BEL MOONEY: How can I get my cheating ex out of my life? 

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Dear Bel,

I was 18 when I met my former boyfriend, the first man I’d ever really fallen in love with — kind, funny and so sweet.

When he went off to university it upset me, but I always supported him.

From the first night he moved away he cheated on me. He continued the deception (I found out later) for seven months.

I should have been smarter and recognised the signs — hardly ever coming home and barely speaking to me for weeks at a time.

Eventually, I found a text message on his phone that broke my heart.

I made the mistake of asking him when he was drunk to tell me what had gone so wrong.

His answer was to pin me to the wall and tell me I was the worst thing that had ever happened to him, but that he loved me more than anything.

I gave him a choice between me and the other girl and he told me that he couldn’t pick between us. I left him and didn’t hear from him for around five months.

Then I contacted him again — hurting someone in the process. I cut contact once more.

Since then we have both been in other relationships and he has moved to another part of the country.

I’m now 24. He has never really stopped trying to contact me: a message, a Facebook friend request, a follow on Twitter or Instagram, even the odd call or text.

My friends and family dislike him. On some occasions I have contacted him back and have always regretted it.

I’ve tried to forgive him, tried to be friendly, tried not to be friendly, tried changing my name on social media.

I don’t know how else to tell him we can’t be friends and that I could never love or trust him again.

I know he’s sorry, I know he misses me and I know I was the best girlfriend he ever had and how much he regrets hurting me.

How do I tell someone the past is the past and that he has to move on?

ELLIE

You are a lucky young woman (your whole life before you) who should stand tall — raising a fist like a feisty female — and get rid of this useless man clogging up your mind and heart.

What is it with some women that they cling to losers? Roll over and cry: ‘Hurt me again’?

Why don’t they have the strength of mind to sing out, ‘Go now!’ — and really mean it? How come they simply cannot see just how much of their own fault all this is?

Yes, Ellie, I’m looking at you here! In your longer letter, you write: ‘So I guess I am partly to blame...’ And all of us want to shake you gently and say: ‘Wake up, pet — of course you are!’

Let me immediately underline that if you have any fear this guy is stalking you, then the situation becomes very different. It would be obvious to you then that you should tell people and get help. Be very clear about that.

But all my instincts tell me that’s not the case here. Instead, they say you locked yourself into him emotionally when you were 18 and have never had the strength to cut all ties — even though he behaved so badly and everyone you care about dislikes him.

In your uncut letter you used the word ‘weak’, so you do know the fault is largely your own. That being the case, why did you write to me? You must surely have known what I’d say. So I will.

Your ongoing weakness is evident when you write: ‘I know he’s sorry, I know he misses me and I know I was the best girlfriend he ever had and how much he regrets hurting me.’ Oh, come on! How feeble does that sound? You don’t ‘know’ anything of the kind and the fact that you wrote it proves you are still (at heart) a deluded victim. It’s time to give it a rest and toughen up, my girl.

Do you know the Paul Simon song, Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover? It starts: ‘The problem is all inside your head, she said to me / The answer is easy if you take it logically / I’d like to help you in your struggle to be free / There must be fifty ways to leave your lover.’

The lyric then lists some of the ways: ‘You just slip out the back, Jack / Make a new plan, Stan / You don’t need to be coy, Roy / Just get yourself free.’ And so on. At 24, you owe it to yourself to be free of this old, dead relationship.

Nobody else can help you face up to your own truth; you have to delve deep within and haul out all your womanly strength yourself. At this stage it will necessitate your being much nastier than ever in the past.

Changing your name on social media is the action of a victim, not somebody in charge. What would happen if you totally ignored every single communication? Would he grow tired in the end? I suspect he would.

That is the only way, but you could kick off the communication blackout with the crudest, four-letter instruction as to what to do with himself. I certainly would.

Should I let my wastrel son go to jail? 

Dear Bel,

I was a single parent in the Seventies and struggled to make the best life I could. I went to college and qualified as a teacher to enable me to take school holidays, as I had little help with childcare.

I did well and bought a house, and later married a wealthy man. My son, an only child, did well at school, but seemed to resent my marriage. He got into mischief, fell in with the wrong crowd, sailed through GCSEs, but failed his A-levels. He then neither wanted to go to university or leave home.

He had a series of dead-end jobs beneath his capabilities. He’s had serious relationships, but they all ended due to his failure to commit. He’s never been able to manage his money and is always in debt. Now he lives in a house owned by us, but his life seems to be spiralling downwards.

