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This just happened 2 hours ago.
I work for an IT company that services many small/medium businesses. I'm in an office with about 8-10 other technicians. We like playing pranks and any time one of our techs leaves their computer unlocked, we change their background to weird stuff.
I had just got out of a meeting and realized the new guy left his PC unlocked. I sneaked around to his cubicle since he was just on the other side talking to another guy. I quickly pulled up IE and googled "sexy pikachu". Found the one, right clicked, and set as background. Then I went back in to background settings and set it to tile across his screen. Standard stuff.
I quickly sneak back to my computer without being detected and wait for him to sit back down and notice. He notices right away and we have a good laugh about it. Then he says, "Hey, I'm remoted into a client's computer. You changed their background, not mine."
I shit you not, at that very moment, another tech walks up with a goofy ass grin and says, "Hey, I have Jane Doe on the phone. She says someone put something inappropriate on one of her computers and she wants to talk to someone about it." Jane Doe happens to be the main point of contact and decision maker for that particular client. I also believe she's the owner's daughter. At first, we think our coworker is fuckin with us, but he's not. He's just basking in the moment of instant karma.
I stand there for a good 30 seconds before I say "Ok, send her over to me." I'm a director and I have a working relationship with Jane Doe, so it's really best I talk to her.
I answer the phone. I listen to what she has to say. She had a mixture of confusion and anger in her voice. She attempts to describe what she felt like was an inappropriate background on a new PC and she wants to know what's going on. I tell her that one of our techs tried to prank another tech by changing his background, not realizing they were connected to a client. I apologize for it, I tell her the tech will be reprimanded and that it won't happen again. Thankfully, that was a sufficient enough response and she let it go. I hang up the phone and slap my left hand with my right while calling myself a d-bag. I've spent the last 2 hours getting my balls busted by my coworkers saying things like "Hey, I'm locking my computer for you" or "Hey, I'm remoted into a client computer, do you want to change the background?"
TL;DR Tried to change coworker's desktop background to Sexy Pikachu, accidentally changed it on a client's PC he was connected to instead. Main point of contact for that client saw the background and immediately called in wanting to talk to a manager. Am manager.
Been in the academy 3 months, we have to wear baseball caps that say "POLICE ACADEMY" on them whenever we are outside. When we go inside we tuck the caps into the back of our pants to hold them. I ate mango habanero wings at BDubs last night and had explosive diarrhea this morning so I decided to poop before going into class. Went to the stall, pulled my pants down and spewed lava for 20 minutes. When I was done I stood up, turned around to flush and noticed something under all the shit. Then noticed the words "POL", was confused for a good 30 seconds before it hit me. Drill instructor yelled at me for being outside without a cover, asked me why, and instead of the usual "no excuse sir", I told him. He laughed for 5 minutes, first time I've ever seen him smile. He gave me a new cover and told all the other instructors who now call me "shit head".
TLDR: dropped hat in toilet without noticing, explosive diarrhea, drill instructors call me shit head now.
This TIFU actually took place this last Tuesday. I was back at the office following a depressingly short holiday vacation. I overslept my alarm, so when I got up I was in full Tazmanian devil mode. In the process of frantically dressing, I snatched a new pair of panties off the top of my dresser. They had a little paper tag in the back, which I ripped off before yanking them on, throwing on the rest of my clothes, and rushing out the door.
Fast-forward a couple of hours.
I'm at work, where I am a first-year attorney at a big(ish) law firm. In other words, I am an absolute peon in terms of office politics. I walk around on eggshells just trying not to fuck anything up too badly, and I sleep with my volume turned all the way up so that if a partner emails me at 2:00 AM I can respond quickly. The firm culture is such that we constantly have slightly too many associates, who are all vying for work from the same people. Nobody has to give you work, and if you don't get work, you get fired. Thus, it's important to me that I present myself as someone who is competent, polished, and basically capable of making it through the day without making a complete fool of herself.
I show up to the office looking okay, but definitely not done-up. I have long hair, which (see above re: being in a hurry) I am wearing down. Today I'm meeting with some of the higher-ups to work through some motions for this huge case we're on. The team is basically me, one other associate, and four of the biggest partners at our firm.
An hour or so passes, and as we trudge along I become increasingly aware of an uncomfortable itch right above my butt crack. Now, I can't do anything about this, for obvious reasons, so it doesn't take long before it progresses from uncomfortable to unbearable. Pretty soon I'm shifting around in my seat trying to scratch my ass against the office chair, which, as you might imagine, is not super effective. I'm trying something--anything--I can think of to scratch this damn itch, but everything I try is just making it worse.
I don't realize that I look like an idiot until I catch one of the partners staring at me. At that point, he unceremoniously barks, "Let's take a quick bathroom break," and gives me a conspiratorial nod.
