BLACK DOG: Party time for the deadly duo of ex Tory MPs who were exposed by the Mail

Published: 19:55 EST, 4 February 2017 | Updated: 03:38 EST, 5 February 2017

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Husband and wife ex-Tory MPs Sir Nicholas and Ann Winterton quit the Commons in disgrace after this newspaper exposed how they bought a second home outright on MPs’ expenses, gave it to their kids in trust to avoid inheritance tax, and then claimed ‘double-bubble’ expenses for the rent.

Husband and wife ex-Tory MPs Sir Nicholas and Ann Winterton, who quite the Commons after an expenses row

A lavish Lords party is to be held for the couple this month to ‘celebrate’ their ‘political life and times’. Doubtless no expense will be spared.

Asked last week if Britain’s much-depleted Armed Forces are still up to fighting a war, Defence Minister Earl Howe’s reply was hardly Churchillian.

‘The Army is ready and capable of deploying a potent, large-scale, war-fighting force at divisional level,’ he said, before adding languidly: ‘Providing there is sufficient notice.’

In other words, the British Bulldog can still see off the likes of Putin – provided that Vlad gives us the heads-up about when he’s invading.

In 1982 Beaconsfield Tory MP Sir Ronald Bell died while having sex with his mistress

Why Blair owes it all to a night of lust

The steamy BBC series Apple Tree Yard, which features a couple having sex in Parliament, is not so far-fetched.

In 1982 Beaconsfield Tory MP Sir Ronald Bell died while having sex with his mistress in his Commons office.

His death led to the Beaconsfield by-election, which launched the political career of Tony Blair.

If the world looks a mess, remember it started with some Parly rumpy-pumpy.

Maverick Tory Daniel Kawczynski, whose main claim to fame is that, at 6ft 8in, he is the tallest MP, was forced to call off a controversial Commons reception on Monday starring Vladimir Putin’s Kremlin spin doctor Maria Zakharova, who has constantly attacked Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson.

‘Daniel has some weird foreign connections,’ says one diplomat. ‘He may be the tallest MP but it is time he grew up.’

Wes's bad dream team

As Jeremy Corbyn drives his party ever closer to the cliff edge, rebel Labour MP Wes Streeting has started fantasising about going back in time to change history.

As Jeremy Corbyn drives his party ever closer to the cliff edge, rebel Labour MP Wes Streeting has started fantasising about going back in time to change history

‘I’d like to teleport myself to the leadership ballot, and as the final five MPs nominating Jeremy come in, I’d scream, “No, don’t do it!” and wrestle them to the ground.’ Dream on, Wes.

Overheard between two sneering civil servants in a Commons corridor as they spotted a tatty plastic Union Flag taped to the door of an MP’s office.

Civil servant one: ‘What Tory Brexit twit has done that?’ Civil servant two (on closer inspection of the name on door): ‘Crikey.

'They may be a twit but they’re a twit in the Cabinet.’ Step forward patriotic Priti Patel.

The political love affair that dares to speak its name – between Old Etonian Tory toff Jacob Rees-Mogg and ex-barmaid Jess Phillips, the blunt-speaking Brummie Labour MP who once told Diane Abbott to ‘f*** off’ – is now blossoming into an on-screen, television sofa ‘romance’.

The unlikely duo are set to do a Gogglebox-style weekly review of May versus Corbyn clashes during Prime Minister’s Questions on Sky’s Sophy Ridge On Sunday show.