50 shades duller! (And as erotic as a bluebottle landing on your bottom): BRIAN VINER gives his verdict on the sequel
Fifty Shades Darker (18)
It may have been freezing cold last night in London, but the Fifty Shades Darker premiere was the hottest ticket in town.
The stars swept into Leicester Square for the film, the second in the big screen adaptations of E.L. James's bestselling erotic novels.
Jamie Dornan looked as if butter wouldn't melt as he posed with his glamorous co-star Dakota Johnson.
Despite receiving generally unfavourable reviews, the first instalment became the UK's highest-grossing 18-rated movie.
BRIAN VINER takes no prisoners as he gives his verdict on its sequel...
The story begins a few weeks after the first film ended, with Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) bruised in more ways than one by Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan, pictured together)
Two years ago, the eagerly-awaited screen version of EL James' saucy bestseller Fifty Shades Of Grey was released just in time for Valentine's Day – as if anyone could be hoodwinked into thinking that the story of kinky sex in a defiantly sleepless Seattle had anything to do with love.
Now, they've gone and done it again, with a mid-February release for a sequel that far from being 50 shades darker than the original, is even more pale and at times downright limp. It tries to present itself as a sweet romance, with supplementary nipple clamps. But what's the point of making a film about sado-masochism if nobody is prepared to whip it into shape?
The story begins a few weeks after the first film ended, with Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) bruised in more ways than one by Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), the world's least charismatic tycoon. She's working in a publishing house now (she just loves Jane Austen, apparently), as assistant to Jack, the lascivious, floppy-haired fiction editor.
He is played by Eric Johnson, who I can only assume was cast because he's best-known for playing Flash Gordon. In Christian's world, of course, Flash Gordon might pass as an instruction.
Unsurprisingly, the beefy mogul – a muscular Christian indeed – woos Ana back into his bed, but she insists that it must be on her terms. Of course, he's not used to being told what to do. He's so rich that he earns $24,000 every 15 minutes, although we still have no idea how. He's so rich, in fact, that he goes and buys the publishing house Ana works for.
So when she tells him that she will no longer submit to him, he doesn't believe it and nor do we. When he informs her that 'I don't know whether to worship at your feet or spank you,' naturally it's the second option he chooses, although, as in the first film, with about as much sadism as if a bluebottle had settled on her bottom.
Gradually, they realise how very much they love each other. She, it seems, is prepared to overlook his lack of personality. And he has obviously come to terms with her non-stop simpering. There is a lot of simpering in this film. Even the music simpers.
James Foley, taking over the direction from Sam Taylor-Johnson (it's strange, how many Johnsons there are in this saga), tries his hardest to ramp up some kind of tension while all this is going on. Ana has a homicidal stalker – one of Christian's former submissives (Bella Heathcote).
Two years ago, the eagerly-awaited screen version of EL James' saucy bestseller Fifty Shades Of Grey was released just in time for Valentine's Day
And Christian's sadistic tendencies are apparently mixed up with trying to punish his dead biological mother, which makes him sound a great deal more interesting than he actually is. Still, we do get to meet the woman who really has had Christian under her thumb, not to mention her thumbscrews.
This is Elena, who evidently taught him everything he knows. She is played by Kim Basinger, who has the decency to look faintly embarrassed, almost as if she is bracing herself for unflattering comparisons with 9½ Weeks, a similarly-themed film she made half a lifetime ago, in 1986.
That was a sight more erotic than anything on show here, including a scene in a crowded lift, in which Christian surreptitiously pleasures Ana to a Van Morrison soundtrack, and which really ought to have Van the Man consulting his lawyers.
All things considered, if it weren't for the S&M scenes, it would be an exceedingly dull film. With them, it is both dull and silly, which is worse.
Fifty Shades Darker opens nationwide today
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