I'm embarrassed, but I'm not about to correct him because I can scratch my ass in the bathroom. So I rush outta there and hurry over to the bathroom in our floor. I go into one of the stalls, pull down my pants, figure what the hell, I might as well pee while I'm in here, and try to figure out what's up.
It turns out that while I had removed the paper tag, I had failed to rip out that stupid plastic piece that holds the tag to the fabric. You know the one--it looks kind of like an H, with the plastic on both sides. That thing has been scratching my ass all morning. No wonder.
So now I'm in the stall, and I don't have a lot of options in terms of tag removal. I don't have any scissors or anything with me, and there's no way in hell I'm going back with this tag on my panties. So I sit back against the toilet, lean forward, and pull the panties towards my mouth to bite off the tag.
It takes a minute, but I finally get it. Success! Yay! No more tag on my panties, and I didn't even chip a tooth. I get up to flush and pull my pants up, and that's when I notice it: the hair on the front right side of my head is wet.
Oh my God.
OH. MY. GOD.
I don't know how I didn't realize it, but while I was trying to maneuver that stupid plastic thing into my mouth, I must have DIPPED. MY FUCKING. HAIR. IN. THE. TOILET. The one full of pee.
I rush out of the stall. Thankfully, nobody else was in the bathroom, because now I'm bent over the sink just frantically washing my hair in the bathroom sink with the hands-free soap dispenser. After a couple of minutes, I finish, and look up...and that's when I remember I have to get back into the meeting.
I have to walk back into a meeting in a room full of people I work for with my hair dripping wet and zero explanation.
For some reason I decide it won't be as bad if BOTH sides are wet, so I haphazardly soak the other half of my hair. I have no hair ties or bobby pins, both things that I normally would have brought, except that today I was in too much of a hurry.
Eventually I run out of ideas, so I just squeeze my hair out as best I can and walk back into the conference room. Several people look at my hair, but nobody asks about it. I offer no explanation. Nobody says a damn thing until we get up to leave. I gather all of my papers and notes and promise everyone that I'll get this all done as soon as I possibly can. I'm ducking out of the room and I hear one of the partners saying to another, "I must be going crazy, because I thought her hair was dry when we sat down in here."
TL;DR: I failed to remove a plastic tag on a new pair of panties. When I finally did so, I managed to dip my hair in pee-filled toilet water and then had to go out into a room full of my bosses and pretend like nothing happened.
Edit: Wow, thanks for the gold! :)
So this happened on Saturday the 24th of December. Yes. Christmas Eve I fucked up pretty bad.
So I work at a local EB games store and I can't help but inform you that I have some days where everything goes so damn well. Whereas others are just not so much.
As some of you may be aware we trade in video games, which is a cool part of the job. You get to help people like yourself save heaps on new things.
A pretty rough looking lady comes in and I get this smell in my nose and I just can't hit what it is but she comes to my till and asks if she could trade some games in. Of course I say yes and ask the mandatory questions. "Do you have your EB world card and some photo ID for the trade?"
Now that there. That is where things got a little different. She asked "can I use this as my photo ID?" And pulls out a crumpled piece of paper from her bag. I unfold it and read it and it turns out to be a prison release form with everything I needed from a photo ID card to process the trade. So I double check with my manager to which he looks at me like "... What the hell?" But does agree and say I can.
Onwards. I proceed to do this trade to which I find has a very obscure smell to it. I find myself trying not to gag multiple times as some of the games were quite damp. But I list them into a defective section so they can get sent to our warehouse and fixed if they're damaged. By now I'm assuming it's just water damage and maybe mould? Which... I guess it isn't too out of the ordinary coming from the neighbourhood I grew up in. A lot of people didn't treat their games as well as they should. But none ever this bad.
So time goes by and we're fairly busy. So I put these games behind the counter on a shelf so we can sticker them up. This smell lingered on for quite a while..
Eventually it quietens down and we do everything we needed to. Except these games. To which the girl I'm working with gets to before I do.
She pauses. Looks at me. Looks at the games. Leans in and sniffs. Looks back at me and says. ".. These smell like piss.."
My stomach drops at this point. She went through and found them all. I think back to when I had it all wet on my hands. I rush out the back and practically shower in this hand sanitiser we have and pretty much scream in silence.
We straight out threw those games in the bin with a note on them saying "CHEMICALLY UNSTABLE" just because we didn't want anyone going near them.
My managers don't scold me though as I was expecting. My assistant manager walks over to me with a slight scary smirk on his face and says to me "I know in your time you've probably had some mad customers... but have you ever had anyone as pissy as her?" And just laughed.
TLDR: I accepted a game trade from an ex-prisoner who had pissed on her video games before trading them in. :(
This happened roughly six months ago. We were on a family vacation down in lake havasu. My father-in-law and myself are really close and we work together so we see each other almost every day.
