The latest salvo in Donald Trump’s war on discernible reality has arrived in the form of a “Mainstream Media Accountability Survey” released by his campaign committee yesterday.
Questions on the survey range from what seem to be straightforward inquiries into the perceived trustworthiness of certain news organizations that Trump has accused of promoting “fake news”, asking, “Do you trust CNN to report fairly on Trump’s presidency?” to what appear to be barely veiled and barely comprehensible attacks on the press, such as, “Do you believe that contrary to what the media says, raising taxes does not create jobs?”
Other questions, such as “Do you believe that if Republicans were obstructing Obama like Democrats are doing to President Trump, the mainstream media would attack Republicans?” serve as the polling equivalent of encountering a Lovecraftian cosmic monster whose otherworldly construction and implications cannot be fully understood by the human intellect without resulting in total madness.
Exclusive to the Guardian, discovered behind the settee in an opulent suite at Mar-a-Lago, are the following 10 questions trimmed from the survey before its release:
26. Isn’t it very brave of President Trump to speak out about how unfair the media is being towards his administration?
___ YES, it is brave and in no way seems like he’s anxiously searching for a scapegoat to blame for his inadequacy as a leader.
___ NO, I would say he’s being more “valiant” than brave.
27. Do you believe that the mainstream media has been unfair to President Trump?
__ As a true American patriot I say yes, they have been unfair.
___ I have been paid by Democratic operatives to go against what I know in my heart to be true and answer that I do not believe the media has been unfair in their reporting.
28. Do you agree that the media unfairly reported on President Trump’s executive order restricting entry against people from countries compromised by Islamic terrorism?
__ YES.
__ NO, but my answer is biased due to the fact that I am a member of a terrorist group who this brilliant restriction has foiled.
29. Don’t you think it would be cool if the mainstream media looked the other way every once in a while, at least while the Trump administration is still getting set up?
__That would show a lot of class.
__ It doesn’t matter since the Trump administration is infallible.
30. Do you agree that President Trump could easily beat Canada’s prime minister, Justin Trudeau, at arm wrestling?
__ YES.
__ NO, Trump could not beat the not-all-that-handsome-in-person Trudeau at arm wrestling because Trudeau would be too scared to even try arm wrestling a man as masculine as the president.
31. Jake Tapper seems like he’s hiding something, doesn’t he?
__ YES.
__ NO, Jake Tapper doesn’t seem smart enough to hide anything.
If you have any information regarding crimes or scandalous behavior Jake Tapper has engaged in, please explain in the space provided: _______________________
32. Out of sheer curiosity and for no other reason, if evidence that President Trump is a Russian puppet came to light, would you find that he allowed himself to be recruited by the Russians in order to undermine their intelligence apparatus from within a plausible explanation?
__ YES, I would immediately accept that explanation and applaud the President’s cunning.
__ NO, I would demand that the President be removed from office should any such evidence come to light.
If you checked NO, please provide your social security number and access codes to any security systems installed in your residence: _________________
33. Do you agree that there’s nothing desperate about presenting Americans with a confusingly worded polemic against the mainstream media disguised as a survey?
___ YES, this gives me a lot of faith in the administration.
___ NO, I am a hater and a total loser.
34. Were you aware that members of the exclusive Mar-a-Lago club receive access to world-class pools, spas, entertainment and fine dining?
__ Wow, please send me more information about this fantastic membership opportunity.
__ NO, I am not interested in the ultimate luxury experience.
35. If you answered YES to the above, please certify that you are not associated with any mainstream media organization or foreign government intelligence agency: __________________
