Donald Trump intends to bring back torture. But which techniques? Here are some Aussie tortures that might come in handy:
The Macfarlane Date Changer: An intense form of psychological torture, the Date Changer requires the subject to sit in front of an angry, agitated crowd of Indigenous, flag-burning activists and nominate a new date for Australia Day. To add to the mental anguish, the proposed new national day must not only offend no minority groups whatsoever (best to avoid those tricky anniversaries such as the genocide of the Armenians or the enslavement of the Falun Gong), but it must also include a public holiday at the end of January because Aussies like their long weekends. Hours of exquisite self-flagellation.
The AOTY Technique: If the Date Changer fails to crack the prisoner, then force him or her to nominate next year's Australian of the Year. Having your fingernails and toenails ripped out with a pair of rusty tongs is less stressful. To increase the pain factor significantly, force the prisoner to repeatedly watch David Morrison's exposition on why the word "guys" is bad or Adam Goodes on why he's ashamed to be Australian. They'll soon be begging you for mercy.
The Soap Box: A cruel twist on the above. Tell your worthy stem cell scientist that he or she is Australian of the Year, place them on a pedestal for 12 months without respite, get the ABC and the media to fawn all over them, and then see how long they can resist before turning into a patronising, climate-preaching, LGBTIQ-worshipping, republican luvvy.
The Turnbull Process: Designed to crack even the toughest nut, the Turnbull Dithering Technique has been formulated by a group of psychologists specialising in sadomasochistic human responses to rational decision-making functions within the conscious mind. Over an extended period of time (the torture can be drawn out over many months, or even years) a number of so-called "attractive options" are repeatedly placed "on and off the table" in front of the desperate prisoner. These may include tantalising rewards such as food, drink, human contact, a GST, or negative gearing. They'll soon collapse into a dithering wreck.
Q&A;: A variation on the standard "good cop/bad cop" interrogation technique favoured by law enforcement authorities around the world, Australia's own "Q&A;" has been uniquely developed in an underground bunker in Ultimo over many years of trial and terror. After first being stripped of all dignity in the notorious "Green Room" whilst being force-fed cold pizza and warm beer, the subject is frogmarched into a large blacked-out studio and strapped in a chair on a so-called "panel" in front of glaring lights and a hostile, baying crowd. Questions are then thrown in a seemingly random fashion by a friendly sounding "host" until the subject is reduced to a quivering mess of bedwetting political correctness eager to confess that climate change is real, we need a republic, Australia was invaded and gay marriage is a human right.
Trawling the US Studies Centre Archives: Mental torture doesn't come any more sophisticated than this. The prisoner must sift through 12 months of written reports, in-depth studies, newspaper articles, radio and TV interviews, public debates, emails, texts, voice messages and any other material produced by the 30 taxpayer-funded academics at the $21 million a year US Studies Centre at Sydney University and produce one single sentence or phrase that predicted or supported the possibility of a Trump election victory.
The Bowen Knot: More effective than ropes, shackles, handcuffs etc – simply force the prisoner to explain Chris Bowen's grasp of economics. He'll be tied up in knots for weeks before eventually strangling himself on his own inconsistencies.
The Reliably Efficient Torture (RET) method: A uniquely South Australian/Victorian form of sensory deprivation, this systematic torture involves the subject putting all his money into a business (such as a pharmacy, smelter or perishable goods) and then randomly and frequently cutting off all power and plunging the prisoner into total darkness. Then dramatically ramp up the pain directly onto the individual's bank balance by applying increasingly frequent and even greater "power shocks" and blackouts until the subject is finally broken, or at the very least broke.
The Honours Torture: If none of the above tortures have succeeded in reducing your prisoner to a quivering, dry-retching, sobbing human being, and time is running out, then simply whisper into his or her ear that the following individuals all received the highest honours on Australia Day this year; Julia Gillard for services to the economy, Martin Parkinson for dedication to climate change, and Ahmed Fahour for running our postal services. Then sit back and watch the subject scream uncontrollably and tear their own hair out.
Get Rowan Dean's second AFR collection Way Beyond Satire at wilkinsonpublishing.com.au
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