The word "lucky" is thrown around quite a lot in adoption conversations – lucky children, lucky parents, so lucky to have found each other. And people often tell me my children are "so lucky" to have me as their mother.
Personally I don't believe in luck. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason, and that we are the masters of our own destiny and happiness. I mean, I suppose winning five bucks on a scratch card is lucky, but adopting two beautiful children has absolutely nothing to do with luck.
My children were meant to be mine because I was meant to be a mother and have a family to love of my very own.
I know we were matched with our children because of the wonderful people we are, the way we live our life, and the way we treat the people in it with respect, kindness and love. We live our life honestly and openly and aren't afraid to have difficult conversations with people.
Most importantly we are so proud of the way our family was created.
I had someone say to me the other night, as she rang to congratulate me on the arrival of my new son, that his birth mother should be sterilised. People often say things like this about my children's birth mothers. They make assumptions about the types of women that they are, and assume they are drug addicts or prostitutes who get pregnant with no regard for their baby. And they don't understand why they should be allowed to see their child, when they made the choice not to parent them.
Unfortunately, as with all things adoption, it is never quite that simple. But the only part that is simple to me is the fact that another woman gave birth to my child – and that means an incredible amount to me.
I love those women to the very core. Without them I wouldn't be holding my two beautiful children in my arms.
I've met quite a few couples who have also adopted their children, and when we start chatting it becomes apparent that their children all have complicated backgrounds and histories. The most amazing thing is that our kids' stories are all so different and unique. No adoption story is ever the same.
What I want to say is that it's not your place to judge our children's birth mothers. You don't know what it must be like to not see their own children every day.
And you couldn't possibly know that my children's birth mothers are both victims of abuse themselves, and had the saddest childhoods you could ever imagine. They were not loved, adored and cherished by their families, people who brought them into the world but didn't take care of them. Some of the things they endured as children would bring tears to your eyes, and their loss and sadness is immeasurable.
But the choices these women made for their birth children means they will NEVER endure the same hardships they did. They are being loved and cuddled and cherished every minute of every day. They will never suffer at the hands of their own families, and will instead grow up as every child should – feeling safe and secure and valued.
For my two children, the cycle, at last, has been well and truly broken.
When the time comes I will share with them the the things I know about their birth mothers and the choices they made. When questions arise I'll remain open and loving and speak the truth, no matter how difficult that may be for them to hear.
I will always gently encourage them to visit them, as their birth mothers created them and bought them into the world, and that is something to be respected, honoured and valued.
I will always tell them how loved they both are by their birth mothers.
I will always speak respectfully and kindly about their birth mothers.
But most importantly, I will teach my children about compassion, understanding, and acceptance of others and the decisions they make.
That is the very least I can do.
Comments