We were making our way down Parker river stopping at each of the bars getting more and more drunk. At the last stop we were chatting at the bar giving each other shit as usual when he called me buttmaster or something along those lines, saying to me that I love to do butt stuff and that's when my stupid drunk ass said, "yeah with your daughter." I cringe just typing this, idk what compelled me to say that but I got the biggest look of disbelief and our conversation just kind of stopped.
TLDR; got drunk, father-in-law called me butt master, told him I was a butt master with his daughter.
This wasn't today, it was probably 3 years ago.
I was living in North Sweden at the time with family (Originally Australian). Saunas are extremely popular there and they are everywhere. Most of the apartment blocks in town had like a communal hall that you could hire for parties/gatherings/bbqs etc. All of these halls had a sauna.
We had a party with a lot of my cousins and their friends one night. We were blind drunk and thought it was time for a nice sauna. My cousin turned on the sauna and about 10 minutes later I was the first one in and the sauna room was just room temperature. So I walked out of the room and told him that he hadn't turned it on. He insisted that it was on and looked at the digital gauge and confirmed it was at full heat. Being the typical drunk Aussie I was determined to prove him he was wrong. I picked up the rock out of the stove (It was warm) and help it up and said "Look! See!" He once again insisted that it was at full heat. I then took it one step further to prove him wrong. I took off my towel and sat on the sauna heater to prove once more that he was a stupid Swed and I was the alpha male. Well. Turns out the elements inside the heater that actually heats up the room and rocks were at full heat (Like he said) and I completely incinerated my ass. 3rd degree burns for days.
I then ran out to the snow and sat in the snow drinking beer for a solid hour and then just numbed myself with more beer until the early hours.
I didn't go to hospital, just bought a fuck load of antiseptic power and burn-bandages. Took a solid 5 weeks to heal.
The hardest part was I had booked a flight home to Australia to surprise my family for x-mas a day after the accident. The trip is 35 Hours door to door. I had to sit and squirm in my plane seat like i had just been violently gang raped for the entire trip home and pack about 8 pairs under wear on my carry on luggage because the wounds were weeping so badly and the bandages did very little to stop it.
TL;DR - Arrogant Aussie gets swift dose of karma, burns own ass badly, flight home was nothing short of torture choreographed by Satan himself
Edit - Proof/Spelling
Edit Edit - Trigger proofing sigh
Proof - THIS IS NSFW!! - http://imgur.com/a/hlH1s
Honestly. Ever heard of the saying curiosity killed that cat? That applies to that image. You have been warned.
This is me on Skype to my GF back home showing her my proud achievement.
PART I The Mistake
It was my day to do the dishes. I just got this dildo as a present from my girlfriend. It's plastic, lime green, and vaguely penis shaped but not obvious.
I share a bathroom with my sister (8 years my junior) and couldn't risk being caught scrubbing it in the sink, and didn't know if hand sanitizer/wipes would be thorough enough, so as a last resort, I threw it in the top rack of the dishwasher. Usually my family avoids housework like the plague, so I wasn't worried about anyone touching the dishwasher. I loaded the detergent, pressed "start", and waited anxiously for the cycle to finish. I got up to plug my phone in, and having been up all night before studying, fell asleep.
I woke up three hours later and raced to unload the dishwasher. There, like a lemon scented Freudian nightmare, was my mother in her yellow dish gloves, holding my dildo.
"Mom, I can explain this--" she cut me off, "Don't worry, I should have told you." I looked at her, confused. "I know it's your day to wash up but you'd been studying so hard I didn't want to wake you. I forgot to tell you we need to unload early today because your grandparents are coming for dinner." My mother talks with her hands, so as she tells me my grandparents are visiting, she's flailing the sex toy around like a baton.
She says "But I was wondering," (in reference to my dildo) "where does this go, I don't recognize it." I was at a loss for words. Because of the plastic and the bright color, and you know, finding it in the kitchen, she apparently assumed it was some sort of cooking utensil. "Oh, is it one of those wands to drizzle sauce?" Panicked I just vigorously nodded my head while she put it away in a drawer.
I spent the next two hours plotting how to sneak it out of there, but she was cooking right from the time she found it. She didn't even stop for a bathroom break.
I tried to set off a smoke detector so we'd all have to leave the house, but by the time I came up with this idea and I found one of my dad's lighters, she was already setting the table. And to my horror, my nine year old sister was carrying our third generation antique gravy boat to the table, with my dildo sticking straight up, erect, if you will, in the sauce.
I called my best friend and begged him to say I'd borrowed the "sauce drizzler" from him and he needed it back now, but by the time he stopped laughing and listened to my plea, my grandparents had already arrived. And we don't live in the kind of community where friends drop by unexpected, so if he came now it would arouse suspicion.
PART II The Dinner
My grandparents had arrived and were hanging out in the TV room playing checkers with my little sister. The table was set and we were waiting to eat until my dad got back from work. So about this time he comes in the door and my mom furiously ushers everyone in to the dining room (alcove just off the TV room).
