“What’s that saying about a chill wind bringing, er, no good?” It’s not often Kush comes out with such an accurate premonition, but with those words of doom, Walford market’s lovable foghorn set in motion a series of unfortunate events, EastEnders-style, when The Big Bus Crash hit.
It has been a tough month in the Square, brightened only by the moment when Ronnie and Roxy’s funeral turned into a 90s rave. Elsewhere, Phil gained a new liver and a new baby (the product of his brief fling with Denise but who was promptly adopted by someone else) but wisely he and wife Sharon were nowhere to be seen as disaster struck.
EastEnders came over all Casualty on that fateful day, with viewers guessing which cast members’ contracts would perish in the accident and praying that the Good Lord of Soap would take Aunt Babe. That poisonous old trifle-pimp survived being trapped in a freezer last year but surely her time was up?
As the first ever bus passed through Walford, prescient phrases flowed. “Oh great, we’re never going to get home now,” scowled Bex as the diversion kicked in. Out of nowhere – BANG! – the driver collapsed at the wheel and the bus careered into the market and slammed into the bridge. EastEnders may be the home of screeching malaise, but when disaster strikes the community doesn’t ’arf come together. With the exception of the hardest teenager in E20, Keegan, who filmed the lot on his phone then went and looted the Mini Mart. That boy’s got potential.
Sadly, the driver was the only victim, but there was a moment when it looked as if Whitney might be a goner, too. Only Mick thought to check if there was anyone else under the bus. Miraculously, she survived. Maybe the bus bounced off her giant hoop earrings? Even more miraculously, she rose from her hospital bed and rewarded his concern with a hearty snog.
Over in Coronation Street, meanwhile, the darkness of Michelle and Steve’s baby loss was offset by extreme silliness up and down the rest of the cobbles. Sinead was driven to the arms of another man after hapless beau Chesney killed her Venus flytrap (a gift from smooth love rival Daniel). Actually, it was Gemma who fed it a kebab. “Does it chew?” she chirped. “Do you want chilli sauce on that, luv?”
But the biggest shakeup came when Corrie’s next top model Rosie Webster returned from Miami. Her extreme ditziness led her to bring back more than just a manscaping kit. As she was carted off to the cop shop to explain the contents of a bag that looked suspiciously like cocaine, our Rosie shrilled: “Dad! It’s sweetener for my tea!” It was, but she can’t say the same for her boyfriend’s “homeland treats” she was unknowingly smuggling in her makeup bag. Or, as Sean preferred to believe: “She was whisked away by the fashion police for bringing Barbie dolls into disrepute.”
Over in Hollyoaks, it’s farewell to the most evil of serial killers, Cameron, who confessed after Tegan found the body of rhyming murder victim Celine McQueen in the lake. Finally! Hollyoaks loves a serial killer, but Cameron has the biggest body count in Chester and still people trusted him. “Cameron said she was on a retreat!” Tegan whimpered, incredulously. As the truth poured out, Cameron was mown down by Mac and Lisa’s love wagon. But wait! Hollyoaks serial killers don’t die easily. Cockroach-like, he survived and was banged up, presumably until the time is right to terrorise the ’Oaks once again. Because what would they do without someone going around randomly bumping people off?
Finally, Emmerdale saw the return of Debbie Dingle, dip-dyed and in danger. Yes, fans of alliteration and twisted drama, she’s back, back, back! The maven of intrigue had stolen a car from her boss, Hugo. “Hugo Boss?” smirked Ross Barton. But nobody was laughing when two black-clad men gaffer-taped Sam Dingle’s head to the wall and kidnapped her kids. It turns out Debbie had stolen cash to fund Sarah’s cancer treatment. Her mum Charity loves an excuse to don her Honey G wig and sunglasses and comedy posh voice for a scam, so off she went to rinse Chrissie White’s bank account to pay them back. It was all going to plan until she accidentally shot herself with stolen horse tranquiliser. EastEnders might well have the high drama, but who needs a bus crash when Charity’s down a K-hole?
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