8 ways training for a triathlon made me a better dater
To prepare for a sprint triathlon last year, I got a coach, signed up for a gym with a pool and threw myself into training. It became a daily framework and began to overlap with the rest of my life. Swimming was my weakest sport. I wasn't about to drown, but six months before my race, I was still just flailing around.
Which, if I'm being honest, is also a fair summary of my dating life. I started to wonder if I could apply some of my triathlon training to other parts of life. After all, dating for me is goal-driven: I want a life partner. Yet I've applied only a fraction of the discipline to my dating life that I apply to physical training.
Celebrate the little wins.Credit:iStock
Dating is haphazard for most of us. Nobody teaches us how to date. (I'm not the only one who missed out, right?) And trial and error is a heartbreaking way to learn when emotions are involved. Practice doesn't make perfect, but it did raise my hopes of success. And so I wondered: Can I train to date better?
I tried it. Ever since since the triathlon last August, I have applied 8 principles that I learned from my triathlon training to my dating life:
- Motivate. Take time regularly to think about why you're doing this, and to determine whether you're seeing other people with goals that are compatible with yours. After the get-to-know-you's, the question I often pose on dating apps is: What do you hope to get out of this?
- Train. Know your goal. Come up with mini-goals that work for you and do something every day that gets you where you want to go, like starting or continuing a conversation on a dating app once a day.
- Rest. Take a day off once in a while to recover and rebuild your centre so you don't get completely consumed by this one goal. Don't run yourself into a wall by becoming single-minded about your goal and losing the big picture. You have a life beyond training or dating. For example, my limit is one date a week. That's all the energy I can commit to an effort as big as dating.
- Advice. Get a coach, or solicit advice from people who have successfully done this before. If you want to get married eventually, look to married couples who went through a process similar to yours. A really good exercise is getting someone with expertise to watch you do your thing, whether it's flirting or texting. Feedback, while potentially embarrassing, can up your game.
- Partner up. Make sure your partner is working/training as hard as you are. I cannot emphasise this one enough. If you are training with (or dating) someone who is less committed than you are, they will hold you back. A little compromise might be worthwhile if you're getting results. But if you have a routine that works and theirs is completely out of step from yours, refocus on your goal and say goodbye. They're an obstacle to reaching your goal.
- Celebrate. This is hard. Enjoy it when you can. If you find someone you enjoy spending time with, celebrate that in the short-term. The small things lead to the big things. If you've made progress, be proud of it.
- Track. Check in on your goals every once in a while. Don't just keep doing the same thing for six months and then realise you're headed for a dead-end.
- Warm up. Start slow and use intensity wisely. Yes, I'm talking about sex. And deep conversations about your hopes and dreams in life. Personally, it's hard for me to take a step back once I'm emotionally, physically or even intellectually invested. Don't jump straight to the 1000-metre swim or the hard stuff on the first date. Take it slow. You'll be glad you didn't strain that muscle later.
Completing a triathlon was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But dating is probably harder because it takes even more endurance. I measure my triathlon success by the fact that I finished. I don't expect to "win" at dating, but with my new process I am less inclined to drop out because I got frustrated or hurt. So long as I keep trying, I always have a chance at achieving my goal.
The Washington Post