I'm almost sweating through my shirt, my face is red, and I'm usually pretty quiet but out of nervousness I just couldn't shut up. My dad put his hand on my shoulder and I jumped out of nervousness. He said "You ok 'athrowawayof_course'?" I said "Of course I am I'm always ok, everything's fine and I'm so lucky to have such a great family and pot roast is my favorite, but you knew that didn't you?" He gave me a sideways look and sat down. We said grace (yep, we're religious, because that helps me so much in this situation) and my dad started to carve the roast for everyone.
I'm practically unconscious from anxiety at this point and my leg is shaking which is noticeably shaking the table. My father says to my mother "Pass the gravy down please?" He picks up my dildo by the base, and starts to absentmindedly drizzle the gravy when he furrows his brown and slowly looks down at the "gravy wand" in his hand, at my pale pathetic shaking self, and at the "drizzler" again, and collapses laughing. Big heaving chuckles and guffaws. He's in tears laughing and holding his sides while everyone goes "What, what's funny?!?!" He gets up and says through rips of laughter "Excuse me everyone, I have to go wash my hands." But as he's turning to leave he says "Dad, I know you're not a fan of gravy but this is a new recipe and you have to try it." My mother is like "It's not a new recipe it's the same brand I always buy--" But my dad is already out of the room.
So my grandpa says "Don't be silly, I'll give it a try, 'my mothers name'." But as my sister passes it down, my grandmother grabs it first, since she's sitting closer. She drizzles a heap of gravy on to her meat and passes it to my grandfather. He picks it up and takes a little gravy when he gets a full view of what exactly he's holding. My grandpa is an OG. He didn't even crack a smile. He just slid the dildo back in to the gravy and placed it calmly back on the table. He throws an arm across my grandmother and says "No more dear, I think the meat's a tad underdone." She says "What? Tastes fine to me." And goes for another bite. My grandpa snatches the fork out of her hand and proceeds to go dump both their plates in the trash. My mother is appalled they don't want her cooking and offers to throw it back in the oven. My grandfather said "At our age, food poisoning is serious business, can't take the risk." My grandmother was about to further protest when my grandpa inconspicuously pulls the dildo out of the gravy enough for my grandmother to recognize it (I don't want to know why she could). She quickly says "You know, I wasn't all that hungry anyways."
So my grandpa isn't going to let me get away with this that easy. It takes maybe three minutes before he says to my mother "This jerked chicken is delicious." I choked on the green bean I'd been nibbling. My confused grandmother said "Dear, it's a pot roast. Are you feeling alright?" My grandpa says "Never. Better. I'm just saying this particular pot roast reminds me of pulled pork. Maybe it's something in the gravy? Then my grandmother realized what he was doing and firmly says "David, stop it." My mother goes "Everyone is being so strange tonight. What is going on?" My Dad walks back in, face still red from laugh-crying.
My grandfather cuts in "So, 'athrowawayof_course' I hear you've been studying long and hard for finals." My mother doesn't get it and says "With college applications coming up, it's never been more important." My grandpa: "Oh yah, yah, I hear it can be really difficult to penetrate that inner circle." My Dad excused himself again. Just as he was leaving the table, the doorbell rings. In between snorts he calls to my mother "I've got it hun!"
He answers the door and it's my neighbor from a few houses down, who also happens to be my and my sister's piano teacher, so she knows our family pretty well. She's locked out and wants to wait for the locksmith inside our place since it's so cold outside. My mother offers to fix her a plate. She gratefully accepts and sits down. She's met my grandparents before at our recitals so they get to talking about politics or whatever when my mother offers her some gravy. My dad and grandfather simultaneously go "No!" And my dad cuts in "It's spoiled." My mother says "Nonsense. They've been strange all night, don't mind them. Must be the cold weather."
So my neighbor/piano teacher/family friend clasps my dildo with both hands and begins drizzling the sauce over her meat. She stops and puts it back in the boat, then raises her eyebrows all the way up, and pushes her plate away. A few silent seconds of chewing go by when my neighbor says "'my mother's name'?" -- pause -- "There's an artificial phallus in the gravy."
PART 3 Aftermath
So a few minutes after that my grandfather got up and thanked my mother for the most exciting meal he'd had since the war, and got the heck out of dodge. My father was trying to collect himself from laughter again, and my mother was multitasking between assuaging my piano teacher and my sister's questions about what an "artificial phallus" is.
It is around that time my mother points at me and says "Room. Now." I'm just glad to have a reason to leave the table.
About forty five minutes later my mother comes in to lecture me about boundaries and morals and hygiene. Informs me I'm grounded from now through all of winter break. She hands me back my toy, and says I'm not in trouble for owning it, I'm in trouble for "bringing it to dinner."
She gets up to leave, but as she does, she turns to me and says one last thing. "Son, I know at this age you'll experiment with your sexuality, but hear me when I say, you won't do it in the kitchen."
