Q: We have four kids (8, 6, 4 and almost 1). The older kids are close and tend to do things together.
How do we handle undesirable behaviour when the strategies are different for different ages or when the behaviour is developmentally appropriate (but undesirable) for the 4-year-old but not developmentally appropriate for the 8-year-old?
Also, how do we handle undesirable behaviour in public that, if we had only one child, would result in leaving the activity immediately, a consequence that would be unfair to the others who are behaving well?
A: You are one busy parent! It is not easy to raise four children these days, and you seem to care about fairness and developmentally appropriate behaviours, so kudos to you.
And although your care and concern are admirable, you are over thinking this.
For time eternal, parents have had many children, varying in age and developmental stage. To add to this, children have always been developing at their own rate.
Some children are extremely sensitive; some children have neurological, physical and other health obstacles; and some children will never mature into adulthood, despite their age.
My point? Even if you have twins, children are always in different places in their maturation process. Yes, it is generally easier to parent a crew of children over the age of 7 or 8 because most children can regulate their emotions with more consistency at that age.
But you have two immature children (the 1- and the 4-year-old), one on the cusp of a little more regulation (the 6-year-old) and one more-mature child (the 8-year-old). So what do you do?
1. Stop trying to accommodate everyone's needs
Parent the child in front of you without thinking about what the other children are doing or not doing. How you handle your 8-year-old may be different from how you treat your 4-year-old.
While you may be able to have a more reasonable conversation with your 8-year-old, too much talking could exacerbate the 4-year-old's anger.
Trying to appeal to the child's "rational mind" could be a fruitless endeavour and, worse, could create more frustration and defiance.
Your 6-year-old may flip-flop between rational and irrational behaviour, depending on the child's fatigue and state of mind.
You see? Whether you have a conversation with your child, take a toy away, cuddle, leave a restaurant or decide to let go of a boundary, just decide and move on.
2. Stop trying to make everything fair
This is the fastest way to make yourself resentful, overwhelmed, frustrated and hopeless in your parenting life. Additionally, it also makes you appear weak as a parent.
Why? Well, as the children watch you run around trying to please everyone, they feel your insecurity and neediness. They need you to step forward and not be right or perfect, mind you; rather, they want to feel your confidence in knowing what is best for the group.
This will never be perfect. Someone will always feel slighted, left out, unheard, dismissed or unimportant. And that's normal.
3. Be mindful of favouritism
Although most parents don't want to admit it, we often favour one child. For some parents, the "baby" of the family gets the most passes. Other parents favour the child who shares their interests. Some parents are partial to the child with whom they share a temperament.
I have seen favoured status based on gender, intellect, athletic qualities - you name it. As the mature one in the family, take a good look at yourself and know where your loyalties lie, because I can guarantee that the children know.
Hold yourself accountable for your own behaviour and how this affects the group dynamic. You can never be completely fair to all your children, but you can mindfully not create competition for your attention.
4. Watch out for the child who is acting out the most
For instance, if you are always asking your eldest, "Why don't you know better?" you may be getting increasingly defiant behaviours. Be on the lookout for red flags in each of your children and attend as needed.
If one of your children is in a rough transition at school or is having friendship problems, it is absolutely appropriate to change your parenting toward that child. Maybe you let some sassiness slide, or maybe you spend more one-on-one time with a particular child.
5. What do you do with everyone's hurt feelings about unfairness
You simply allow the emotions to come out and you listen.
At a calm moment, say to the 6-year-old, "I bet it is hard watching your older sibling be able to stay up later, right?" Or tell the 4-year-old, "I know it feels unfair that your brother gets to go on more play dates than you do."
Here's the thing: You don't need to fix the unfairness, nor do you need to find solutions for every heartache; you just need to allow the children to complain and not judge it. Allow them to whine about it while you sit, nod and listen.
When humans feel heard and understood, we immediately feel better. And your children just want to know that you care about their hearts and their feelings.
As you allow their tears of frustration, they will more readily adapt to all the things in life that simply don't work. This is what everyone refers to as grit or resilience. But remember: Grit and resilience in your children don't come simply from hardship; they also must be accompanied by a parent or caregiver with a warm and listening heart.
Leahy is the mother of three daughters. She holds a bachelor's degree in English and secondary education, a master's degree in school counselling and is a certified parent coach.
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