Nothing says I love you like bondage rope... Gwyneth Paltrow debuts saucy Valentine's gift guide filled with crude jewelry, risque lingerie and organic condoms (but no vagina eggs!)
- The 44-year-old put out her Goop shopping guide this week
- It's divided into gifts for couples, men, regular women, and single women
It's that time of year again — Gwyneth Paltrow has released her Goop Valentine's Day Gift Guide, and once again it's filled with exorbitantly-priced presents.
While the 44-year-old recommendations are meant to pamper and spoil, though, some are quite clearly the kinds of gifts one buys for the man or woman who already has everything.
How else does one explain the need for a $260 designer flashlight, $165 playing cards, a $375 harmonica, or a $507 gold-plated 'boobies' necklace?
Sex stuff: Coco de Mer silk blindfold, $55, goop.com
Fun and games! Left: Coco de Mer linen bondage rope, $38, goop.com; Right: Sustain condoms 10-pack, $14, goop.com
Sex bunny: Fleur du Mal lace bunny ears, $125, goop.com
Last year, the star offered up a sex toy shopping guide packed with pricey vibrators and gadgets, and she recency extolled the virtues of yoni eggs for strengthening vaginal muscles — so her Valentine's Day couples' gift guide is actually pretty tame by comparison. Still, this list isn't short on toys or spicy costumes.
'When it comes to romancing your sweetie, it never hurts to heat things up,' she wrote. 'Whether it's a little bit of foreplay (lace bunny ears, love potion) or a lot (linen bondage rope, a blindfold, a feather tickler) — we've got something for every, ahem, taste level.'
The compilation includes a vibrator, a pack of sustainable condoms, and a linen bondage rope for getting freaky in the sheets.
There's also a Coco de Mer silk blindfold for $55, when just any scarf hanging around won't do.
Peek-a-boo: Only Hearts lingerie set, $83, goop.com
Eat it up! Left: Tina Frey Designs resin tray, $335, goop.com; Right: Sin oyster plate, $112, goop.com
You light up my life: Prada flashlight, $260, prada.com
Go fish: Peep's Paper Products x goop lover's card set, $165, goop.com
Perhaps the raunchiest item is the $83 Only Hearts lingerie set which has cut-outs up top, making the bra look a whole lot more like an eye-mask than anything else.
The list also doesn't short readers on expensive items most people didn't even know existed, like a $260 Prada flashlight ('for a game of hide and seek'), a $336 Tina Frey Designs resin tray, and a $112 Sin oyster plate.
Gwyneth also sells a custom Peep's Paper Products x goop card set for $165 on her website, which she recommends for strip poker.
The actress is currently dating Brad Falchuk, 45, a writer, director, and producer who worked on Glee. She 'consciously uncoupled' from her ex Chris Martin in 2014.
Spinning some tunes: Shinola turntable, $2,500, shinola.com
Do a little dance, make a little love! Left: Goop Fragrance scented candle, $72, goop.com; Right: Tiffany & Co. harmonica, $375, tiffany.com
Secretly kinky? Ralph Lauren domino set, $695, ralphlauren.com
Time for fun! Left: Fredericks & Mae dartboard set, $500, goop.com; Right: Rolex Submariner 16610 watch, $5,500, rolex.com
The gift guide for men is filled out with lots of accessories, a few overnight trips, skin care buys, and games — as well as a collection of vintage playboys.
The men Gwyneth shops for, though, seem to have very expensive — and specific — tastes. Her list includes a $72 Goop Fragrance scented candle, a Fredericks & Mae dartboard set for $500, and a Ralph Lauren domino set for $695.
Two of the priciest items are a Shinola turntable for a whopping $2,500 and a Rolex Submariner 16610 watch for $5,500.
However, the most eyebrow-raising piece is quite particular, and may have been inspired by her musician ex-husband. She recommends a Tiffany & Co. harmonica for $375, writing: 'Who wouldn't want to be serenaded with a sterling silver harmonica?'
Jewelry, please! Left: Sarah Hendler ring, $5,250, goop.com; Right: Bianca Pratt 14k gold and ruby feather earring, $350, goop.com
The breast gift? Anissa Kermiche Rubies Boobies Doré, $507, goop.com
Butt wait, there's more! Anissa Kermiche Le Derriére Dorée $370, goop.com
The shopping guide for women has much of what one would expect from Goop — lots of lingerie, some beauty buys, and luxe designer jewelry.
'Let’s face it: Half of the fun of Valentine’s Day is the anticipation of it all,' the intro read. 'Whether you’re booking a warm-weather getaway, eyeing something sparkly, or simply looking forward to breakfast in bed, we’ve got lots of ideas for how to sweeten the celebration (Hallmark holiday or not).'
The most expensive bit of bling is the Cartier love bracelet for $10,100, followed by a Sarah Hendler made-to-order ring for $5,250.
There's a $350 14k gold and ruby single feather earring by Bianca Pratt, ruby hoops, and ID bracelet, and lip-shaped studs.
Classy: Anissa Kermiche French for Goodnight earring, $305, goop.com
Bummer! Only Hearts underwear, $48, goop.com
Pricey stuff: Shinola shearling eye mask, $85, shinola.com
Of course, Gwyneth took the opportunity to remind fans that she's a regular girl with an unexpectedly dirty sense of humor, too — despite what the $298 kimono and $395 lace bodysuit on the list might indicate.
She offers up Anissa Kermiche's $305 French for Goodnight earring, which is shaped like a middle hand giving the finger, as well as two necklaces by the designer featuring a gold-plated derriére and breasts with rubies for nipples.
Finally, she adds Only Hearts underwear with a hear-shaped cut-out on the back and a Shinola shearling eye mask for $85.
Rosé all day! SNOWE x goop Rosé Party Set, $165, goop.com
True love: Keytags By Various Projects, $15, goop.com
All the single ladies! Left: Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love & Fulfilling Relationships, $17, goop.com; Right: Olympia Le-Tan clutch, $1,890, theline.com
Goop gets mystical: The Goop Medicine Bag, $85, goop.com
Finally, Gwyneth rounds out with a list for single women — who, as we know, are a different race from regular, attached women.
'There’s something really empowering about being on your own, so take it upon yourself to turn this manufactured holiday into a chance to turn up the good old self-love,' she wrote.
This list, too, is filled with jewelry and make-up, though it is by far the least expensive of this holiday's gift guides. The most expensive piece is a $1,890 Olympia Le-Tan clutch, but she also includes plenty of affortable items.
Rather pathetically, one item on the list is the book Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love & Fulfilling Relationships — which, realistically, is probably not the best choice of reading on a holiday celebrating couples when you are alone.
She also suggests buying her website's medicine bag for $85, which is filled with 'magically charged stones'.
There are also two classes for 'love potion making' and flower arranging.
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