Fringe World Festival 2017, opening in Perth for the seventh time next month, promises to make the most of a no-doubt steamy summer.
The program is 144 pages and organisers suggest you "grab a coffee, highlighter and maybe even a notepad, then settle down for some quality reading and planning time."
I know you ain't got time for that, so I've obliged.
Bear in mind they rate the shows at Fringe, from mild (OK for Grandma) to medium ("will push your buttons ever so gently") to hot ("dark and edge, possibly sexy") to very hot (not for Grandma, unless you have a very cool one).
1. Triage! A Nursing Cabaret:
Triage! Photo: Facebook
This show from Zuleika Khan sold out last time it was in Perth. "Ever used an IV pole as a microphone while belting Beyoncé in the ICU? Welcome to Triage!" the tagline reads. Named among the top 10 must-sees of Sydney's Fringe, this show comes with the vouchsafe of my sister, qualified by virtue of being a nurse herself, who loved it. Take the overworked medical professional in your life.
- $39-$45 NOODLE PALACE, 7-12 FEB. Rating: HOT
2. Peter Allen LIVE in inverted commas:
"Entertainer with ham and cheese Matt! sings the Peter Allen songs you've always loved (even if you don't admit it) that tell the story of his dazzling, flamboyant, outrageous, easy-listening life". I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you don't love Peter Allen, you're either sadly uneducated or simply unAustralian.
- $17-$21 FOUR5NINE BAR, 30-31 JAN, 1, 3-4 FEB MILD
3. Sense and Spontaneity:
I've recently been on a major Jane Austen kick and I demand you be as excited as me about this mix of Austen plus improv by self-confessed Austenphiles Esther Longhurst and Jessica Messenger. They promise the show is 'Certified Boyfriend Friendly'.
- $16-$21 THE SHAMBLES, 10-11 FEB, MILD
4. Speed: The Movie, The Play:
"There's a bomb on a bus. If the bus drops below 50 miles an hour, it blows up. What do you do!?'" You climb aboard a vintage bus for a shameless homage to the 1994 action thriller that "proved once and for all the best drama is on public transport." Can I get a hell, yeah?
- $31-$36 SPEED: THE MOVIE, THE PLAY BUS DEPOT, 23-31 JAN, 1-4 FEB, MILD
5. A Night At The Musicals:
Feel like this list is revealing the true extent of my nerdishness, but anyway... UK artist Jonny Woo teams up with Olivier award winner Le Gateau Chocolat for an evening of massacre-ing all the musicals you love, from Gypsy to Grease, Les Mis to Lion King. "High glamah meets intense assholism in a night you'll never forget!" This show is in the beautiful De Parel Spiegeltent, which in itself is worth the price of admission.
- $29-$35 DE PAREL SPIEGELTENT 31 JAN-6 FEB HOT
6. Fart Lab:
Yes, it made the list on title alone. But if you want credentials, this show by "fartologist and all-round flatulence expert Professor Frank Hampster" had a sold-out run at the 2016 Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Also, everyone gets a whoopee cushion ("for comfort").
I should point out this show is technically for children. But who cares? And if you're that kind of child, I also draw your attention to another Fringe offering, Mr Snot bottom's Stinky Silly Show Returns.
- $16-$31 THE HIDDEN BAR NORTHBRIDGE, 20-22, 24-25 JAN MILD
7. Bogan Shakespeare Presents: Macbeth:
Boganising the classics never gets old and this is no exception, back after a sellout season at last year's Fringe. "Set against the backdrop of Australian Politics we find Macca, a young back bencher from rural Kalgoorlie, as he is approached by three Queensland power brokers and told 'one day you will be PM'."
- $21 GELO AT PIAZZA HUT NORTHBRIDGE, MEDIUM
8. Grounded:
If we can be serious for a minute? I saw this at Blue Room Theatre recently and it is the real deal. When they say "gripping and compulsive" they mean it. I'm surprised my glass of bubbly didn't smash in my grip.
A "one woman tour-de-force challenges our assumptions about modern warfare, family and how we live and fight in an increasingly virtual world."
This flawless performance is not boring or worthy but bloody mesmerising and deserves your money and 80 minutes of your time.
- $24-$29 SUMMER NIGHTS AT STATE THEATRE CENTRE, 31 JAN, 1-4 FEB MILD
9. Djuki Mala:
Djuki Mala. Photo: Facebook
This won best dance show at Adelaide's famous Fringe fest last year. From North East Arnhem Land, indigenous dance and YouTube sensations Djuki Mala tell their story in an exuberant high-energy show, a fusion of traditional Yolngu and contemporary pop, dance and storytelling, comedy and clowning. I fully expect this to be brilliant.
- $45 SALON PERDU SPIEGELTENT, THE PLEASURE GARDEN 27-31 JAN, 1-5, 7-12, 14 FEB, MILD
10. NINTENDO LIVE! Presented by Smash Bros:
"If you ever experienced the iconic Nintendo 64 console, there are some melodies that have never left your nostalgic childhood memory banks. Imagine how cool it would be to hear those songs again, recreated live on stage with a console available to play while you listen. And we mean MarioKart tournaments." I'm not this kind of a nerd myself, but I'm guessing this will float a lot of boats.
- $23.50-$31 ELLINGTON JAZZ CLUB NORTHBRIDGE, 22 JAN, MILD
11. BONUS ROUND (so many good things!): Under the Sky Sessions:
The Sunset Veranda. Photo: Facebook
The City of Stirling's Summerset Arts Festival hosts Saturday and Sunday evenings of free local and live acoustic music outside by beautiful Scarborough Beach, with food and drinks as the sun sets.
- FREE, SUNSET VERANDA, WEST SIDE 21-22, 28-29 JAN, 4-5 FEB, MILD
If you're such a miserable sod that none of that takes your fancy, have a gander at the hundreds of other options in the program here. Tickets available at fringeworld.com.au. Season opens January 20.