TL;DR I put my dildo in the dishwasher and my mother mistook it for a serving utensil. She then used it to dispense gravy at a dinner with my little sister, grandparents, and piano teacher. Chaos ensued.
PS: This happened last week but because of the dildo component I couldn't post it until the weekend.
I was tasked with installing some networking gear at a customers holiday home. It was a big beautiful house by the sea, and it was completely empty for the winter.
I completed the work, but since I was not in any great rush to get back to the office, but I was in unprecedented need of taking a dump, I decided I'd use the rather magnificent bathroom with panoramic views of the sea. Pure luxury.
It was wonderful. I'd needed that very badly. I lost about 10lb. It was one of those monsters that curls around the u-bend but still manages to poke above the waterline. I felt fresher, fitter, younger, and stronger for having let that one go. So I cleaned up, and hit the flush...
Nothing. No flush. A quick check of the taps revealed that all the water in the house was switched off.
I looked around desperately trying to find any water I could chuck down the pan to shift the log. There was nothing, the cupboards were bare. I looked around for the stopcock to let water back into the system... Nothing anywhere.
I found a liter of sparkling water in my car. It was never going to work, but I poured it into a mop-bucket to get maximum flushing potential. It failed.
I briefly thought about using the brush to push it around the bend. But that would do nothing about the discoloration of the water and dissolved toilet paper.
So I did the only thing I could do. I left. With a little luck in a few months time when they return nobody will notice, or it will have dissolved, or the turd-fairy will have taken it away...
But please God, gods, Odin, Zeus... Don't let it become sentient and attack the owner on their return. Don't let it eat through the porcelain. Don't let there ever be a time when I have to answer any questions about the turd.
Update: Today I remotely introduced a fault to the gear I'd installed so I had an excuse to go back and pour a couple of buckets of water over the problem. The water isn't 100℅ clear. But the important thing is, they'll never know, and the entire place won't become a biological hazard in a few months time.
Thanks to everyone who called me a fucking asshole. I already knew that, and didn't need you being a dick about it. But a special thanks to those who alerted me to how huge and awful a problem this could become if I didn't get it sorted. You saved some poor rich person a traumatic ordeal.
Tldr, took a shit in a customers holiday home, but was unable to flush because there was no water.
This was a few years ago. My SO at the time was coming home from being stationed out of state. I decided to bake him cookies. What a novel idea. It's the weekend, I have a few hours before I need to get ready so I'm chilling in a baggy hoodie and sweats. I start throwing ingredients into a plastic bowl. Grab the mixer, turn it on....cookie things. This particular bowl was rather lightweight and flimsy but it was doing the job. I can do this, no big deal. What I failed to consider was the tipsy nature of this particular bowl. I have one hand on the mixer moving it around the batter. One hand on the bowl holding it steady or so I thought. The mixer hits the bowl at a precisely excellent angle proceeding to fling the bowl in my general direction with the mixer still going and heading right towards my chest. The mixer proceeds to grab the hoodie and boob and twists until it finally has so much fabric and boob it jams. I am at this point lying on the floor crying and laughing at the stupidity of what just happened. I just gave myself a fucking tittie twister with an electronic hand mixer...wtf
Hey Reddit, this happened last week and I can now finally talk about it since it's the weekend. I was at work, feeling the urge to drop a deuce, so I made my way to the single bathroom in the basement. It was my (and a lot of other people's) preferred place to crap at work.
I entered and found that the toilet's previous user had left some presents for the "pube fairy" on the rim. I grabbed a generous amount of toilet paper and twirled it wildly with my left hand to create a suitable TP glove to clean the mess.
Now, I've recently lost 75 pounds and haven't re-sized my wedding ring yet, and upon the 3rd or 4th twirling flourish, my ring flew off my finger. I heard it hit the wall, then clink off the porcelain of the toilet and plop right into the disgusting water.
I yelled the most creative swear word I could think of as I looked at my white gold ring, gleaming in the florescent light, sitting at the bottom of the poo well.
Knowing I had no other choice (phoning the maintenance guy to bring rubber gloves didn't occur to me until later,) I fished it as quickly as I could ... but instead, my fumbling was closer to a raccoon washing his food in the stream. I must have dropped it at least 3 times.
Finally I had it out and then washed my hands with the crappy work soap and scalding hot water for the next ten minutes.
TL;DR - Lost a lot weight and my wedding ring flew off my hand and into the designated shitting toilet at work.
In true (or maybe less true) TIFU fashion, this actually happened last night.
I am an American studying in a foreign country, and last night I went out on the town with my friends. We went out with the intention of smoking hookah, eating, and just generally having a good tIme.
Notice how nowhere in the above-mentioned paragraph is written "consuming large quantities of alcohol".
Yet, as is often the case with best laid plans, it went awry when we passed a restaurant that advertised camel burgers. While we were perusing the posted menu outside the restaurant, the owner came out and ushered us in to try a drink. Our understanding of the local language was decent enough, and we were soon escorted to an upper floor.
