Yes, yes, yes ... we all know that sport can be a wondrous lover, keeping you warm on cold nights, thrilling you to the very cockles of your soul, and romancing you on lazy summer days.
Another strawberry, Boopsie? Yes, my love! But it can also be a brutal mongrel black dog, a hell-hound bitch from the bowels of the earth, sent without mercy to savage the first poor bastard she comes across.
But one week in April last year, before our very eyes, she went for two fine men: Jordan Spieth and James Magnussen.
In the case of Spieth, the Masters defending champion was cruising towards a stupendous second successive victory ... ahead by five shots as he moves to the back-nine on the final day, as all the world watches ... when suddenly there is a low growl, a bark, a leap and the dog has got him! Spieth gets the yips like he never has, puts the ball in the drink twice, putts like a drunk and plays so badly Greg Norman felt for him. In the end, he lost from an all but unlosable position, not only handing the Masters to Englishman Danny Willett, but then having to undergo the final indignity of having to actually help put the jacket on him!
Jordan Spieth (left) and caddie Michael Greller after the final round of the US Masters. Photo: Getty Images
Magnussen? You will recall how going into the London Olympics, he was the Missile, our champion who could not be beaten, only for it all to go to hell in handcart, starting with getting lost in dorm shenanigans, flaming out in the relay with a slow time, and then coming second in the 100 metres by a single stinking one-hundredth of a second. No matter that he was the 100m world champion in 2011 and 2013. The record showed that the man who was going to be the star of the Games came home with a singularly disappointing silver and bronze medal. Four long years of training awaited for his chance at redemption and this week ... it didn't come. In that time, a newer, faster, younger gun by the name of Cameron McEvoy emerged and blew the opposition including him, away. He made our relay team, but that's all.
In the face of it, both men displayed extraordinary grace, despite the devastation they were feeling. They fronted the cameras, they talked, they sincerely congratulated the men who had bested them. They ruefully acknowledged that nothing had gone to plan, and the better men had won. No excuses. No tantrums.
Admirable.
The lesson in it for us? For all her charm, sport can also be brutal mongrel black dog, the hell-hound bitch from the bowels of the earth. And in their case we saw it up close.
Great, not invincible
Interesting. When, Muhammad Ali died in June, TFF tweeted words to the effect that maybe, the fact that The Greatest had been hit in the head for two decades straight by some of the hardest bastards on the planet ... might have something to do with his sad demise, Twitter went crazy. The trolls came out from under the bridges, descended from the skies, formed up in waves of attacking formations to defeat the very idea. Yes, it's true that Ali fought George Foreman, whose "Anything Punch" was so called, he told me in an interview 10 years ago, "Because anything I hits, I breaks", but could Muhammad Ali himself not be affected by that?
Pummelled in the head by Joe Frazier? No problems. By hundreds of training opponents? Zero damage done. Getting punch-drunk might happen to the likes of Jerry Quarry and thousands of other boxers – people accept that – but not Muhammad Ali! The amazing thing, however, when I followed up a week later, pointing out the bleeding obvious, and quoting the experts noting that Parkinson's is often specifically caused by "repeated head trauma", most of the trolls had slunk away ... with the exception of one or two. What about Foreman himself, they cried, why hasn't he got Parkinson's? Why isn't he punch-drunk?
The answer is that it is for the same reason your Uncle Bob hasn't got lung cancer – yet – despite smoking two packets of cigarettes a day for 40 years. There are plenty of people like that. But no one seriously denies that tobacco causes cancer. And equally, no one seriously denies that constantly rattling your brain against the side of your skull heightens the likelihood that your brain will be badly damaged because of it.
Another shock result
England's defeat by Iceland in the Euros reminded a Fitzphile of a similar shock result in 2002 when Scotland drew 2-2 with the Faroe Islands (pop. 50,000). He recalled how a caller to Radio Scotland went on a five-minute rant about how badly the team had played against such feeble opposition, and suggested forcefully that players and coach should be at least sacked, and perhaps taken out and shot. The commentator strongly agreed, saying that it was certainly the most dismal performance he had ever seen from a Scottish team. Caller, (shocked): "I'm not Scottish, I'm a Faroe Islander!"
A long lunch
Listen, as you know, TFF likes nothing better than occasionally trying to cut down to size pompous prats who also happen to be world sporting superstars – you know who you are – but even more occasionally you meet one of the latter, who is NOT one of the former.
Step forward, the finest ice hockey player who has ever lived, Wayne Gretzky. I had the honour of lunching with him last year and was deeply impressed by what a humble, interesting, and interested man he is.
Like our own Sir Donald Bradman, his sports statistics are off the chart compared with anyone, ever, but he didn't particularly want to talk about that. Rather, he was interested in Australian politics, film, history and sports.
Three greats: Shane Warne, Don Bradman and Sachin Tendulkar celebrate the Don's 90th birthday. Photo: Bryan Charlton
There was only one Australian sportsperson who interested him, however.
