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Donald Trump inauguration: Cash bars, no stars and an Irish hoedown at official inauguration balls

Michael Idato
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It was a question that would inevitably be answered: who do you book when every A-list artist in the world has declined the invitation to perform at newly anointed US President Donald Trump's inauguration ball?

Tonight we got our answer. Words can't quite describe it, but we'll give it a go.

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President Trump, Melania share 'first dance'

US President Donald Trump and First Lady Melania have their first dance to Frank Sinatra's "My Way" at the Liberty Ball.

It was equal parts Irish hoedown, Make America's Got Talent Great Again and Uncle Don and Aunty Mel's wedding, the one you didn't really want to go to, that was kind of actually worse than you expected.

As the sun set on a cold night in Washington DC and with the perimeter of the demilitarised zone surrounding the inauguration gently illuminated by the burning bonfires of protest, the who's going to be who of US politics hit the party circuit. 

There were actually three official inauguration balls: the Freedom Ball, the Liberty Ball and the Salute to Our Armed Services Ball. The first two were held at the Walter E. Washington Convention Centre, the third in the National Building Museum.

And of the three, the third was indisputably the better ticket. How do we know this? Firstly, tickets to the first two were just $50. No, not a typo. No missing zeros. Fifty bucks and you were in.

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And the first two had cash bars. Champagne was $20, cocktails were $15, beer and wine $10 and soft drinks $5. Seriously, there are chook raffles in Woollahra where the drinks aren't that cheap.

Trump promised the biggest stars in the world, and boy did he deliver. The thing is, he never clarified which world. And things got awkward when everyone started saying no. Even Kanye West said no.

Seriously though: Kanye West. Think about it. A shameless self-promoter who would perform at the opening of a wound. If you can't book him, you can't book anyone. And that looks to be more or less what they did.

At the Liberty and Freedom Balls they got Sam Moore, The Piano Guys, Lexi Walker, Cache Olson and Erin Boheme. Think about it this way: if you have to Google them to find out who they are, it's a safe bet they're not famous in any traditional sense of the word.

Up the street at the Salute to Our Armed Services they got Tony Orlando and Josh Weathers.

Tony Orlando, assuming you're not old enough to remember him, is a 74-year-old singer best known for the 1970s-era pop duo Tony Orlando and Dawn; Josh Weathers is singer-songwriter from Fort Worth, Texas.

The most famous act on stage all night was arguably Michael Flatley's Lord of the Dance. And even they, it might be said, are no longer at the centre of the cultural zeitgeist.

Accentuating what was already a deeply mediocre mood, it came with an accompanying television commentary.

Imagine watching the Logies, with a commentary box, and you're halfway to the horror of it all. Throw in Anderson Cooper trying to tack between social stimulus plans and the colour of Melania Trump's dress with a straight face and you're there.

Television coverage means that you soon lose track of which ball you're actually looking at, but it's fair to say that they all looked more or less the same.

You couldn't also help wondering if the folks at the unofficial balls - including the Pink Ball at the Carol Whitehill Moses Centre and the 1920s-themed The Great Gatsby Presidential Inaugural Ball at the National Portrait Gallery - weren't having a much better time.

It all came to a thrilling climax with the much-discussed "first dance", featuring Donald and Melania. Immediate takeaway: he might have all the money in the world but the man can't dance to save himself.

They were joined soon by Mike Pence and his wife, and then all the Trump offspring and their spouses. Soon after, it started looking less like Make America's Got Talent Great Again and more like Dancing With The Stars. One where no one actually knows how to dance.

And then there was the choice of song: Frank Sinatra's My Way.

Setting aside a minor media kerfuffle about whether Nancy Sinatra approved of the song's use or not, did no one vet the lyrics? The final curtain? There were times ... when I bit off more than I could chew? I've had my fill, my share of losing?

Even Sinatra herself wondered publicly. "Just remember the first line of the song," she warned.

And now, the end is near ...