Donald Trump: How his legendary handshake is making America great again
Updated
Handshakes are suddenly at the epicentre of geopolitical activity, thanks to the manual manoeuvrings of the man who many people, with a dark sense of irony, call "the American President".
When Donald Trump met Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau this week, it was the handshaking equivalent of the legendary battle between Lancelot and Gawain: two giants of the handshaking arts clashing in the ultimate test of metacarpal judo.
Trump pulled his classic Donald Clasp, in which he takes a firm grip on his counterpart's hand, makes a violent jerking motion toward himself, and attempts to drag the other man into his gaping maw, to be digested over several months.
Many other world leaders would have been doomed by Trump's sheer power, but Trudeau is a shaking master.
He countered with the famous Trudeau Trap, whereby he balanced himself with a hand on the American's shoulder, planted his feet well apart to maintain a solid base, and locked his elbow, holding his position immaculately before distracting Trump with a shiny Christmas tree bauble and taking the opportunity to break the grip.
Trump's great grip cost Clinton
Trudeau's achievement was a major one, as Trump has built a career on dominating all around him with his astounding handshake skills, dragging flunky and statesman alike into his orbit with that ferocious jerk.
So feared did Trump's handshake become over the decades that Hillary Clinton tried to dodge it during the presidential debates, only to see her campaign founder on the perception that she wasn't up for the handfight.
Not that violence is Trump's only play in the shake stakes.
Recently he met with President Shinzo Abe of Japan and showed an unsuspected tender side, taking Abe's hand gently in his and squeezing it tight, stroking it affectionately, and softly whispering his devotion to it.
It was a masterful piece of diplomacy that demonstrated that Trump knows there is a time to make love to a hand, and a time to yank it clean off the arm.
In mastering the myriad intricacies of the handshake he is following in a proud political tradition.
Thomas Jefferson was the first US president to make handshaking a presidential habit, seeing the pressing of palms as a way to bring the presidency closer to the common man.
Since then the handshake has come to be seen as a powerful tool of political communication.
The power of palms
In 1977, Atlantic City Mayor Joseph Lazarow won the lasting love of his people when he entered the Guinness Book of World Records by shaking 11,000 hands in one day.
He surpassed the record of Teddy Roosevelt, who performed 8,510 handshakes on January 1, 1907, and probably still had the energy to shoot a moose afterwards.
We can see how politicians who recognise the power of the handshake achieve a unique connection to their constituency.
On the flipside, those who fail to master the handshake may find themselves floundering.
The awkward three-way between Obama, Trudeau and Nieto showed the world just how ill-fitting the alliance between the North American powers is.
When John Kerry greeted Francois Hollande, apparently under the belief that a handshake is just a prelude to a slow dance, it damaged the US-French relationship irreparably.
And of course in our own country, the 2004 federal election was won and lost on a handshake.
If opposition leader Mark Latham had shown a little more restraint when meeting prime minister John Howard, instead of trying to snap his elderly arm like a twig, he might be PM today.
The point is, handshakes matter
When powerful people meet, the coming together of their palms can either promote progress and understanding between parties and nations, or it can create panic and disruption in the streets as all our certainties drain away.
How much damage was done to Obama's foreign policy credentials last year, when Raul Castro of Cuba apparently decided that he had won the US President in a raffle?
These are important matters that cannot be left to chance, which is why, no matter what else Trump does in office, it's a relief to see him taking the matter of handshakes seriously.
America will remain strong as long as its leader is challenging others to resist his crushing tug, and thus spurring those others to lift their own interphalangeal game.
The current focus on handshakes also provides an opportunity to start a conversation about centring the handshake even more effectively in public life.
Now that we've accepted that a power struggle between the leaders of America and Canada can be boiled down to who came out of the handshake better, we can move on to basing all our systems of geopolitical interaction on this once-humble gesture of etiquette.
He with the firmest grip wins
There will be no need, for example, for lengthy trade negotiations between nations: each country simply puts its preferred deal on the table, the trade ministers shake hands, and whoever inspires the most confidence with their clasp wins.
It will be a cheaper, more efficient, and vastly more civilised way of conducting affairs.
We missed a trick with the aforementioned 2004 election: we all knew that the handshake was where the poll was won and lost, but we never took the logical next step of removing all the campaigning and voting palaver and deciding elections on a handshake basis.
An independent council of respected community elders can be employed to judge the electoral handshake, and on the appointed day, the leaders of the parties will come together for a good healthy shake.
Whoever is considered to have the firmest grip, while not applying so much pressure as to undermine public confidence — Latham-style — becomes prime minister.
The whole thing is done in less than 20 minutes and we're all much happier.
It isn't difficult to bring about this new age.
All it takes is a little political will, and the receptiveness of the ruling class to the truth that handshaking is the way forward.
We are almost there already: when the president shakes a hand, the world now stops in its track.
We need only take that final step, and the shake-ruled world we yearn for will come to pass at last.
Topics: elections, world-politics, us-elections, popular-culture, offbeat
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