Chilling on Crazy Coast: Serious relaxation in a corner of Kenya where everything's just a little bit loopy

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You hear some cracking stories about beach life in southern Kenya – most of them addled, as Kenya is not the most logical place in the world. 

A friend wanted to build his dream home on the beach here, and went looking for a plot of land. 

Two estate agents said they had the perfect spot at the perfect price and arranged for my friend to see it the following day. 

Bliss: Kenya's idyllic Diani Beach, pictured, is 20 miles south of Mombasa and prides itself on being a quirky but stress-free corner of the world

The next morning, my friend turned up to find the estate agents looking disconsolate.

‘We are afraid another buyer has made a higher offer than you,’ they said.

My friend sensed dodgy dealings. He said: ‘Well never mind, he can have it then,’ and walked away. The estate agents chased after him, shouting, ‘No! No! Come back! We were lying!’

Things were just as illogical during my stay at Diani Beach, where the fishermen drifting in their old wooden canoes seemed to have forgotten what they were looking for. Only occasionally did they think about bothering a fish.

One day I followed the smell of grilled red snapper to a cafe on the sand – the Colobus Shade. 

Under an 800-year-old baobab tree, customers clinked glasses, congratulating themselves on having found happiness for under a fiver.

Unlikely union: Jane visited the nearby Haller Park nature reserve, where she met an orphaned hippo and his adoptive parent - a tortoise, pictured

‘Nice place you’ve got here,’ I said to Masha, the owner.

‘It is a good spot,’ he said, downplaying the bright blue Indian Ocean, the palm trees and the baby colobus monkeys.

‘Lots of full tables,’ I said, pointing.

‘Those aren’t my tables,’ he said.

‘You what?’

‘Mmm. Someone opened a restaurant in my restaurant.’ 

Gradually I noticed an entirely different owner, cook and waiter were operating the tables in half of Masha’s place. The Colobus Shade had a competing seafood restaurant in the middle of it.

Imagine if Gordon Ramsay opened up his Savoy Grill one morning, only to find Marco Pierre White setting up Le Petit Savoy Grill by the loos. 

‘But doesn’t that make you… a bit cross?’ I asked.

Masha shrugged. He’d simply bought a few more tables. I wonder how many weeks on Diani Beach it would take for Gordon Ramsay to become so mellow. 

Room with a view: She stayed at Four Twenty South, a group of cottages set in a tropical garden right on the sand, pictured

Diani, 20 miles south of Mombasa, specialises in total tranquillity. The most romantic spot to stay on the whole coast is Four Twenty South, a group of cottages set in a tropical garden right on the sand. They are fresh and white colonial in style, with wooden shutters.

It’s the best of African coast life: baby monkeys peek at you from the roof, day beds are decorated with traditional fabrics and whatever you’d like to drink – gin and tonic, fresh mango juice or ice-cold Tusker beer – can be waiting for you. Just ask. 

You can cook in your own kitchen, but you’d be a fool when a local chef can rustle up fresh fish with coconut rice while you lie there.

Kenyans try to keep Four Twenty South a secret: no matter how stressed out you are, no matter what has happened the rest of the year, this place can fix it.

Four Twenty South is perfect for the less-than-strenuous sports of staring and passing out. I started by staring at the blue lagoon and the coral reef and moved on to passing out on the veranda, listening to the Indian Ocean.

The garden cottages are run by Hilary Martin, a friendly lady who lives on the site and who can find you anything from Marmite to a nanny.

Cheers: Jane, pictured, spent a good deal of time staring out to sea and feasting on delicious seafood

The Martins have been here longer than the road signs. ‘When Dad bought it, this was the bush,’ said Hilary. ‘He named it after the co-ordinates, so people could find it.’

Diani is on the map but not in the ghastly tourist way. And Four Twenty South is a few minutes away from Shimba Hills game park. 

In one day, you can see leopards and go scuba-diving, and spend the next evening picnicking with giraffes or walking in clouds of butterflies in Haller Park nature reserve and butterfly house.

I loved Haller Park’s star resident, Owen the orphan baby hippo, who decided an animal called Mzee (‘old man’ in Swahili) was his lost mum. Mzee is a male giant tortoise, but Owen didn’t care – it was true love.

The story of how Owen arrived at the park on the back of a pick-up truck is heartwarming. Sure, the pick-up was chased by frustrated locals shouting ‘Nyama choma!’ (‘Barbecue!’ in Swahili) but that’s not the point. Lack of hippo steak aside, the people here are incredibly easy-going.

Cut above: An on-site chef prepares fresh fish

Houses have helpful signs saying House Not For Sale as there is a tendency for estate agents to sell your house without consulting you. A second sign was more specific: If You Have Just Bought This House You Should Try To Get Your Money Back Immediately. You suspect a third sign might say: Or Go And Sit In The Bar And Make A Plan To Take Stern Action Later.

There are some terrific places to let your brain turn into blancmange here. The underground grotto Ali Barbour’s is transformed by hundreds of candles into a wildly romantic wedding reception spot. 

It gives you an idea of how blissfully sleepy life is in Diani that residents had to hold a contest to come up with a name for a bar owned by a Mr Barbour.

Some drinks and presumably a ton of espresso later, Ali Barbour’s finally dawned on someone. By a happy coincidence, the bar next door is named Forty Thieves, after the local estate agents.

Back at Four Twenty South, Hilary found a nice bloke who was selling fresh oysters, crab and squid. She then found me another nice bloke who shucked the oysters and whipped up crab souffle and calamari, and a nice lady who gave me a massage for £7. 

I stared at the sea some more, then passed out.

You can watch people exercising, but in a relaxed way – kite-surfers from all over the world float on the best breezes in Africa. They even have their own beach hotel, Kenyaways Kite Village.

As per Out Of Africa, Kenya is stunning from the air, and you can do an air safari with Safarilink from tiny Diani airport. 

‘Sadly, people don’t land their Cessnas on the beach these days,’ said Kenyaways’ boss Tony, a retired pilot from the chivalrous days when you got through an airport with a wave, rather than a molestation.

I’m going to go back and learn to paint: you can have classes at Four Twenty South with artist Timothy Brooke, whose paintings are on permanent exhibition at the Norfolk Hotel in Nairobi. But I’ll probably pass out.

On my last day, I walked down the beach for a last lunch at the Colobus Shade, and chose a table with a view.

Masha beamed back at me. I had picked a table in the restaurant that was actually his.