As we lope awkwardly into the Trump era (some of us marching defiantly), it seems appropriate to discuss how we talk about disappointment, the shattering of dreams, the failure to reach our goals. To many people, Donald Trump could be seen as a living avatar of disappointment, an unseemly reality that the world is now forced to live with.
But it's how we live in a world of President Trump that really matters, the fact that despite all the positive thinking in the world, all the goal actualisation, all the hard work – we are stuck with him.
![It's important to have dreams and goals, but what happens when they become toxic and unmanageable?](/web/20170125155515im_/http://www.smh.com.au/content/dam/images/g/t/x/a/n/k/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gtt3m0.png/1485306115678.jpg)
Aside from voice our opposition, there is not a lot we can do. And sometimes disappointment is like that. Sometimes, we need to learn how to live with the orange manifestation of failure. For some, that will appear as a resurgence of energy, of a great community outpouring of collective resistance, as was evidenced by the supremely inspiring and impressive Women's Marches this week. For other people, there might not be such a clear avenue of constructive responses.
Our generation has been weaned on the Oprah-style pop psychology of "reaching for the stars", "aiming high" and most importantly "living your dreams". We're taught that happiness and success are interrelated goals, and that ANYTHING is possible as long as you combine a superstitious mixture of positive thought and elbow grease.
We are bombarded with listicles and life hacks that propose certain steps necessary to reach your dream. We are taught about magical thinking like The Secret, which proposes a kind of focused mental attack on the universe until it surrenders and gives you what you want.
And the thing is, these are not necessarily wrong (apart from The Secret – that's balderdash). Dreams can come true, goals can be reached, and success in your chosen medium is possible. I'm a classic example of someone who is best described as "driven" towards reaching my creative and career-led goals, but also might be described as "manic" and "unhealthily relentless".
Whatever, I choose to strive towards my goals, and don't envision relenting any time soon. So you might say I've drunk deep of the dream-reaching Kool-Aid, which is fine. I might even get there one day. But we need to change the way we think about not reaching those goals, because as much as it pains me and everyone I know, most people don't actually make it to the pinnacle of their dreams. Not even Hillary Rodham Clinton, the ultimate "driven" individual. And she had Oprah on her side.
Outside politics, creative careers are probably the easiest example of a "dream" – they are hard to attain, require immense amounts of both work and talent, and they are highly contested by all the people who dream of being Hollywood actors, famous novelists, TV directors, dancers etc.
A dream doesn't have to be career based – it could be to catch all the Pokemon or to have the largest wedding in existence. What does matter is that many, many people are usually competing for the same dream, whether it's a particular job, or opportunity, or award, or heaven-sent sign; and only one out of those many thousands of people can receive the coveted pie. When that happens, how do the people who didn't win absorb this disappointment into their lives?
Recently I had the now depressingly-common experience of almost winning an award, which is always a disappointing affair. When you're shortlisted for something, you can't help but imagine what life will be like if you win. It's harder to retain a sense of detachment, like "this would be nice, but it's not everything".
You want to win (because who doesn't?) and you automatically have to measure yourself against the winner. While you are told that being shortlisted is an honour in itself (and it is, I get that), it usually pales against the expected benefits of winning that prize – cash money, fame and validation to name a few. When we treat our regular goals like awards, it's easy to see why we get caught up in the idea of "winning", and the disappointment of "losing".
The way we are taught to respond to this kind of disappointment is basically to ignore it – it's all about getting back on the horse, trying again, learning a valuable lesson but coming back seven times more hungry and informed. And then rinse and repeat ad finitum, until the goal is achieved or you are dead in a shallow grave.
But what happens when the goal isn't worth it anymore, or the dream has been supplanted in importance? What happens when you're simply too tired to keep going?
Other creatives I know have talked to me about "award fatigue" where the idea of subjecting themselves to the exhausting rigmarole of applying, hoping, being teased by a long or short list and then ultimately being left with nothing has become too distressing to continue with. Some have severely limited the number they apply for, and some have taken themselves out of the game entirely.
I'm not there yet – I probably have exactly the right mix of naivety and narcissism to keep going for awards, yet after my most recent loss, I did seriously consider it. Feeling that let down wasn't doing me any favours.
For whatever reason, the "dream" can become toxic, and we don't have the tools to deal with that reality. There's a strong element of self care here, an acknowledgement that while the healthy and privileged are the ones who can keep straining to reach for the stars, not everyone has that luxury. Life, generally, will throw everything in your way to stop that from happening. Sometimes you can power through, but other times it's better to just stop. The pursuit of a toxic dream can be harmful, mentally, physically, financially and spiritually.
I believe we need to separate the notion of achieving happiness from achieving our goals – instead treating happiness like a worthwhile twin to both the pursuit and potential achievement of our dreams. Only then can we really ascertain how important that dream is when we are no longer happy. We need to not only console, but celebrate people who are brave enough to realise something they've worked hard for has become toxic and unmanageable. Our self worth has to be independent of outside factors.
In my creative career, learning not to equate my happiness and self worth with the goals I am working towards has become a quest in itself, but one that ultimately I feel is the only sustainable way to keep going. I don't believe I'll ever give up, but I also have no real idea what life is going throw at me in terms of obstacles. I hope that I won't have invested so much of myself into a dream that there's nothing left over if it never becomes a reality.
While it might look futile from the outside, I'll always choose hope as my weapon against horrifying disappointment, and from the examples of the women who marched against Trump, it looks like people around the world are too.
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