Sylvie’s demented Suzie Wong tribute act, a cardboard cut out of Zlatan Ibrahimović, and a debate about having a bath... After the bus crash life in Walford was (unfortunately) back to ‘normal’ in EastEnders, by Jim Shelley
There’s only one problem with EastEnders being on top form, as it was during last week’s Great Bus Crash Disaster – namely, the anti-climax of the episodes that follow.
Thursday night’s show for example included such sensational sub-plots as the caff buying a new coffee machine, the Queen Vic’s leaky roof, and a debate about the controversial topic of...having a bath.
(Never mind Brexit or Donald Trump.)
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Drama: Thursday night’s show included such sensational sub-plots as the caff buying a new coffee machine, the Queen Vic’s leaky roof, and a debate about the controversial topic of...having a bath
‘Sharon turned down the flat me and Jay were after cos it didn’t have a bath !’ erupted Ben Mitchell with characteristic fury, bonding with Phil by asking: ‘I mean Dad, how important are baths in your daily life?! I don’t even think anyone under-40 even bothers !’
‘I ain’t even had a bath in about a year !’ chipped in Jay, closing the issue.
Such mundane matters were intercut with even more nonsensical, surreal, touches, like the latest of the Carters’ ‘continental supper clubs.’
No wonder the Vic was going out of business if this was the solution to their financial woes. The punters in an East End boozer were surely expecting ‘a Swedish night’ would be more exciting than Aunt Babe’s grub and a cardboard cut-out of Zlatan Ibrahimović standing at the bar whose acting was better than half the cast’s.
Dodgy: The punters in an East End boozer were surely expecting ‘a Swedish night’ would be more exciting than Aunt Babe’s grub and a cardboard cut-out of Zlatan Ibrahimović standing at the bar whose acting was better than half the cast’s
‘We cannot risk upsetting the entire Scandinavian community!’ warned Danny Dyer. If he watched EastEnders he would surely have seen that this was unlikely, given that there had rarely if ever been any one Scandinavian in Walford. It had only just had the first sightings of any Chinese people.
I suppose his fears were well-founded considering Sylvie’s farcical ‘Suzie Wong’ tribute act – an ancient, racist, Geisha girl performance of the Goon show’s ‘Ying tong/ Ying tong/Ying tong/Ying tong/iddle I po.’
Admittedly this was more terrifying than any of the traumas suffered by the residents (and us) in the bus crash but Denise was more prescient than she realised when she started Monday’s show by saying ‘I’m just looking forward to things getting back to normal.’
Moving on: Denise was more prescient than she realised when she started Monday’s show by saying ‘I’m just looking forward to things getting back to normal'
No wonder even the characters had already become positively nostalgic about the horrors of the previous week’s action, even though it had only resulted in the death of one extra (the bus driver).
‘It’s like nothing happened,’ Martin Fowler miserably lamented to Denise in the market, looking up at the bridge, which like everything was already ‘back to normal.’ (If such a thing exists in Walford.)
‘Tell me about it !’ agreed Denise.
Tell us about it !
Back to normal: Denise was back at work immediately suffering no negative symptoms at all
‘Why let a near-death experience get in the way of a family feud eh?’ Martin sympathised about her war with Not So Lil’ Kim. ‘It’s a bit of a cliché but it’s not until someone drops a bus on your head that you realise how precious it all is.’
The first with this was that ‘someone dropping a bus on your head’ wasn’t a cliché.
Secondly, although someone (all their friends, family, and neighbours) HAD dropped a bus on Martin’s head (repeatedly), he was suspiciously fine, like everyone else.
Martin, Denise, and co. were all back at work immediately suffering no negative symptoms at all.
Moving on: As for the four teenagers that go to Walford Comp, Louise had recovered from her own ‘near-death experience’ so quickly and painlessly that her main problem was a video of her ordeal going viral
As for the four teenagers that go to Walford Comp, Louise had recovered from her own ‘near-death experience’ so quickly and painlessly that her main problem was a video of her ordeal going viral.
‘I can go down the school and have a word with them if you like,’ offered Michelle. Like the scriptwriters, she had seemingly forgotten that her last involvement in education had ended with having to flee her job as a teacher in Florida after she’d been caught having an affair with one of her (under-age) pupils.
Michelle had also volunteered to look after Denny, Louise, Ben, and Jay while Sharon and Phil went on ‘oliday.
Quiet word: ‘I can go down the school and have a word with them if you like,’ Michelle told her. Like the scriptwriters, she had seemingly forgotten that her last involvement in education had ended with having to flee her job as a teacher in Florida after she’d been caught having an affair with one of her (under-age) pupils
Considering Michelle was basically an alcoholic paedophile, the arrangement wasn’t ideal – although it may have been preferable compared to being looked after by Sharon.
Let’s hope she doesn’t make a move on fellow paedophile Jay.
‘Michelle’s too busy to look after you,’ Sharon suggested to Denny – by which she meant ‘busy drinking’, or would have if she had known.
Michelle had taken over from Phil as the resident alcoholic of the house. Whether it was living with Sharon that drove everyone to vodka wasn’t clear. But either way, Michelle was so unpleasant and tedious it was hard to care.
Sharon wasn’t keen on going away for other reasons.
Big shos to fill: Michelle had taken over from Phil as the resident alcoholic of the house
‘What do people don holiday?!’ she demanded. ‘They drink. Sun shining, foreign TV...What else is there to do?!’
Never mind the fact that Phil (and everyone else in Walford) drank quite a lot in Walford. All the time actually...
Only one scene during all three episodes came close to matching the previous week’s drama.
This was Denise skewering sister Kim during the Fox's family meal (‘goat water stew’).
Admittedly Denise’s original insistence that she couldn’t come because it coincided with her GSCE English studies was based on a rather dubious comparison.
Controversy: Only one scene during all three episodes came close to matching the previous week’s drama. This was Denise skewering sister Kim during the Fox's family meal (‘goat water stew’)
‘That class is the next bit of my life,’ she explained to Patrick. ‘I can’t give up my baby and then miss it.’
Studying ‘An Inspector Calls’ was hardly the same...
But Kim’s arrival in the middle of the lesson was unpleasantly vicious.
‘You know what these are?’ she announced to D’s fellow pupils. ‘Breast pads to mop up all the wasted milk ! That’s right. She gave her baby away. He’s now in care. We don’t know where or who with but she’s here ‘bettering herself’. Nice ! Really nice !’
With the help of her teacher and JB Priestley, Denise had worked out the route of Kim’s anger. When they were young, after their mother had left them Denise had raised Kim.
Hard to believe: Admittedly Denise’s original insistence that she couldn’t come because it coincided with her GSCE English studies was based on a rather dubious comparison
‘You even used to call me Mummy !’ she reminded Kim. ‘I used to get slated by all my mates and everyone on the estate. I thought you’d got over it but that is where all the anger comes from.
'You thought if I can give him up for adoption I can abandon you. Never mind all these marks and the milk and the loss. I’ve got to deal with your anger ! Well here’s the thing Kim.
'I never wanted the gig of being your mum then and I don’t want it now. So you finally have to grow up because it’s actually happened. Consider yourself abandoned!’
Ouch ! Kim’s nails may be long but she couldn’t compete with being that cutting.
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