Marilyn Monroe once allegedly said "if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best", and I guess that has been my motto for quite some time. Recent movements towards self-love and self-acceptance encourage us to be more open with our demons, our emotional issues and our mental health.
Mindfulness – being in the present moment, feeling the emotions you are feeling, meditating on them – these principals are very much tied into accepting oneself, warts and all, and surrounding yourself with people who love and accept you for who you are. Be gentle with yourself, be kind, we are all human, we all make mistakes.
![My friends and family care enough about me to understand my triggers and patters, but don't I owe it to them to work on it?](/web/20170105175058im_/http://www.theage.com.au/content/dam/images/g/t/k/l/e/7/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gtkk6w.png/1483415205530.jpg)
While this all may all be true, with more than a few fallouts under my belt in the lead-up to the new year, I recently found myself having coffee with my cousin, clearly upset by a recent conflict. I was so exhausted from crying as I spoke, and as I recounted the events, I could hear myself, like a broken record: it was a different situation but the same storyline.
My cousin told me "you fight with everyone," and it was as if she took the words right out of my mouth. I do. I had a lot of fights in 2016, and I've lost not only friends, but opportunities. As the new year approached I was becoming more and more frustrated with myself. Was my self-acceptance becoming self-enabling?
If I get triggered in conflict, watch out. Past wounds surface and I don't feel safe and I will react quite intensely to create my safety by getting angry, leaving the conversation, swearing, shouting – basically kicking the person out of my life – so I can feel safe again. My very close friends have learned to cope with my reactions. I've sat them down, spoken to them about it. I've said, "If I tell you I don't feel safe then don't take it personally, just know that I need to calm down and I will be okay". But does sitting down my friends and explaining "how I am" really make it okay?
I am lucky that I have people in my life who do accept me, and know I have past pain. They love me and they want to see me happy. But what about me? Am I happy with what I do? With how I am? Is it enough for me to explain what I am like and just leave it at that? Because when I do get triggered I usually travel to very dark places within myself. I get depressed and I lose sight of who I am.
Maybe it is my age, but at the end of 2016 I was just over it. I was so tired of the excuses I tell myself. I was over blaming others. And I am not saying that the people I fought with are all innocent. They had their parts to play too. But this isn't about them, it's about me, and what I want for myself, and I want more. I want to grow and evolve. I don't want to remain stuck in a cycle of toxic behaviour.
I think we owe it to ourselves to sit in a quiet place and take a closer look. Maybe that's what true self-love is, where you love yourself enough to want to stop. When I have been triggered I centralise into myself and everything becomes about my pain and what they did. You get so stuck you struggle to hear what the other person is saying.
Our friends and family show their love for us by understanding and working with us and our triggers, but if we love them too, don't we owe it to them to work at breaking the cycle? Because it's no walk in the park for them either. People have feelings and get hurt by our actions, and you may end up pushing someone away that may have had enough and can't take your behaviour anymore – and then it's too late.
Knowing your pattern well and wanting to change it is a first step. The other day when my best friend triggered me, I stood up and said "I'm leaving", and every fibre of my being wanted to run out the door. But I told myself it was just my past pain being triggered, and that I didn't have to be defined by that pain anymore. My friend was saying something to me and I needed to hear her and to remember all the things she has done for me; and as hard as it was, I forced myself to sit back down. It was hard but I did it. And then everything worked itself out. "Logic" is what I told myself. Look at the logic. Listen.
I am certain putting all this into practice is going to be challenging. Toxic patterns and habits are hard to break. But acknowledging all this is a step in the right direction.
My new year's resolutions were very detailed this year and included listening to others when they are speaking, even if your past pain is triggered. Showing compassion. Being grateful for what people give you.
Just because we had pain in our past doesn't mean we are destined to carry it into our future. Because holding on limits our experiences and our opportunities. And that's not a way to live.
Koraly Dimitriadis is a freelance opinion writer and the author of Love and F--- Poems. She is also an actor and has made her own films and theatre. www.koralydimitriadis.com