BENIGN TO FIVE
After a certain length of time, job searches begin to corrode the soul. That's a terrible thing to say in a forum like this, but why sprinkle it with chicken salt? The moment the exercise transmutes into a second job – a railway line of drudgery in parallel with the one you're trying to get off – you're battling.
Don't give up, though, I implore you. Push tedium in the sternum and yell "No!" in its hang-dog face. How? By adding a theme to every successful application you make. Here are some of my faves: The hard-arse spacecraft officer: You're on a routine job-seeking mission when things go awry and you're faced with grotesque alien beings with acid blood who attack with both stealth and savagery. Don't forget to bring your flamethrower wit (and your ginger cat).
The noir detective: You're a world-weary 1950s-style private eye working The Case of the Vacant Position. Unimpressed by niceties, you avoid seeming indiscrete in the interview by speaking your laconic truths only in a voiceover that plays inside your head. (Words like "broad", "spinach" and "rube" all get a run.)
The classical hero: You're a champion of legend on a quest to find the Promised Land. You see each of the interview questions as riddles and each of the interviewers as mischievous gods or conniving monsters. How will you make the analogy work so that you don't literally jump on the desk and slay strangers?
Add a bit of drama and some vintage motifs, and you'll regain your job-hunting mojo in two shakes of a golden lamb's tail.
Jonathan Rivett gets most of his cabbage writin' for solid guys and dames through theinkbureau.com.au. Only palookas read his blog: haught.com.au.