The dilemma My partner came from Europe to live with us in Australia. Until then it was just my daughter, now 14, and me (her dad left when she was a few days old). Unfortunately, she is still hot and cold with him after two years. He doesn’t parent her – just tries to be there and offer support – but she still refuses to acknowledge him at times. She’s protective of our mother-daughter relationship and I still ensure we do things together. We’d like to visit Greece as a family, but my daughter has made it clear she’s not going. I haven’t gone with him before as I didn’t feel she was ready, yet I can’t keep doing what she wants either! Any advice on encouraging her to be more positive towards our family dynamic?
Mariella replies Drop the word family. The more you try to dictate your daughter’s feelings towards this relatively new domestic ensemble the harder she will resist you. Her life experience (until just a couple of years ago) was a long, halcyon period of mother and daughter bonding, all the more rose-tinted for having taken place during her arguably more maternally dependent years.
“Normal” is you and her, cocooned together for eternity, so this man’s appearance as a permanent fixture, timed perfectly to coincide with puberty, couldn’t have come at a more challenging moment. He could be a holy trinity of Justin Bieber, Nelson Mandela and Santa Claus and he’d still be an unwelcome interloper in her eyes.
You’re lucky that she blows hot and cold. I’d have prophesied the constant chill blast of Siberia if you’d asked me beforehand. Then again, trying to establish firm footing on the basis of a teenager’s opinions is a fool’s game. I daresay in your daughter’s version of events much of the blame for her current discord dates back to his arrival in your lives, but that there are also times when she sees beyond the fog of her adolescent persecution complex and recognises that he’s not the devil. Plenty of her woes would have taken shape in other areas of her life had your new partner not presented himself like a sacrificial lamb, so it’s important not to feel guilty no matter how hard she tries to cast you as the mistress of her miseries and this man as the prince of darkness.
You absolutely should have moved in together. It’s as important for you to have a life of your own as it is for your daughter to eventually do likewise, but the timing could have been better. Just as you were slipping into contented coupledom, your daughter’s adolescent nightmare kicked in, with hormonal turbulence, insecurity and irrational rages. Into this frenzy of pubescent angst walked this poor unwitting man, unjustly taking on the status of public enemy number one. The truth is, nothing you try to achieve at present will play out harmoniously. She will swing from sweetheart to terroriser, so try to stop taking it personally. Having a place to focus your ire is a fantastic thing for a teenager and right now he is it!
If you’re getting nowhere fast it’s usually a good idea to revise your route and take a diversion. Resist foisting your particular brand of “family” unit on her and let her discover, in her own time, at her own pace, the advantages of having a father figure in her life. That’s not to say you have to put your plans on hold. A trip to Greece is a great adventure and packaged differently might even win her approval. Being told you are going on a “bonding” trip is enough to put any but the most supplicant off the idea. I can see my own children’s lips curling at such a suggestion so it’s really no reflection of her feelings for your man. Limit the hygge family holiday notion and extol instead the myriad delights of Greece for teenagers – handsome young deck hands, all-night discos, clear blue sea and delicious food.
If her negative stance continues, one thing is sure: your resolve mustn’t weaken. She’s 14 and sometimes at that age you just have to do what you’re told. I’m amazed by how much space we give children for their opinion, way before they have the experience or wisdom to make the choices we put before them. One of the great freedoms of youth is not having to make decisions, and I wonder if one of the drawbacks of modern parenting is the excess responsibility we place on our children’s shoulders. I’m guilty myself, whether it’s movies or holiday destinations, of polling opinion from two little tyrants with way more waffle than wisdom.
The more you bang on about travelling as a family the more scope you give your girl for revolt. Make the trip to Greece non-negotiable, continue to mark out time for just the two of you, but in all other areas stop foisting your domestic dreams on her. You’ve chosen this man, now your daughter needs to discover his virtues herself which, I have little doubt, allowed some space, she’ll eventually do.
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1
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