This was published 8 years ago
Noisy playdates, and other challenges of being an introverted mum
By Raidah Shah Idil
- How I learnt to support my introverted child
- The joy and anxiety of socialising when you're an introvert
Before baby, my idea of a fun night out looked something like this: dinner at a cosy restaurant with my loved ones, or maybe some gelato at a small café. Glaring lights and loud crowds give me a headache. I'll take cosy spaces and dim lighting, any day.
These days, you won't find me outdoors once the sun goes down. My baby doesn't sleep through the night, so when she knocks off, it's lock down time. That suits me just fine, because most of the time, I'm too tired to think about anything beyond, "When can I nap?".
"After my baby daughter turned one, it finally hit me. I'm an introverted mum." Credit: Stocksy
After my baby daughter turned one, it finally hit me. I'm an introverted mum. This past year has been the most draining and exhilarating time of my life. Finally, my desperation for solitude makes sense.
As much as I love spending time with my daughter, I crave the solitude that comes at night, while she's fast asleep. This is the time where I drink jasmine green tea, listen to audio books, read, or write. Other times, I'm content just sitting in the dark, enjoying the quiet. I feel myself decompress, and I can snuggle in beside her, finally relaxed.
I need this solitude as much as I need to eat and drink. When I don't get enough solo time to rejuvenate, then I feel a lot less calm, and a lot more cranky. Add that to more than a year of broken sleep, and sometimes I start feeling jittery. Not a good sign. I've heard so much about postpartum depression, but postpartum anxiety is equally real.
In the blur that has come with motherhood, I forgot about Susan Cain's stellar 2012 TED Talk. I've been listening to her audio book to reassure me that I'm not going crazy. It's easy to fall into that trap, when so many articles/books/photographs about motherhood capture the default extrovert image.
When you think about the stereotypical picture of a successful new mum, what comes to mind? I often think of an incredibly extroverted mum with an equally outgoing baby. Look at her bouncing around with baby at the latest baby gym! With their multiple, back-to-back playdates! And she so smiley! They both are! Just writing that made me tired.
My reality as an introverted mum is so different. I'm perfectly happy staying indoors with my baby, reading books to her, watching her play with her toys, taking her out to the garden – that's enough stimulation for me.
What's my idea of the best kind of playdate? The mums are reading books and the babies are playing happily with each other. Nobody needs to talk. It's quiet. (How does this translate in real life? Ha. Guess.)
The irony is that my baby daughter seems to be a bouncy little extrovert. This situation has happened countless times: I'm sitting at a café or restaurant with my baby buckled into her high chair. While I'm trying to feed her, I'll notice a stranger waving or smiling broadly at me. Once, the whole kitchen staff was beaming in my direction. Awkward. Then I realised that my baby daughter was smiling and waving at all and sundry. Again. It continues to amaze me at how clear her temperament is, at so young an age.
My challenge lies in balancing my need for quiet time with her need for outdoor stimulation. It's a balancing act, especially now that she's discovered the joys of walking. Oh, the places she'll go are likely to be a lot louder and brighter than the places I'd like to go. Hello pushing boundaries and self-growth!
Here are some things I wished I knew earlier on:
You know your child best
You may be quiet about it, but you know your child better than anyone else. Your baby grew inside you, you gave birth to her, and you spend your days and nights with her. There's a bond between the two of you that transcends explanation. Trust your intuition.
Being loud doesn't make someone right
This is a hard one. Everyone has an opinion, and the more extroverted folks in your lives are more than happy to share it with you. It's easy for their loud voices to drown out your own inner voice. Stay strong.
Draw strength from solitude
Embrace your need for quiet. Use whatever time you can get to close your eyes and breathe.
You don't need to defend your choices
Ah, my favourite. You don't need to justify exactly why you're parenting the way you do. It's also really, really hard not to jump in and explain yourself.
Make space for your art
Whatever it is that nourishes you – make some time for it. Every day, if you can. Write, sketch, craft, knit. It's all good.
Connect with other introverts
It helps to feel understood and validated. Quiet Revolution (http://www.quietrev.com/) is a wonderful resource.
Make space for the extroverts in your life
There's no running away from the rest of the population. Small doses! Remember to give yourself plenty of quiet downtime afterwards.