Q: My loving husband coaches our nine-year-old son's baseball team. Our child is clearly feeling the pressure of being the coach's son, and he regularly acts out. His misbehaviour ranges from interrupting with inappropriate questions when the coach is trying to speak to the team to a full-scale meltdown if something doesn't go his way (such as not getting to play the position he wants). How do I help my husband and son manage this challenging situation? I know we aren't the first to face it. From my other kids' sports experiences, this seems to be a common problem for parent coaches.
A: have nothing but respect for parents who coach any sports team, but especially their own child's team. It is not easy. You are right that it is a common problem, but no one really seems to understand why. So let's begin there.
Generally speaking, children are closest to the people in their family. Whoever does the caretaking (mum and dad, or grandparents, or a single parent), if the relationship is warm and supportive, the child feels most at home with this person or people. Next in the circle of closeness are siblings (and often pets), then other family members, then teachers and coaches, etc. (Of course, this varies from family to family.)
Already we see an important dynamic at play for your son. He has a primary attachment to his father, who is in a third- or fourth-string position for the other boys on the team, as their coach.
The coach-parent often will say, "At home, I am Dad, but on the field, I am your coach. No special treatment." Children cannot emotionally make that kind of separation, nor do you want them to. When a child loves someone as deeply as your son loves his dad, you don't want him to turn that off. That kind of love is meant to carry your son through all of his hurts and disappointments. Hence, we cannot expect your son to get used to this, get over it or adapt. (Not easily, anyway.) That will just bring more frustration for everyone.
Back to the dynamic. Although your son does not see his dad as a coach, the rest of the team does. And I am guessing that because your husband is loving and volunteered to do this, he is fair, kind and encouraging toward all of the boys on the team. He does not want to favour his son (which would be bad for team dynamics), nor does he want to be overly hard on his son (even worse for team dynamics). But for his son, this does not matter. When your husband takes his son off second base to allow another boy to play, or your son doesn't get to play the position he wants, that does not feel like a coaching move - that feels as if his dad is choosing another boy over him. Even though your son is not a toddler, he feels the hurt and competition for affection deeply and responds with a tantrum much as you would see in a toddler.
Your son is not trying to be bad. He isn't being a brat, and I would bet 10 to 1 that you would not see this behaviour if he had another coach. So let's go ahead and let your son off the hook for the bulk of the difficulty here. The work is going to be mostly Dad's, as it should be.
Some ideas to help this along:
- Your husband should seriously reconsider agreeing to coach his son's team again. Of course, he has this obligation until the end of the season, but the next time around? He might want to take a pass.
- Give your son a chance to express his frustration outside practice. For instance, if Dad knows the lineup for the game, he can share it with his son and allow him to have his big feelings ahead of time, away from the watchful eyes of his teammates.
- Your husband can also bring your son in as an assistant coach of sorts, but only outside of the team practices and games. He can ask your son about plays, practice drills, etc. They can watch YouTube videos together, take notes and make plans. This will go a long way in helping your son feel significant and important to his dad and the team.
- Finally, go ahead and allow your son to have his hurt feelings. It is appropriate and good for Dad to say, "Hey buddy, it cannot be easy to watch these other positions go to other kids," and then listen and wait. The more your son can let out his feelings of worry, jealousy and fear, the better he will be able to cope. The rest of the season may not be perfect, but it could be much improved.
Washington Post
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