The hookah and drinks began flowing freely, and we all enjoyed a great night out (Camel tastes just like beef, by the way). At one point, my buddy goes up to the bar to order a round of shots for us, and that's when the night took a turn.
I've never been a heavy or social drinker before, and when I heard my buddy tell the bartender "4 shots of absinthe" in the local language, I didn't think much of it. But the look on my other friend's face told me all I needed to know. We took the absinthe, and I could start feeling the effects immediately. It was definitely very much "next level drunk", and by the time we made it back to our hotel, my vision was blurring and everything was spinning, and it was all I could do to just take off my clothes and pass out.
Fast forward to the next morning, early. I woke up with a still spinning room and the sickening taste of absinthe in my mouth. After inspecting my room and ensuring I had all the belongings I left with, I decided to take a much needed shower. Here begins the fuck up.
The shower felt great. Really great. The water was hot and the pressure was right and in the midst of my hangover haze I was really enjoying it. I should mention before I go any further that I keep my toothbrush on the little tub shelf by my legs. Also, the light was off and it was still relatively dark in the bathroom. Anyways, as I said, the shower was making me feel good, and I started to pop a boner.
Without thinking, I started to jerk off in the shower and when it came time to cum, I angled my dick downward and shot my wad. I wasn't even thinking about where it went because of the hangover. It felt great and I continued showering. After a little bit, I realized I could still taste the absinthe and liquor in my mouth and decided to brush my teeth. I reached for the toothbrush and even though I couldn't find the toothpaste, I still figured I would at least use the brush to scrub the taste out.
But wait. Oh just wait. Wait just one minute. It would appear, that in my haste to spew my goo, I failed to realize the most basic rule of knowing your target and what lies beyond it. I had done it. I had committed an inconceivable act. I had actually ejaculated part of my seed onto the bristles of my toothbrush without realizing it in the dimly lit bathroom.
When I went to put the toothbrush in my mouth, I could feel it immediately. I distinctly remember thinking for just one split-second "how is there toothpaste still on my toothbrush?" That thought was immediately followed with "huh, this toothpaste doesn't taste normal", which was immediately followed with an overwhelming and sobering feeling of dread and foreboding. In all the time it took to go from thought #1 to thought #3, I had only brushed across my front teeth twice, but that was more than enough. I had done it.
I didn't even want to drink last night, and yet I did. I didn't even want to try absinthe, and yet I did. And I've never, ever wanted to taste my own cum before, and yet I did. Goddamn it.
TL;DR I got fucked up last night and tried absinthe for the first time, then took a shower the next morning, accidentally jacked off onto my toothbrush without realizing it in my drunken haze, and inadvertently tried my own cum for the first time.
So, my girl friend has a roommate who has been crashing on her couch for the last six months. He is usually home when we are, so couch sex is usually out of the question. We were on our way to bed, me walking behind her, when I was taken by desire. I spun her around, and pressed her against the wall. Things were getting hot and heavy FAST, when we realized...we have nowhere to commit the deed. Her 4 year-old daughter was fast asleep in my girlfriend's bed, her daughter's bed is far too small(girlfriend is almost 6 foot, I'm right at 5'9", bed is maybe 5'5" in length), and her house has old hardwood floors(don't need splinters). So...couch it is.
We undress and start the show. And I say show, because her roommate's dog is in it's crate directly next to the couch. We didn't realized this until the action had already started, and caught him whimpering and staring at us while we fucked. Half ass attempts to throw jackets/sweaters over the cage from couch were made, but ultimately failed, and they fell around perimeter of the cage. Everything was feeling amazing, and I was begining to get close, so I slowed down to make sure she got off first and prolong the fun.
Upon slowing down, I realized my knee had slid behind the butt cushions, and in between the couch, where the frame of the couch was vigorously rubbing my knee raw. She was now getting close, and I figured I didn't want to mess up the rhythm(and the annoying chafing would help me hold off), so I was going to let her get off first before I changed positions.
The big moment is building, she pulls me in close to kiss her. Upon raising my head and looking down at my beautiful girlfriend, I see her look over towards the cage. She then brings her eyes back to me, a look of utter disgust on her face.
"oh my God...he just shit!"
I glanced over towards the cage, and see the dog, asshole pressed against the cage, shitting a frosting consistency shit out of the cage and onto the previously mentioned sweaters and jackets. I let out a frustrated, "God dammit", but continued pumping...hoping to save the moment. It was about that time I then witnessed the beast eating his own fecal matter through the holes of the cage. Moment dead.
We called it quits, and began putting our clothes back on in mutual disappointment and disgust. About the time the pants came back on, the smell had become so vile, that we were both gagging(i work in a mental hospital, I've seen some appalling things, and consider myself to have a pretty strong stomach).
