I was just on the phone with one of Lloyd Bank International advisors answering questions on whether I am “eligible” to open a dollar account there. After answering questions related to my address, place of residence, reasons for open the account etc, I was asked on my nationality. I answered that I have both Syrian and American citizenships. The advisor then put me on hold for few minutes, and returned with further question on my Syrian citizenship. Are you planning to got to Syria soon? When was the last time you’ve been in Syria? Do you have property in Syria? Family members live there?

I answered that I myself cannot go back to Syria for security reasons (my name is listed on the boarder by Assad regime), and I mentioned that my family are still there and hence they have an apartment a car. That’s when I am told I am ineligible to open an account at Lloyd Bank International.

At first I was very astonished when she said that. I wanted to understand how is that a reason for illegibility. She went on stating the reason but not the explanation:

“We cannot open bank accounts for Syrians who have family members in Syria and who have property there, this might change in the future, but unfortunately we cannot process with your request at this time.”

I got furious, and still furious, not because I couldn’t open an account- I have developed resilience the past five years that will enable to deal with that. I was furious because Syrians are punished in this world on all levels.

I told her that these procedures pose as further pain for people who fled the war for their safety. For those who want to continue with their lives but are punished for their government’s criminal actions.

The logic is outrageous. It is expected of any citizen in any country in this world to be a resident and have a property in that country. But according to Lloyd International Bank, Syrians are not expected to visit Syria, are not expected to have family members in Syria (and won’t welcome refugees either), and are not expected to have properties there.

The advisor even told me “you know as you just said, because there is war and you yourself cannot go back for security reasons, I am sure you’ll understand why we can’t proceed with your request.” That’s when I told her that I am not sure how detention, barrel bombs, chemical weapons, cluster bombs among other weapons used by the government against its own people on a daily basis, will affect Lloyd bank in the UK.

People ask me what they can do to help Syrians, and the answer is simply: identify what are the threats facing Syrians today (Assad, IS and warlords), identify policies and procedures that punish them for feeing war and wanting to have a life (not welcoming them in safe counties, residency/job applications in the region; Turkey, Lebanon and Jordan) and also policies like these from private institutions that treat citizens who fled death sentences, as a threat.

There is something that have been part of me all my life but I did not write it down before. I was ashamed of it. Felt guilty towards it. I wanted to change myself to become another person.

Now, I think I am finding my inner peace and want to dedicate this coming out story to all the people like me in the world.

I am a weirdo.

I am one of the awkward persons you meet in your day or week.

That’s it, I’ve said it. I feel so much better.

You see, light social conversations are a nightmare for me. I am very bad at meeting new people and finding the right, light, casual, not too deep and not too shallow conversations to make at certain occasions; dinners with acquaintances, getting-to-know-people-closer meetings, orientations, the social meetings after the panel discussions or conferences, classmates, flatmates, neighbors, distant family members…etc.

Of course, over time (since I am 35), I have worked hard to “perform” a social person in all of these meetings. Sometimes it works very well and sometimes I make embarrassing remarks or positions. I used to be ashamed of those. So very much. Now I don’t think I care much. Perhaps it’s a good thing not assimilate, I tell myself. It’s OK not to fit in all the time. Especially I “trained” myself very well to give the impression I am an “everybody person.” Not awkward at all. Performativity makes wonders.

Unlike casual and light conversations among strangers or acquaintances, I find meeting a very small number of people, sharing drinks, cigarettes and having nice, personal and honest conversations very refreshing and empowering. These are my favorite moments about life.

I am scared of meetings that revolve 20-40 people. I say nothing in those meetings and I feel very self-conscious. Whereas I feel confident at meetings that revolve 100 ppl or more.

I was scared of public speaking but then I became fond of it, especially meeting with like-minded activists and comrades.

I can only do bonding-kind of relationships. That’s why I take friendships very seriously. And that’s why I sometimes value people I shared great moments with online (blogging or uprisings for ex) even though we haven’t met in person.

I don’t think I believe in the concept “socializing.” My brain and body don’t get it. I get disappointed at romantic relationships that don’t involve a real bonding. Interestingly enough, not all people need that sort of thing to be “in love.” I do.

In fact, I can only function in relationships (friendships or romantic ones) that center around bonding. It took me a while to understand this thing about me.

I am a very literal and precise human being. I love examples, long explanations. orientations, well-structed and detailed talk. Because my mind goes like this @($$&%^$(#(@ when I hear a general talk.

I stop listening to sentences that begin with “generally speaking.”

Use your words carefully, please.

I am very organized towards everything (meetings, dates, relationships, conversations, cleaning, buying, planning, going to a bar etc). I wish I wasnt but I am. I am so loving this post.

I am very punctual (unless I am down, unmotivated or depressed) and being punctual among a culture of unpunctuality is, well, frustrating, to say the least. I stop meeting with people who show up 30 or an hour late. I totally get turned off.

I bond very easily with animals. Not sure why I typed that here. Hmm.

Now the good stuff: I talk to myself a lot during the day. Part of my well-being is to understand myself, my new self that evolved during the uprising and the war. After all, I am living with myself ALL DAY. All my life. Sometimes I am not my self and I don’t recognize it. How to deal with that? My solution is that me and myself should talk about it.

These are not simple things. Not common things either. These habits and manners of thinking are sometimes isolating at occasions where casual talk or socializing is a “professional” part of your life as a student or worker. Even in your social and intimate life.

These types or preferences of relationships is difficult when you’re in exile or when you’re a refugee. Saying goodbye to your close friends and family, and entering a whole new space to find new ones, demands a lot of patience and energy that sometimes you have none.

Finally, I am so happy that I came out to this blog’s readers. To the people who feel they’re awkward; love your self and be confident about it. Life is too short to be ashamed.

Sat March 5th

Razan

Leeds