"Tell me about Shane Warne," he said.
It was a long lunch!
What they said
Dennis Cometti on the Hawthorn captain: "Like a dentist with blood in his hair, Luke Hodge is a man to be avoided."
Cometti from a while back on Brent Harvey, one of the smallest men in the AFL: "He might be the only guy in the competition whose feet appear in his driver licence photo."
Parramatta Eels legend Ray Price on the good old days: "When I was at Parra, Manly tried to buy Brett Kenny, Peter Sterling and Steve Ella. I went to each of them by themselves and said 'Manly are offering you more but you don't know if you are going to make it in that team. And we play you twice a year and if you go I will belt the shit out of you'."
On the mighty ABC's Offsiders on a Sunday in May, Josh Massoud commenting on the fact that St George had played consecutive games away to the Cowboys and the Broncos, and had been kept pointless: "Kinda reminds me of my Schoolies adventures. . . totally unable to score in Queensland."
Greg Norman giving a plug to family-run steakhouse Vlado's in Richmond, Melbourne: "It has some of the best beef I've ever had in the world. I have my own line of beef, too, but here it's just phenomenal." Do you suppose Greg can see his own tonsils from below, or is it just me? Either way, you can't make that shit up!
Sam Newman on critics: "They are insignificant people, they're arm chair critics, they are like eunuchs in a harem. They are there every night, they see it done every night, they see how it should be done but they can't do it themselves."
Retired NFL Star Thurman Thomason the effects of sustained concussion over many years: "When I started playing football as a little kid, the last thing on my mind was, 'will I be able to walk when I'm 50? Will I be able to keep a train of thought when I'm 45? When I'm 50, will I suffer from uncontrollable mood swings? And even worse, will someday I be so depressed that I would take my own life?"
Thomas on what the doctor who did the MRI scan on his brain told him about the frontal lobe of his brain: "It's similar to someone who has fallen off the top of a house, on to the front of his head, or going through a windshield of a car several times. That's decent ... for an NFL football player who ... played in the National Football League for 13 years. Not great, but decent."
Bronco James Roberts, on leaving his wife, while in labour, to play with his Broncos side against the Rabbitohs. "She was begging me to stay and not go but I just wanted to come up and do a job for the boys. I am sure Wayne did [want me to play] but he didn't say much, I think he was just avoiding calls from Anna."
Michelle Payne on being knocked out: "When I did come to in the ambulance, I couldn't remember winning the Melbourne Cup initially and had to Google it. But since then my memory's come back fine." If I write the script for a movie on her life, that will be the opening scene!
Dan Gilbert, Cleveland Cavaliers majority owner, after the basketball team won Cleveland's first sporting title for 52 years: "Thank God that God loves Cleveland, Ohio." I lived just north of there for a year. He doesn't.
Former AFL boss Andrew Demetriou on the Giants: "I remember someone saying it would be my Vietnam ... We took a generational view. Talk to us about GWS in 30 years, when you will see the benefits, just like the Swans. I'm not surprised by their success. The only surprise is that it's ahead of schedule."
Team of the Year
Brent Harvey. They said no one would get near Michael Tuck's record of 426 games. On a Saturday night in May he equalled it.
Luke Aikins. The extraordinary Australian skydiver exited an aircraft at 25,000 feet (7600 metres) altitude and landed into a large net just outside of Simi Valley, California, without a parachute. My guess is his aerodynamic accuracy was aided by having balls of solid steel.
Corey Bellemore. The Canadian broke the Beer Mile World Record with a time of 4:34. A beer mile involves a runner consuming a can or stubbie of full strength beer before running 400m, and the process is repeated four times. Do not try this at home.
The Australian Pearls. Our women's Sevens rugby team covered themselves and their sport in glory, with a stunning victory over New Zealand to win gold in Rio.
Mack Horton. The 20-year-old became one of the break-out stars of the Olympic Games, winning the 400m freestyle in stunning fashion.
Northern Suburbs. First Shute Shield since1975, coming to the ends of a valiant Sydney Uni team, on a stunning afternoon at North Sydney Oval in September.
Jim Furyk. Became the first player in PGA Tour history to shoot a round of 58.
Usain Bolt. First person to win the 100m athletics sprint three times in successive Olympics.
NSW Police. Those rostered to do duty at the SCG for the Third Test, not only wore pink caps, but donating their extra pay for their attendance to the McGrath Foundation. Bravo.
Danny Willett. The likeable Englishman – and there's a phrase you don't hear often – broke through for his first Major, by winning the Masters.
Parramatta Eels. I can't quite follow all the salary cap scandals, but, whatever else, the team itself looks great and were worthy winners over Manly on Thursday night. (So I wrote in April, warming up for my role as the Kiss of Death.)
Twitter: @Peter_Fitz