Minefield, anyone?
I can see one, just over there, if you'd like to walk with me to its edges. I refer to the controversy this week, over the fact that female cricket stars have to sign clauses in their contracts to the effect that they are not pregnant at the time of signing. The question before us: is this fair, as employers should have the right to know if the persons they are contracting actually have the capacity to fulfill their terms of the contract in the long-term? Or is it one more example of misogynistic MONGRELS perpetuating the patriarchy and imposing conditions on women that they would never consider imposing on men? Does David Warner get asked if his partner is expecting, at the time he signs his contracts? Huh? Huh? HUH? Then why the hell should Meg Lanning have her own privacy intruded on in the same manner???? You with me?
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You go ahead then. I think I need to sit here a little and think on it.
Two obvious things occur to me.
First: Is it a thing the women players themselves should decide, yes, rather than the administration? I mean if the pot of professional pay was bottomless, everyone could keep taking pay out of it whether they are playing or not, no worries. But it isn't. It is a finite pot, just as it is in every sport, every business. So in this case, on the reckoning that pregnant women will be having a lot more time away from the crease than their corporate counterparts have away from their desks, do they organise themselves so that those who can play year round, year after year, are effectively subsidising those who can't? Or do they say that more of the money should be going to those who play most of the time? I say it is their call, not the administrators, and certainly not loud-mouth sports columnists, but am prepared to be shouted down if – as may well be the case – I just have no freaking clue what I am talking about on this sensitive issue.
The second thing I would like to know – softly, softly, one delicate foot forward at a time, to see if it is yet blown off – is this. Just how safe is it for a pregnant woman, and her foetus, to be standing at silly point and risk having a cricket ball blasted at her womb? If she is pregnant, how pregnant can she be before it is simply, and obviously, not safe to be facing fast bowling, to hurl herself to the ground to cut off a blasted square cut?
I don't know the answers, and am almost afraid to ask. But if, as I suspect, the danger to mother and child is earlier than when she is obviously showing, doesn't the employer have a duty of care to both, and therefore a right to know? Or is that more misinformed misogyny on my part? Perhaps Clementine Ford or Jenna Price - two writers I admire - might teach me the error of my ways! We are in a freaking mine-field, I tell you! But I will be interested to hear the no doubt learned responses, and will report back – even squeezing in the best of them to next week's Best Of TFF series, which starts then.
Desire for international recognition
![Steve Smith](/web/20161218211133im_/http://www.smh.com.au/content/dam/images/g/t/c/9/5/m/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gtco1m.png/1481895524794.jpg)
Wow! Who woulda thought that my simple item last week, asserting that the last bastion of the great Australian cultural cringe is our tendency to fall all over ourselves when we receive approval from the likes of America and England – a la their media gushing over Steve Smith's superb catch – would generate such comment?
Happily, most correspondents agreed with me.
![Illustration: John Shakespeare](/web/20161218211133im_/http://www.smh.com.au/content/dam/images/g/t/d/1/x/v/image.related.articleLeadNarrow.300x0.gtco1m.png/1481895524794.jpg)
However, some were so passionate in their remarks, and so compelling in their arguments that TFF seeks to graciously withdraw the assertion. After due consideration, I have decided that it is only the third last bastion, ok? The second-last bastion is reserving the top left quarter of our flag for the flag of another nation. And the last bastion of all is the idea – some people truly-ruly believe this – that no Australian will ever be good enough to be our Head of State; that we can't possibly run our own show; and so must reserve the Head of State position for whoever the eldest progeny of a family of Aristocrats living in a palace in London is! Can you imagine that being anyone's position in the 21st century? But, don't get me started. The main thing is the Prime Minister will be speaking on the subject on Saturday night at Sydney University in the 25th Anniversary Dinner of the Australian Republican Movement – which I chair – and we will see what he has to say on it!
Interesting drinking stories
Meantime, our international correspondent reports that Manchester City star Yaya Toure, was recently booked for drink-driving, and faced court this week. The quote from the man himself, on the courthouse steps, was priceless. "Over the last two weeks there has been some confusion as to why I was charged with drink-driving, as it is well known that I am a Muslim and do not drink …" Toure said. "As I was above the permitted limit when tested on the night, I decided not to challenge the charge. However, it was important to me that I told the court that I had not intentionally consumed alcohol."
I wish he'd got to the good part, whereby, presumably, the masked men held him down, poured the vodka down his throat, and shoved him behind the wheel of his car!
A Christmas tale
(No sporting angle to this, but I don't care. Suck it up. It is a true story and that is all that counts.) Up at the North Pole, Santa is getting ready for his annual trip … but he is beset by problems. Four of the elves have come down with flu, and the trainee elves quickly fall behind in the production schedule, which gets worse when they complain to the Elves Union that they are being overworked. The ingrates! Then, Mrs Claus mentions over breakfast that her mother is coming to visit with her three yapping Pekinese dogs and will likely be staying for some time, just before Santa goes out to harness the reindeer only to find that three of them have given birth, and two others have done a runner. More stress!
