Single mums are not lazy. They’re brave

In equal parts disbelief and anger, I read the comments made last week by WA One Nation candidate David Archibald in a paper for Quadrant regarding single mums.

For those of you who may have missed Dave’s “Bad Mums” rap, the gist was that single mothers had made their decision to go it alone as a “lifestyle choice”.

He went on to write, “These are women too lazy to attract and hold a mate, undoing the work of possibly three million years of evolutionary pressure.”

“This will result in a rapid rise in the portion of the population that is lazy and ugly. We know what causes pregnancy these days, so everyone who gets pregnant outside of marriage is a volunteer.”

Optimistically, I initially pondered if we had all misread Archibald’s statement. I mean, for those of us living in 2017 and who have even half a brain, logic suggests what he in fact meant to say is that single mothers are too busy to find a man.

In between juggling parenting, working, housework and a myriad of additional mummy-minutia, I guarantee you these women spend more time at kinder than they do on Tinder. I know this because I’ve been a single mum myself.

Yet, after checking in with Archibald to see if he had been misquoted, he unapologetically confirmed to the media he “stands by the comments”. If the generalisation of unattractive wasn’t muddy enough, calling single mums “lazy” is so off the beaten geological map, Archibald is heading straight back to 1950 in a DeLorean.

Of course, difficulties are also faced by single dads, but why the continued negative perception and conversation, seemingly to be held exclusively for mums?

The fact of the matter for anyone who recognises and understands the realities of single-parenting is that there are many other choice words to be used in the description of single mothers — and lazy simply isn’t one of them.

A few other more appropriate words come to my mind instead.

BRAVE

Not a single mum I know left a marriage or relationship for shits and giggles or as a lifestyle choice. These women left to have a life. And a happy one at that.

I applaud those mums brave enough to decide to take their children and make it solo, foregoing the financial security of a relationship and the potential loss of friends and family. Bravo and all the power to you.

Make no mistake about it, domestic abuse is a major issue in Australia today with statistics showing one in four Australian women have experienced abuse by a current or former partner.

Yet what is vastly misunderstood is that you don’t have to be physically harmed to suffer at the hands of your partner — abuse can be filed under the banner of emotional and mental abuse and sadly the signs aren’t always neon.

Given there is more domestic violence in our society than ever before, it’s imperative we change the perception of somehow being a “loser single mum”, if only to encourage women to leave potentially life-threatening or debilitating circumstances.

And for the mums who are widowed, abandoned or have decided to be single parent from the get-go for whatever their own personal reasons, go you too. Brave, the whole goddamn lot of you.

BUSY

Single mums have no choice but to get on with it, even when they would trade a night with Chris Hemsworth for just an extra hour of sleep. As the buck stops with them, they are keenly aware there’s no knight-in-shining armour to save them and so onwards she marches alone.

Whether wading through the emotional and financial stress of a separation, the devastation of the death of a partner or being left for another, for many single mums the financial pressure is enormous and all-consuming. Yet somehow, these mums seem to make ends meet.

Many must work fulltime, along with additionally shouldering the mother-load in being the main caregiver. They are constantly at a disadvantage without the luxury of time to work; they are often the ones who take the day off to ensure David or Pauline get to the doctor, drop off their lunch, hat, homework or the forgotten swimming costume to school.

Further depleting for those who harbour a much-desired need to “attract and hold a mate”, their hunting time is diminished with the old chestnut of maintaining the home and the housework; the shopping, washing, ironing, cooking and cleaning (no matter how much they wish for a man to help her), just won’t do itself.

Single mothers must combine being the man and the woman, combining both vulnerability and strength in being the caregiver and the breadwinner at her own expense, ultimately with little to no savings or superannuation, facing a bleak retirement.

I know many single mums who receive little to no financial help from their ex-partners — as Archibald would well know, you can’t get blood from a stone. Worse, unless you go to the Family Court to apply for permission, some exes even get to dictate where these women can live to allow dad a relationship with the child/wren — ultimately at the mother’s expense who are stuck living away from support or a more prospective financial future or lifestyle of her own. Within this, these mums sacrifice much more than sleep and time with their kids.

BALLSY

Single mums are the ultimate in strength. They must be strong, as for some, there’s no sidekick, fall-guy or bad cop when they feel they can’t cope or want to lay down or run away screaming from all the difficulties of parenting.

They are the disciplinarian, rule-maker and enforcer and with no sounding board, some make decisions alone and can only pray they are making the right ones daily.

ENTREPRENEURIAL

Over the past two decades, the number of female-run small businesses has grown by nearly 50 per cent, the growth rate is almost double that compared to men starting their own enterprises over the same period of time. Necessity is the mother of invention, remember?

Like or loathe the term, the rapid rise of the “mumprenuer” can’t be denied. With more mums launching their own businesses and with the realities of the lack of gender equality in the workforce, the benefits — particularly for single mums — can’t be denied.

From flexibility in your working hours, the ability to work from home, creating freedom, family time, success and the money for their families — it all makes sense for the not-so-lazy single mum.

ATTRACTIVE

What can be more attractive than a strong, empowered, capable and independent mother? Sure, like all women, single mums have their days of embracing their track pants and looking just how they feel, but by and large, my single mother friends would give Jennifer Hawkins a run for her money on a good day.

They can pull a $20 outfit together and like the rest of her life, somehow make it work. They don’t call them yummy mummies of MILFs for no reason, Mr Archibald.

There are a myriad of stories and reasons behind each single mum in Australia today and as one nation, we should applaud and stand behind these woman, not condemn or judge them — their job is hard enough.

In response to #SingleMumGate, One Nation’s WA leader Colin Tincknell commented, “it’s not the end of David.”

Well, we’ll see. After all, Pauline Hanson is a single mum too.

Juliet Potter runs Sydney PR agency specialising in women

GirlPR.com.au

Originally published as Single mums are not lazy. They’re brave