Foster carer shares heartfelt post on 'getting attached' to kids

"It took his left-behind toothbrush to undo me."
"It took his left-behind toothbrush to undo me." 

"It took his left-behind toothbrush to undo me," wrote foster carer Rachel Hillestad. "I'm sitting here in a parking lot sobbing my guts out".

Writing on the Love What Matters Facebook page, Ms Hillestad shared her story about the foster child who stayed with her for two-and-a-half weeks, who called her "Mama".

She wrote that she saw the little one smile, sleep through the night "instead of freezing awake in terror", and playing with him for hours on the swings her own kids take for granted. 

"I prepared him for his new home as well as I could," Ms Hillestad continues, "but now it's nap time and his new mom says he misses me".

Reflecting on her role as a foster mum, Ms Hillestad writes that people often tell her they couldn't be a foster carer for fear of becoming too attached to the children.

"Guess what," she admits. "I'm just like you. I 'got attached'".

Remembering the weeks she spent caring for the little boy, Ms Hillestad continues, "I was the only one who could get him to sleep or knew exactly what kind of jam he liked on his toast."

"I absolutely get attached," Ms Hillestad says of the children she cares for. "I wonder where they are now. They visit me in dreams and sometimes I wake up with a wet face."

Admitting that it hurts, Ms Hillestad writes, "Sometimes in these moments it hurts to breathe."

And yet, for the experienced foster carer, the pain is worthwhile.

"I'd rather these sweet babies know my love than never know it," she says. "I would carry their hurt inside my own adult heart if it meant there was less in their tiny sad one."

Recalling some of the stories of the children she has fostered, Ms Hillestad wrote, "There's absolutely no reason that an eight-year-old who watched his mother be murdered not know the love of a stranger.

"It's absolutely criminal that a two-year-old sit in a social worker's office for two days in dirty clothes because I'm afraid I'd get too attached."

Sharing that yes, she did get attached, Ms Hillestad's concluding words are full of pride. She writes, "Getting attached has been the greatest pleasure and honour of my entire life."

The foster carer's honest and heartfelt reflections have resonated with thousands, shared over 25,000 times and garnering 5000 comments. Many of the comments are from fellow foster carers who have been through similar circumstances - as well as those who were fostered as children themselves.

"We had a newborn come to us at 11 days old from the hospital and he left us at 6 months old," writes one mum. "He has been gone for almost a month and I still cry myself to sleep most nights. He was not our first foster child, but something about the connection with this child was different. It has been brutal... It's a pain that only a foster mom can understand."

One of the most "liked" comments is from a biological mother whose child was removed from her care while she battled substance abuse. "I'm so sorry, but believe this. He will never forget you.They may be distant memories when he's older, but they will never go away. I know this because I lost my son at the same age because of my drug addiction."

Sharing that her child was later returned to her care and that she's now 10 years clean, the mum writes that she owes her son's foster carers "everything".

Another commenter saw herself in the little boy's story. "I am this child," she wrote. "I spent six years in foster care. From the age of 2 until 8...I can tell you that this love matters. Your love matters ... My foster parents moulded me into a good and kind and loving,caring person. Because of them I am still that woman. Because of them I knew love and faith and trust and family. You hold a toothbrush and come undone ... but his heart holds love now because of you."