To stop terrorism, no one is allowed to enter the US if they come from any country deemed to be an Islamic terrorist state. The ban extends to people who fled those countries because Islamic terrorism is contagious, like chicken pox
Hilary Benn will say, ‘I have raised this with Jeremy Corbyn, suggesting he starts with Dame Shirley Williams, but sadly have as yet received no reply’
Can't she just level with them and say: 'Look, I know I’m a creepy lying sleazebag who can’t be trusted. I know I backed the Iraq War, and make up so many lies I accidentally claimed I was under fire in Serbia when I meant to say I wandered across a car park – but come on'?
I’ve never reviewed a film and I’ve not seen it yet, so I’m highly qualified to tell you how miserable Ken Loach’s latest offering is
It makes you proud that we’re a Christian nation, acting on the words of Jesus when he said: ‘Let the suffering children come, for the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these – but not that bastard, he’s 19 if he’s a day’
The plotters made an important point: that Corbyn must ‘reach out’. Instead of being divisive, as he was last time by offering them jobs in the shadow cabinet from which they resigned, he should let them pick their own jobs, and if they don’t fancy doing them one day, let them bring in games
‘We were more than willing to give him a chance,’ his opponents will say. ‘Indeed for the first 40 seconds some of us even nodded, but over the last minute our poll ratings have failed to improve so we have no choice’
Yes, one woman's benefits were stopped because a dead man who once lived in her house was assumed to be her partner, but that's just what happens when you're enthusiastic about putting the government's words into practice
Most Labour MPs supported Tory Party policies on welfare, immigration and war, so when the General Secretary gets round to banning them, there will end up being a minus figure of members, meaning any candidate who wins nought votes will be the clear winner
Next week a press conference will be called because a Russian swimmer has been found to have blood that makes him 40 per cent human and 60 per cent jet-ski
The marvellous thing about privatisation is it introduces choice. If customers trying to get from East Grinstead to London aren’t happy with their rail service, they can choose to use a different rail network – such as the Trans-Siberian Express
How cruel they were, forcing the poor woman against her will to participate in a government that cut the top tax rate, and trebled tuition fees, and introduced the bedroom tax, all while deciding not to fund jobs for unemployed young people using some of the money from bankers’ bonuses
If you were cynical you might wonder if, despite their ability to reach out to people, Corbyn’s opponents feel they’d be unlikely to beat him in a straight vote of members
As for Boris, he speaks the people's Latin: 'Cameron? He can do one ad infinitum mate'
'Most of us feel like starting the day by fishing for herring in an area designated for those with a European license. Eventually, you can’t help but be sick of the EU telling you what to do'
Meanwhile Boris Johnson claims immigration is hurting the low paid. You can understand his bitterness, as he’s suffered from low pay himself – earning just £250,000 for a newspaper column
Pro-life groups say abortion pills have ‘unpleasant side effects’. All the priesthood wants is a bit of health and safety. Is that so wrong?