Mother of all battles: who should take leave to care for sick kids?

Disagreements over who should take time of work to care for sick children are a cause of conflict for many.
Disagreements over who should take time of work to care for sick children are a cause of conflict for many.  Photo: Theresa Ambrose

I'm very lucky that I work for myself so I'm able to work hours that I dictate and have the flexibility to do the school runs.  

The other advantage, of course, is that when either of my children is ill, I'm readily available to look after them.  

The responsibility automatically falls in my lap, and that makes sense in our situation (even when it's a bit annoying at times!). 

But whose responsibility is it to stay home to be the carer when both parents work full time out of the home? Does it always fall to one of them, or should it be a case of sharing the sick leave?

Marta Brown is mum to three children, and both her and her husband work full time. When it comes to their children being sick, they share the care relatively evenly.

"The children are sick constantly, especially with daycare," she says. "And we've even had a few episodes of gastro that have lasted for about 3-4 weeks."

Brown says that she and her husband frequently discuss who will take leave, taking into consideration who's busier at work, who can push back deadlines, and who can work from home. 

"There are occasionally some issues, but generally we both understand that these are OUR children and it's OUR shared responsibility to cater to their needs," she says.

"I'm often told that I'm so 'lucky' that my husband is so involved, but I think that shouldn't be lauded as a big deal. Instead, I feel that those people whose partners are not taking on their share need to speak up and not put up with it."

But it's not as simple as that for everyone. 

When I asked friends what their situation was, there was a mixture of responses. Some shared sick care, some always took responsibility, and others had to rely on nannies or family to help out.

However, what quickly became obvious was that it's a cause of conflict for many. 

Some mums – who were the ones predominantly taking leave (in my poll, at least) – even felt that in this respect we still conform to stereotypical gender roles.

"When I employed a lot of female staff, I always wondered why it was consistently the mother taking time off, not the dad," says Tracey Kidd, a mum of two. 

"So when this cropped up for us last year I insisted I go to work (on principle) – but it was certainly an argument ready to explode."

Imogene Rothnie can relate.

"Did you say ongoing battle?" she says, "The 'whose day at work tomorrow is most important' is right up there with the 'who's the most tired' argument!"

However, on a more general scale this isn't always the case. 

Results in a recent Essential Baby poll showed that working, studying or stay-at-home mums were the primary carers for sick kids 41 per cent of the time.

The results primarily showed that it was a shared responsibility in 48 per cent of families.

Family psychotherapist and parenting expert Karen Phillip says that unless parents discuss this issue it can present a challenge.

"Often both parents may have an equally demanding job, therefore the decision is about resolving whose job is able to cater for one parent to be able to take time off," she says.

She says that if both parents work and hold an equal type of position then the responsibility should be shared equally, as both parents need to parent their child.

"If one parent holds a senior or important position where people depend on them, such as doctors or surgeons, then the other parent may need to share more of the responsibility," she adds.  

Phillip says that the key to resolving conflict is to maturely consider what each of your work roles are, and, instead of arguing, formulate a solution so you both know the required expectation.

She also offers the following advice and strategies:

·         Unless there's a legitimate reason to rely on just one parent, it may be negotiated something like the first and third week each month is mum, the second and fourth is dad

·         Consider asking for support from family and grandparents to take the pressure off you as a couple

·         With your boss, discuss the flexibility that needs to be implemented to ensure consideration of an unwell child for all staff

Trent Hancock, a senior associate at legal firm McDonald Murholme, says that there's certainly reluctance among parents to take paid leave to care for their sick children, for fear of retribution from their employer.

Despite this, he notes that all permanent employees have a right to take 10 days of paid personal or carer's leave each year.

"This leave can be taken to care for children if they're ill, and it's unlawful for employers to take any adverse action against an employee because of this," he says.

"If you believe that you're being discriminated against because of taking leave, you're entitled to make a general protections application to the Fair Work Commission," he adds.

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