We sat outside, silently smoking cigarettes in the cold, dreading going back into the gas chamber that is her living room. The whole time we were worries about her roommate coming home...little did we know, it be brought to a screeching halt by something far worse.
EDIT: Sorry about the paragraph spacing. Fixed it.
EDIT #2: Just so it's clear, the dog whines NONSTOP. Regardless of his bladder capacity. Pre this story, we had just spent a solid 20 minutes outside trying to get him to pee and poop. The dog did nothing but hardly pee. We then came inside, put him in the cage, and this lovely story unfolded. This dog is not always in a cage, just when his owner isn't home...BECAUSE HE SHITS ON THE FLOORS if free to roam without his owner's supervision.
Tl;dr-No where to have sex, but the will is strong. Couch sex sucks, dog shit itself, then ate it, and ruined everything.
Fuck-up was a few days ago.
I'm currently working on a short film with a group of comics and my home has become the go-to point for meeting and storing all the props and equipment. Being the absurd film it is, my dining room is full of all your normal set props—seven gallons of pinto beans, a handsaw, maple syrup, extension cords, and one silicone, flesh-colored, veiny, suction-cupped dildo.
Jump to a few nights ago, my brother comes by and I, naturally, start to show off our favorite member of the crew. I'm sticking it to the walls, shaking it around at him, throwing it around to see if it will stick. He is more than a little grossed out and uncomfortable (it's an uncanny valley thing more than an "ew dicks" thing) and my girlfriend is on the couch laughing and shaking her head at us.
At one point my brother kicks the thing flopping across the room so that I'll leave it alone. We go about our night until it's finally time for him to go home.
And here's where the fuck-up happens.
As he's he's grabbing his things, I make a break for the dildo. He sees me and makes a run for the door. Across the room from him, I grab the veiny monster tip-first and, mid-turn, hurl the chubby wonder at him like a throbbing, fleshy tomahawk. I see he's only just reached the door. I've made it in time. I've won.
And then my heart sinks.
Even the marksman I am, I didn't account for the balls. Bottom heavy as it is, the dildo sinks, still spinning, and is no longer on its path to my brother, but has set a new course, its trajectory clearly aiming square at my girlfriend's face.
And then it hits her like a bad pun.
I'll never forget the sickening thud of silicone against skull as the dick hit her right between the eyes, sending her glasses across the room.
I'd have done anything to stop it, to take it back. Her glare cut through my and my stomach jumped into my throat. But in that moment . . . I couldn't stop laughing. Doubled-over, misty-eyed gasping laughter.
My brother ran out the door and down the steps before she had a chance for retribution, stranding me here to suffer it alone.
She's not too mad anymore. It just gave her a big headache and I apologized profusely once I could. It has spawned a new household rule though: no throwing dicks in the house.
TL;DR: I aimed my dick at my brother but accidentally popped my girlfriend in the face.
This happened when I was in grade 7, so almost 17 years ago now.
I drew a picture of an astronaut getting dismembered when I was in grade 7, his arms and legs were floating in space with blood everywhere. I gave it to my friend cause I thought it was detailed pretty good. He liked it so he wrote a story to go with it, passed it back over to me. I figured I would add to his description and pass it back. Well, the fun fizzled out pretty quickly and the note got discarded.
A couple weeks later I get back to my desk and see a note sitting there with the words "I'm gonna rip off your head and shit down your throat" (hello Duke Nukem) and look over at my friend who's smiling. So I write him a note in return that is more explicit, and so on. Now, this game really had no limit so we kept going pretty much daily for months. Eventually, another one of our friends wanted to get involved and joined in.
Now at this point our desks are just crammed with these notes and because they're jokes we don't really think anything of it. Well, one day a note was dropped or something and our teacher found it. She read it outloud to the class and was pretty serious in knowing who it was. We didn't say shit though cause we didn't want her to ruin our creative writing club.
Well, the police got involved and did some major investigation, went through everyones desk and it all got blown out proportion. We were all separated and not just from class but 2 of us had to change schools in order to avoid being expelled. One guy lived down the road so he got to stay, the other switched to the Catholic school across the road and my Dad sold our house and moved us to a neighbouring neighbourhood. Needless to say it fucking sucked and our friendship fell apart.
Haven't really seen those guys since but if I do I'll tear their legs off, blend them up and forcefeed them back to them.
So, this happened roughly 4 weeks ago, on a wonderful Wednesday night.
It was after the semester ended, so a good friend of mine decided to hold a small sleepover party. He lives in a pretty dope house; his basement itself is probably the size of my one floor flat of two bedrooms. We weren't that many people, but enough to comfortable chill in the basement.
We decided to order some pizza for dinner, and got a bunch of large size pizza boxes, along with some drinks and a few dipping sauces (not gonna lie, BBQ dipping sauce is so damn good). We all decided to watch a movie while enjoying our pizza. My friend wanted to watch the movie Annabelle. This horror movie came out a few years ago, and it's about this cursed doll that does some weird crap in the house with a lot of spookyness and whatnot.
