One of my neighbours had a female friend over at her apartment the other day when I happened to call in. "You're a very attractive woman," I said, harmlessly flirting. The woman blushed and smiled. Later my neighbor came over and told me that what I said was totally inappropriate. "You can't say those kinds of things these days," she said. "It's a different world we live in."
Perhaps she's right. In an era where looking to be offended by something has become a national pastime, is the whole issue of flirting a ticking bomb?
Is one person's flirting, another's sexual harassment?
Ego boost
Sydney PR juggernaut and socialite Roxy Jacenko believes flirting is quite an ego stroke. "Flirting is definitely not dead, but one has to be careful these days, because some people can take it the wrong way," she says. "It's all done in jest and good fun and the next thing you know you could be bloody up for sexual harassment in the workplace."
So, where do you draw the line? "Pinching on the bum by the water cooler could be pushing the boundaries," Jacenko says. "There is a fine line these days, because what you think is fun could be considered totally inappropriate by someone else. You have to be very careful, no doubt about it. Keep your hands to yourself, that's for sure."
The problem as Jacenko sees it, can come down to a simple misinterpretation. "When I talk to someone I'll put my hand on their arm. That's just me engaging with someone, but to someone else I could be a shocking flirt."
Welcome or not
Sexual harassment is defined under legislation as any unwelcome sexual advance or request for sexual favours or other unwelcome conduct of a sexual nature, that makes a person feel offended, insulted, humiliated or intimidated and which a reasonable person, having regard to all the circumstances, would have anticipated that the person would be offended, humiliated or intimidated.
Bianca Azzopardi, the former Human Resources Director with Zambrero says there needs to be a sense of playfulness in the workplace, so long as it doesn't become offensive and vulgar. "Telling somebody they look lovely today, or that you like their dress is fine, depending on how it's said. It's all in the delivery," she says.
Context and circumstance
Sarah Wood, senior associate with Sparke Helmore Lawyers says the line between flirting and sexual harassment is often a question of context and circumstance. "Any flirtatious comment has the capacity to be sexual harassment," she says. "It depends on whether the comment is welcome or not and whether a reasonable person would be offended, humiliated or intimidated by it."
"If you ask to sleep with an employee with whom you've been on a date, and it's suggested they are interested and reciprocating, then that's one thing, however if you're my middle-aged boss and I'm a 19-year-old employee who has had no previous involvement with you, that is more likely sexual harassment."
Crossing the line
When it comes to the workplace and flirting, Wood's advice is to be cautious unless you know the person very well and are confident the flirting will be welcomed. "Ask yourself how well do I know this person, what do I know about their religion, their background, their marital status?"
Social media is another avenue where flirting can be misconstrued. For example, does frequently 'poking' work colleague on Facebook cross a line? How about sending jokes or humorous images of a sexual nature? Or linking a colleague to a song with explicit lyrics?
One of the most landmark workplace sexual harassment cases of recent years saw Rebecca Richardson, a former project manager with Oracle, found to have been harassed by Randol Tucker an Oracle sales representative, on at least 11 separate occasions. Tucker's comments started with: "Rebecca, you and I fight so much…I think we must have been married in our last life." And escalated to "So Rebecca, how do you think our marriage was? I bet the sex was hot."
There's little doubt Tucker's comments went beyond harmless flirting. And the court agreed, awarding Richardson $130,000 on appeal.
Natural instincts
Legal arguments aside, has our anxiety about causing offence destroyed our talent to flirt? American etiquette expert Letitia Baldridge once said that the whole art of flirting has simply disappeared. "If we're going to become so uptight that we can't say nice things to each other, then we've had it!"
Katherine Feeney, journalist, and former sex columnist with Fairfax, believes flirting is under threat. "A good flirt is an endangered species in Australia," she says. "We've dumbed down a lot of human interaction and become more interested in convenience than connection. A lot of the early interaction between people that used to be reliant on sophisticated flirtation is now done by emojis."
Feeney says flirting is a natural instinct and is practiced across the animal kingdom, whether it be by a peacock fanning its tail, or a bloke dressing up in a sharp suit and making eyes at a woman across a bar. "Flirting is real and we have to acknowledge its existence and essential nature,' she says.
Anti-intellectualism
"Australians are bad at flirting because we are anti-intellectual. Flirtation in the courts of Europe was an essential part of a sophisticated, elegant life, but there were rules of engagement, and the players had to respect and understand those rules. People think that flirting is about the body but it's all very heady stuff. The brain is the biggest sex organ that we've got. When we run into problems is when we are unaware of the rules, or dismiss them out of hand."
According to Feeney, the person with whom we are flirting will give off cues to express interest or disinterest. However, we are losing the ability to read those cues, because we have outsourced our emotional connections to machines.
Why do we flirt in the first place? "It's all about sex," says Feeney. "When we flirt we are really saying we want to have sex with that person. It then becomes an elegant dance to see whether that person also wants to have sex with us."
Do you like to flirt? Tell us where you draw the line, in the Comments section.
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