LITTLEJOHN: Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, bogus Bosnians and Rwandan mass murderers. Border controls? Who do you think you are kidding... 

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Fifteen years ago, after a hijacked Afghan airliner was diverted to Stansted, I invented a spoof game show called Asylum! It’s been doing the rounds on the internet ever since. Here are the edited highlights:

Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of ASYLUM!

We’ve already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of the British taxpayer.

Scroll down for video 

When this hijacked Afghan Airlines aircraft arrived in Stansted, I invented a spoof game Asylum!

The competition is open to anyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines or ferries

It’s the fastest-growing game on the planet. Anyone can play, provided they don’t already hold a valid British passport. You only need one word of English:

ASYLUM!

The competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar. No application ever refused, reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy your papers and remember the magic password:

ASYLUM!

Only this week 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted. They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already in Britain.

Our most popular destinations include the world-famous Toddington Services Area in historic Bedfordshire . . .

If you still don’t understand the rules, there’s no need to phone a friend or ask the audience, just apply for legal aid.

Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help. It won’t cost you a penny. So play today. It could change your life for ever.

Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil Tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerillas.

COME ON DOWN!

Get along to the airport. Get along to the lorry park. Get along to the ferry terminal. Don’t stop in Germany or France. Go straight to Britain.

You are guaranteed to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the softest game on Earth. Roll up, roll up my friends, for the game that never ends. Everyone’s a winner, when they play:

ASYLUM!

We keep being told that the current ‘refugee’ crisis is a direct result of our involvement in the American-led invasions of Afghanistan and Iraq and Britain’s meddling in foreign civil wars, such as the bombing of Libya.

But I wrote Asylum! in February 2000, a full 18 months before 9/11. In the U.S., George W. Bush wasn’t even the official Republican candidate, let alone President. The Afghan and Iraq wars weren’t so much as a twinkle on the Pentagon’s radar. Back then, Tony Blair was too busy bombing the Balkans.

The Sangatte departure lounge opened as long ago as 1999, to accommodate immigrants trying to enter Britain illegally. There were riots at the camp in 2001 and 2002, before it was closed.

So please don’t try to kid us that the mayhem at Calais is a new phenomenon. This all dates back to what Peter Mandelson called Labour’s deliberate decision to ‘scour the world’ for migrants, so they could ‘rub the Right’s noses in diversity’.

Once the Blair government made it plain that everyone was welcome, however they entered this country — and thanks to the newly-adopted Yuman Rites Act would never be sent home — it’s hardly surprising the world beat a path to our door.

Who can forget the sight of the then Home Secretary, Jolly Jack Straw, scuttling down to Dover to welcome in person a lorry load of immigrants from Sangatte, like an obsequious package holiday rep? He should have worn a red coat and a pair of white strides.

This madness was compounded by our membership of the EU, which meant that anyone who managed to set foot in Europe could make straight for the French coast bound for England.

Our island location and our opt-out from the Schengen open-borders treaty was never going to protect us. When our politicians were so keen to expand the EU to embrace former Communist countries in Eastern Europe, did they envisage that, say, Hungary, would become the first port of call for London-bound immigrants from Africa and the Middle East?

Of course they didn’t. No one ever thinks anything through. Plenty of British politicians, including Winston Churchill wannabe Boris Johnson, are lobbying for Turkey to be admitted to the EU.

That would be Turkey, gateway to Islamic State. And, as we all know, gates swing both ways.

Already, known Islamist terrorists, hell-bent on attacking infidel targets in Europe, are stowing away among the migrants being picked up in the Mediterranean and deposited in Italy.

If Turkey gets full EU membership, the terrorists won’t need to resort to subterfuge. Once they’ve slipped over the porous Turkish/Syrian border, they’ll be free to head for London.

Even after some Isis-sponsored nut-job has blown himself to Kingdom Come on the Underground, taking goodness knows how many innocents with him, the usual conga-line of hand-wringing Guardianistas will still be insisting that we have a ‘humanitarian’ duty to take in all-comers, regardless of the consequences.

Sorry, but we’ve got enough home-grown head-cases ready to commit mass murder in the name of the religion of peace, without importing them from hell-holes in North Africa and beyond. And we know next to nothing about the people heading our way.

I don’t dispute that some of these migrants are fleeing poverty and pretty grim living conditions at home. But that doesn’t necessarily make them ‘refugees’. Most are economic migrants.

Earlier, I almost wrote about ‘the world and his wife’ beating a path to our door. But ‘his wife’ is conspicuous by her absence. So is his mother, his sister, his daughter.

At least 90 per cent of these 'asylum seekers' are young, able-bodied men in their late teens or early 20s

At least 90 per cent of these ‘asylum seekers’ are young, able-bodied men in their late teens/early 20s, wearing the latest designer sportswear. If they were genuinely in fear of their lives and fleeing real persecution, wouldn’t they have brought their female relatives with them?

But no, it’s women and children last when it comes to crossing the Med. We’re not talking the dance band on the Titanic here.

Of course, it’s ‘racist’ to point any of this out. Which is why broadcasters and Left-wing journalists seize on any unfortunate woman with a child they manage to find among the overwhelmingly male multitude.

European ‘leaders’ met yesterday to agree a common response to the crisis. Fat hope of that. France’s idea of a ‘solution’ is shovelling all the migrants massed at Calais across the Channel.

And forget about international law, which demands that refugees apply for asylum in the first ‘safe’ country they arrive in. Europe’s open borders have made a nonsense of that requirement.

Typically, Britain’s response has been pathetic. Fining lorry drivers and sending a few more sniffer dogs isn’t going to work.

Britain's response of sending a few sniffer dogs and fining lorry drivers has been quite pathetic 

But what else should we expect? The Tories promised to reduce immigration to the ‘tens of thousands’, knowing full well that wasn’t possible while we remain in the EU. Inevitably, immigration has gone not so much through the roof as through the ozone layer over the past few years.

Call Me Dave’s vainglorious interference in the Arab Spring didn’t help. Remember him bombing Libya, without worrying what might come next, and doing a ridiculous lap of honour round Tahrir Square in Egypt? I told you at the time it would end in tears. The fall-out has landed on our doorstep.

That’s why immigration may well prove to be the trump card in the forthcoming EU referendum.

The only proper course of action to halt the invasion of Southern Europe — and by extension Britain — would be to close the EU’s borders, which have as many holes as a string vest, and stage a full-scale Nato blockade of the North African coast to prevent any more boats leaving.

But that ain’t gonna happen, either. All we’ve done is send HMS Bulwark to act as a free cross-Med ferry. If that’s the plan, why not get Bulwark — and that useless new aircraft-free aircraft carrier commissioned by Gordon Brown (HMS Prudence?) — to pick up migrants in Tripoli, bring them straight to Southampton and charge them for the privilege?

Toddington is one of the most popular drop-off points for migrants recently arrived from the continent 

They’re desperate enough to hand over a small fortune to people smugglers. So why don’t we cut out the middle man? They’re going to end up here anyway and the money might help offset the ‘savage cuts’ in the defence budget.

Looking back on my Asylum! spoof, I notice that I mentioned the ‘world-famous Toddington Service Area, in Bedfordshire’.

Toddington is still one of the most popular drop-off points today. A local farmer this week revealed that he spends as much time rounding up illegal immigrants as tending his turnips.

You couldn’t make it up.

Fifteen years ago, Asylum! was the world’s fastest-growing game show. Fifteen years from now it’ll be the longest-running. And those Afghan hijackers are still here, just as I predicted.

Roll up, roll up my friends, for the game that never ends . . .

COME ON DOWN!