As an expectant parent, one of the most daunting yet unavoidable tasks that you undertake prior to the arrival of your little cherub is the trip to ‘The Baby Store’.
Your initial visit to these stores can be very exciting, as you throw open doors to a world of strollers, high chairs and gadgets of every shape, size and colour you never even knew existed. However, it's also safe to say that the novelty very quickly loses its shine.
Firstly, not only do you rapidly become totally overwhelmed by the choice that is on offer, but secondly, you’re totally overwhelmed by an eager sales person who rushes to your aid as you enter, picking up on the look of fear written across your face that can mean simply only one thing: first time parents.
Upon passing over the threshold of the store you can guarantee that this outing is going to take you on a journey something akin to a hike up Mount Everest in bare feet – and the path that you tread may well go something like this.
Step 1. Despite the fact that you may politely insist that you are ‘just looking’, the sales person will continue to remain indiscreetly behind you as you wander round the store, offering 'helpful' comments on their ‘best selling’ products that you just ‘can’t live without’. Finally you’ll give in and let them guide you.
Step 2. Once under the wing of the sales person, you’ll be taken over to one of the bigger sections of the store: the stroller section. It’s here you’ll witness them demonstrate how 'easy' their best selling stroller is to put up and down. After watching them perform a 30 second operation, involving five different levers being tilted at five different angles and five different speeds, you’ll ask them to show you again, only this time slowly. You’ll then try to repeat the actions and fail miserably before even reaching the second lever.
Step 3. After this minor embarrassment, you’ll continue to make your way around the store, nodding in agreement with the sales person that, yes, you probably do need a cot sheet set, matching lamp, curtains, nappy change bag and floor mat at their bargain 'one off price'.
Step 4. You’ll then progress through to the accessories section of the store, where the sales person will show you extremely useful products, such as a spoon that detects if the baby's food is too hot by changing colour. After all, one must never trust the judgement of ones’ own mouth to find out if your child’s food is too hot.
Step 5. Winding your way through the aisles, you’ll proceed to the educational toy section where, for the price of feeding a small family for a month, you agree to purchasing a multitude of rattles and toys that promise to aid your child in their development. Really useful for the first few months when your baby is not yet able to focus its eyes or lift its own head.
Step 6. At the end of the tour, your sales person will kindly offer to take your things to the check out for you. This is a destination to which you will proceed slowly as, en route, you’ll undertake a hushed argument with your husband as he asks if it’s really necessary to buy everything that you have seen today.
Step 7. At the check out you and your partner will both shuffle awkwardly and nervously as the register total clocks over into too many figures. You’ll avoid eye contact with each other, and will try to remember to smile and not to faint when the total is announced.
Step 8. Following the emptying of your bank account, you’ll leave the store armed with much of their merchandise, as well as a massive headache, swearing to never step inside one those stores again.
Until, of course, your baby ages, needs new things, and it starts all over again …