Hater: New dating app matches lovers who can't stand selfies
Updated
We're all familiar with the "slow clap" moment — when someone finally catches up with the bleeding obvious and you're full of sarcastic congratulations for their recognition of basic reality.
Like when a friend realises that the title of the show Party of Five has a double meaning, or that the gears of capitalism are oiled with the blood of the workers.
That's exactly the feeling I had when I learned about Hater — the new dating app that seeks to match potential partners based on mutual hatreds.
The app is based on the premise that people bond more closely over the things that irritate or infuriate them than shared likes or interests.
But isn't that obvious? Nothing brings people together more effectively than hatred.
Did you see how many people marched to protest against Donald Trump last month? Try getting those kinds of numbers to a We Enjoy The Music Of Steely Dan rally.
Hatred is the great uniting force of humanity, and always has been.
Not that we like to admit it, which is why we keep mouthing the old "shared interests" myth to each other.
It's patently nonsense, though — even if there are twenty things you both like, the fact one of you hates Seinfeld and the other one doesn't will doom your relationship.
How does it work?
That's the essential truth that the creator of Hater, Brendan Alper, has tapped into with his app.
Hater users are able to indicate a range of things they hate, and are then shown people in the same area with similar dislikes.
Users can then "like" the matches they wish to contact, a la Tinder.
Though, obviously Hater avoids the one major risk that Tinder users are subject to — the possibility of accidentally going on a date with someone who doesn't hate camping.
The most hated subjects on Hater include Donald Trump, bullies, slow drivers and mosquitoes, although the real advantage is revealed in the opportunity to register your distaste for butt selfies, wishbones, and the fact that Mick Jagger is still reproducing.
These are golden keys to the treasure of a long-lasting relationship — knowing someone hates mosquitoes won't tell you much about them, but your soul mate's vehement conviction that Jagger needs to keep it in his pants could lead to big problems down the road, if you aren't made aware of it from the get-go.
Plus, it's science
Importantly, there is a strong scientific case for this approach to finding love.
A 2006 study by researchers from the University of Oklahoma and the University of Texas found that "discovering a shared negative attitude about a target person predicted liking for a stranger more strongly than discovering a shared positive attitude".
Put simply: we like people who hate what we hate.
Again, this can't possibly come as a surprise. If you think about it, you've probably experienced it in your own life.
Say you meet someone who enjoys the films of Wes Anderson, and you also enjoy those particular slices of idiosyncratic whimsy.
That'll give you about five minutes of reasonably diverting conversation, as you establish which of his movies is your favourite, what the last one you saw was, and your expectations for his new one, before you both start staring into space and playing with the breadsticks, searching desperately for a new topic of conversation.
But what if you meet someone who hates Wes Anderson films, and by lucky chance you do, too?
Why, you will literally be able to talk for hours, joyously agreeing with each other at escalating volume about his insufferably twee approach, his visual cliches, his fetishisation of the backward and archaic.
You can deconstruct every scene of every movie, tearing them all to shreds shot-by-shot, pouring forth torrents of passionate loathing until, inevitably, you fall into each other's arms and kiss like you've never kissed before.
Chat for hours about how crap golf is
Hater should, if there's any justice, take the world by storm, because it's the first dating app to recognise the truth about human nature.
It's the first app to provide actual assistance to aspiring daters rather than the mirage offered by its competitors.
It's the first app that allows people to enter the terrifying realm of the first date with confidence, knowing that, no matter how different your backgrounds or how physically repellent you might be, you will still be able to chat long into the night about how crap golf is, and a good time is therefore guaranteed.
A romantic landscape fuelled by Hater will be a far more harmonious one.
After all, you can never get tired of gazing into the eyes of someone who knows exactly what sucks in life — that person is a keeper.
Thanks to Hater, your chances of finding them just skyrocketed.
Topics: popular-culture, relationships, internet-culture, social-media, offbeat
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