We tried to help him start a business, but that failed. He has been unemployed for some time and I have discovered he has huge council tax debts. I suspect he has a gambling problem, but will not admit it.

He’s never been in trouble with the police, but I worry it might be a matter of time, given the company he keeps. He is in his 40s and I fear he is becoming too old to change.

I am in a position to help financially, but do not want to be enabling him. I am seriously considering allowing him to be jailed for non-payment, as I wonder whether this would give him a wake-up call — or would that create an insurmountable barrier?

I am all he has in terms of family — there is no contact with his father, who abandoned us when he was born. My husband has never accepted him as a son, as he has his own children who have all done well.

I wonder if counselling or tough love would help, but I am retired and getting older with less energy to devote to him. I would really appreciate some advice.

DEIRDRE

Recently, I’ve received a number of letters from mothers having big problems with their adult sons. It’s a telling reminder of just how hard and long a ‘sentence’ motherhood is, with no parole available.

That may sound bleak, but any mother who’s known tough times with one (or more) offspring will know exactly what I mean. Sometimes, you can look back on all the stress with disbelief; nevertheless (as I know well) you bear the scars.

In the past, I’ve often counselled ‘tough love’ — since it can be useful. Most parents will agree there should be a limit to how long you go on bailing out an irresponsible adult ‘child’. But although that’s all too easy to say or write, the reality is more complex.

When we read of parents who shield their children from the police, we may disapprove morally, but would we do the same, in extreme circumstances? I tend to think: ‘There but for the grace of God go I.’

This is a sad story — mainly because you clearly married at the very time when you son was most vulnerable and needed maximum support.

You admit a painful truth: ‘My husband has never really accepted him as a son, as he has his own children who have all done well.’

I’m not making excuses, just asking you to acknowledge it must have dealt a blow to his self-esteem when his mother was distracted by a wonderful new relationship with a man who did not care about him. He sought companionship elsewhere — and so (you think) the rot set in. Surely these are mitigating circumstances?

To ‘allow’ him to go to jail would be a dramatic step, although I don’t quite see how or why such a decision is yours.

You’re talking about money, of course, and you can’t be expected to go on bailing him out financially. On the other hand, if you do, surely you can attach conditions.

I’m sure you must have talked this through, suggested counselling and so on. The man clearly needs help, but you cannot be the person to give it. And as you imply, at a certain age you just become tired of all the problems.

Why should you permit this man in his 40s to exhaust you and continue to annoy (I’m assuming) your husband? It’s a painful question — one answer being: ‘Because I’m his mother.’

Which takes us full circle, doesn’t it? I think that would be my own response. But I wish somebody you know well could intervene. Does your son have a friend you approve of? Is there a member of the family who could help? What is the attitude of his half-siblings?

No matter how much of a wastrel he is, nevertheless he is enmeshed in all your lives, and that’s why a jail term would impact on you, too.

So please don’t accept that it is too late for him to change, but make one last effort to persuade him to get help, by any means.

AND FINALLY... The gifts that keep on giving

It’s only three weeks since we took down the Christmas cards with the rest of the decorations — and I piled them up to deal with. How?

Channelling my thrifty Fifties childhood, I turn the prettiest ones into postcards and make gift tags from the rest. Yes, I’m the kind of geek who sits watching TV with a mountain of cards and a pair of scissors. But last year I didn’t get round to it — meaning this time there were two years’ worth to go through.

Some people have stopped sending Christmas cards, as a waste of time and money. Others send e-cards or emails telling you they’ve donated to charity. Which is all very useful and so on — but deprives friends of your greetings. So what if somebody writes: ‘We really must get together this year’ — and then you don’t? The fact that somebody thought about me is infinitely precious.

Anyway, carefully going through the 2015 cards was a delight because of all the marvellous messages I found. The latest ones too ... but the previous year was extra special because my little dog had died and people were so kind.

Sometimes in the Christmas rush you don’t take in what people have written — all the more reason to keep cards for a while, then read them all again.

I’ll pick just one to share. To my astonishment this came from the son of a colleague, whom I met only once when he was a little boy.

Now a teenager, he wrote these lovely words: ‘I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry to hear about Bonnie and I still remember how much I loved your stories about her. I hope you have a very good Christmas and even though you won’t see her, she’ll be with you.’

There were many other beautiful messages to make me smile — but that one from 14-year-old Luke is intact in my box of Bonnie keepsakes.

See what I mean? Christmas cards are much more than bits of cardboard; they are gifts that keep giving — if you let them.

Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or e-mail bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. A pseudonym will be used if you wish. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.