It's a well known fact that kids look to their parents in order to frame their own sense of being in the world. Even if they start acting like they don't do this, they really still do.
While it's super important to check your own behaviours in front of toddlers, if your child is approaching adolescence, it's also a critical time to take a good, hard look at what you do or say.
Whether you're aware of it or not, certain things you do can convey very strong messages to impressionable kids about to embark on some of the biggest changes in their lives.
1. Gender equality
This is number one for a reason; the only way to stamp out gendered violence is to start with our kids and their attitudes towards the opposite sex (and other sexes). It starts with equality in the home, with discussions and awareness about issues of gender and most importantly, it starts with how parents interact. If your family has male and female parents, look closely at stereotypically gendered behaviours that could be influencing your children. Also read this article on why I'm raising my sons to be feminists.
2. Body positivity
Self love is everything. Model it, and if you have to, fake it until you make it. Choose how to talk about your own body very carefully and know that your words have the power to become their own internal monologue. If they express discontentment with their bodies, acknowledge it then focus on what it can do.
3. Affirmative action
It can sometimes feel we've turned into a bunch of whingers; sitting behind our computer screen being outraged at the world that's unfolding before us. The Baby Boomers can teach us a thing or two about affirmative action - the power of the people. Their Vietnam War protests are now the stuff of legend from a time when young people felt they could make things happen. It's up to us as parents to pave the way for our kids to make a difference and that starts with taking part ourselves. Whether it's starting a petition, attending a march, coming up with environmental solutions, show them what's possible.
4. Temper regulation
If you yell and scream at the drop of the hat, then perhaps it's time to employ some strategies to deal with that so that they don't start doing it too. While we all understandably lose our temper at times, making a daily habit of it teaches kids that losing it is a first, rather than last resort.
5. Safety in the car
More and more of their friends will be driving cars in the years to come - just at a time when teens are taking part in more risk-taking behaviour. We hear news reports every day of a teenager killed in a smash who wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Make sure you always model good safety in the car and talk about it with them. Never use your phone and always wear a seatbelt. Talk about never getting in cars with people who have been drinking or taking drugs. Be upfront, open and communicative about it.
6. Parents don't know everything
Maybe so far you've been able to answer all their questions and help them find out everything they need to know. Maybe you've prided yourself on being rock solid and always happy for your kids. There's also a time and place to admit you don't know or that you were wrong or sad about something.
Showing humility, vulnerability and your own complexity is vital modelling for a kid trying to work out exactly what he or she wants to be like, and their social connections with others will be richer for it.
7. Identify common interests
Yes we know it can be hard when you're a grown person, to listen to hours on end of talk about video games, but identifying things you are both interested in, sets up positive ground for future interaction. Whether it's a monthly visit to the go-kart track, attending their sporting games, listening to music together or watching the Star Wars movies over and over again, these bonding moments will count for a lot once the teen years hit.
8. Health habits
Eating well and getting some exercise are not only great habits for you, they're all good for your observant child. If they're a little reluctant to do sport, go for family walks, or do activities where exercise is just part of the deal. If you feel like you're pulling out that wine glass or beer bottle a little too often, they'll be noticing that too. Also, get over being doctor and/or dentist avoidant - teaching kids that they are responsible for their own good health will only serve them well.
Have you got any others to add? Let us know in the comments below.
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