Then, as he begins to load the sleigh, his bulging bag falls to the ground and scatters the toys everywhere, including under the hooves of some of the reindeer, destroying many of them.
Totally frustrated, Santa goes into the house for a shot of whisky, only to find that someone has got there ahead of him and it is all gone. In his fury, he drops his empty whisky glass, which shatters all over the kitchen floor, right before the vet calls to say the reason Rudolph has a red nose is because he's a secret alcoholic. Just then, the doorbell rings. Santa throws the door open to find a little angel there carrying a great big Christmas tree. In a singularly grating voice, she asks, "Hello, fat boy. Where exactly would you like me to put this tree?"
And that, boys and girls, is how the tradition of the little angel atop the Christmas tree began …
Off for the holidays
That's it. As ever, TFF is heading for Newport Beach. Have a good break everyone, and thanks for your correspondence and support – most of yers, anyway. May your Christmas stocking be filled with any one of my three books, Victory At Villers Bretonneux, The Great Aussie Bloke Slimdown, or the collection of the funniest TFF items from over the years, called, Seriously . . . You Have to Laugh. Or all three! See yers. And don't forget, you're in charge till I get back, in late January.
They said ...
Don't come in, spinner – the fast-bowler has got you! Right in the twilight of the year, Mitch Johnson goes out after the Michael Clarke award, and snatches it! "I just want to be the fun Mitch, I don't want to be the angry, aggressive Mitch. I'm not the Mitch Johnson I was a season ago … I'm this year's Mitch Johnson, retired from international cricket."
Former NRL star Matt Cooper on being addicted to painkillers: "It was a cocktail of prescription meds, painkillers. I was like, 'I'm taking too many pills here.' There were times there I was like, 'I'm not going to wake up … [At rock-bottom,] I was sitting on the floor of my daughter's bedroom holding her hand for an hour just crying because I thought tonight is the night I am not going to wake up." What saved him was opening up to his wife. (Lifeline 13 11 14.)
English breakaway James Haskell channelling Mark Twain after claims he was dead from a drug overdose: "Just to make it clear, this is absolute rubbish. It is all click-bait. Rest assured, I'm not dead and not disgraced and for those of you who are sceptical, we get drugs-tested all the time. I'm not dead and for those of you who wish I was dead, better luck next time."
Justin Langer on guest coaching the T20 side and bringing in former teammates as consultants: "Spending a week with Ponting or Gillespie would be as good as reading 30 coaching manuals, I reckon. It's almost legendary the work ethic of Jason Gillespie as a young cricketer. He was like an Olympian. He's like an old junkyard dog, you've never seen anyone so loyal. And it's exactly the same with Ricky. You can't underestimate those simple Australian values."
Liverpool goalkeeper Loris Karius responds to his critics: "In our position it's not like that. Goalkeepers don't get second chances but also we can win games and be praised so that's the way it is. I'm not unhappy. I choose to be a goalkeeper. This is what I choose to do and this is how it is."
IOC President Thomas Bach wants to change the bidding process for the Games: "We have to take into consideration that the procedure as it is now produces too many losers. You can be happy about a strong field in quantity for one day but you start to regret it the next day."
Former England manager Roy Hodgson still not over the Iceland game: "I don't know whether you ever get over things that cause you pain. You probably shouldn't relate it to death and the family but where grieving is involved and things matter to you a lot, do you ever get over it? I suppose there's always going to be a scar. I don't intend to grieve any longer and I certainly don't intend to let it haunt me." Eppure, si muove.
Matt Renshaw was one who was surprised when the Pakistanis didn't appeal a snick behind by captain Steve Smith: "I watched the replay and I thought, 'That was really close … maybe they should check Hot Spot'. Davey [Warner] came out and said, 'He's smacked it.' It was a bit of a surprise that nobody went up really. [Smith later said] he smashed it."
Should Smith have walked then, anyway? Discuss!
Team of the week
Steve Smith. Nails a great century, against the Pakistanis, in the Test at the Gabba. Turns out, he sees the pink-ball-corner-pocket-smashed-to-long-on very well!
Isaac Heeney. The 20-year-old with the shock of blond hair, who was born and bred in the Hunter Valley before being educated at Waverley College, has just signed a five-year extension deal with the Swans for added squillions. Good luck to him. He is the real deal.
Matt Renshaw. The new Australian opening batsman, also looks the goods, early, nailing an impressive 71 on his home-ground Gabba.
Meg Lanning. One of the top athletes in Australian sport but how many know who she is? (Clue: She is Captain of the Australian Women's Cricket team, and she is playing like a CHAMPION!)
Oscietra. Daughter of Black Caviar is named after the Russian word for sturgeon. (Me. I have no clue. But racing people love that sort of stuff.)
Sam Brazel. The journeyman Australian golfer – at 37, more anonymous than a wrong number – birdied the last hole like a CHAMPION to win the Hong Kong Open, and become one! You bloody beauty!
Ben Simmons. The No.1 Draft pick for the NBA, a young Australian, is making his way back from a bad injury to his foot, and will likely soon debut for Philadelphia.
Twitter: @Peter_Fitz
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