So he puts up the movie, and we all start watching while munching on our pizzas. Now, to be honest, I wasn't thoroughly impressed with the movie. Maybe it's just me, but I was honestly expecting the movie to have a lot more gore and some other weird shit going on. There were a few parts that made me brace myself with the build-up of tension, but the way they released it was pretty disappointing. I still enjoyed watching the movie though, probably because I saw it with all my friends. But otherwise, wasn't all that impressed.
My friend? This guy was straight up tripping and freaking out and shit. I guess he just can't take horror movies that well. This guy probably needs to watch The Exorcist, but then again he'd probably piss his pants just by watching that.
Now, my friend has two younger sisters, one of them being an 8 year old girl. She has this doll, which was in the basement. We kept passing the doll around, joking that it was Annabelle. My friend would curl up whenever some spooky shit was going on in the movie, and as that happened, we would throw the ball at him, scaring him. By the end of the movie, we kept calling this doll "Annabelle".
This doll didn't look nothing like the doll from the movie. It was a decently big doll actually, around 2 feet. It had blonde hair, and wore a green dress. It also had a bit of heft to it as well. Throwing it at someone, it wouldn't be like hitting them with a brick or anything, but it did have a bit of impact.
Fast forward to a few hours later, and we all decide to go to bed. Some slept on the floor with some bedsheets, while I slept on the rather comfy couch. My friend went to his room (in the basement) and slept in his bed.
Not even 10 minutes in, I get this horrible idea. The doll, or Annabelle as I should refer it to, was on the floor beside me, its shiny eyes reflecting the small bit of light coming from the window. I thought, "hmm, what if I put the doll in his bed in the middle of the night, how would he react?". I ask my buddy who's on the other couch what he thinks about this, and he's just like "lol bro you gonna scare the fuck outta him, but yolo I'm down". A few others who overheard also agree to this vile plan.
What a genius, I thought to myself.
I decide to wait a good 30 minutes, until I can confirm that my friend in his room is fast asleep. In the middle of the 2 AM night, I tiptoe to his room, Annabelle in hand, and slowly open the door. My friend is sleeping like a log on his bed. Perfect I said to my self, and slowly walk up to his bed. With the dexterity of a surgeon, I tuck Annabelle into the covers, right beside my friend. Success! I carefully leave his room, close the door, and tiptoe back to my couch, where I laid down and fell asleep. It was a busy day, so I thought I could get some decent rest.
Or so I thought.
It was probably around 5 AM, where I woke up to the scream of a fucking high pitched banshee:
AHHHHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK
Followed by the sound of a loud thud, and then the sound of glass shattering. Most of us woke up, and ran over to his room. My friend was shaking, hyperventilating, his face that of a puppy scared of the clap of thunder, and in sweat. I think the sound of this guy's shrill scream woke me up fully, since I started laughing my ass off, until I realized the doll was missing...
You know how I said that the doll had some heft to it, not enough that it would hit like a brick, but still have some impact?
Yeah, it had enough heft that when my friend hurled it across the room with the strength of a baseball pitched, it smashed into the mirror, shattering it into a million pieces. Annabelle was just lying beside the pile of shards, just chilling there, no damage to it whatsoever.
So um, yeah. Rainer, if you're reading this, I'm sorry dudebut seriously grow some fucking balls and stop getting scared of shitty horror movies like this.
TL;DR: tucked my sleeping friend to bed with a toddler-sized doll, guy clearly didn't appreciate it and spiraled it into his mirror.
TIFU. This happened an hour ago. I am a high school teacher, and I had an ice breaker discussion planned for one of my classes that pulls in new students each quarter. One of the questions was, "What is the weirdest food you have ever eaten?" Pretty standard stuff.
After students gave their weirdest answers, including dry dog food, I decided to discuss Beondegi, seasoned silkworm pupa, which is the weirdest thing I have ever eaten at school (I used to teach in Korea). I decided to do a quick Google image search to show students what it looked like. Not sure how to spell beondegi in English, I assumed that if I got close enough, Google would know what I meant and show pictures of the tasty little bugs common in Korean cuisine. I typed "Korean bondageu." It never occurred to me that Google would autocorrect to "Korean bondage," which is what showed up on the projection screen I was casting to a group of sophomore boys. Vaginas, boobs, ropes, and ball gags in full glory.
Needless to say, the rest of class was a little awkward.
This happened last week.
Alright, so I've had issues with being a bit too fast in bed at times in my life. I guess this is a nice way of saying I'm a premature ejaculator. More often than not, after 5-10 pumps I'm ready to go off, and while I've never had a partner call me out on it, I've disappointed my fair share of ladies. And by that I mean my wife and the other two women I've slept with. Paradoxically when I don't finish after 5-10 pumps, it could take me up to 20 minutes, which just causes soreness and discomfort for her.
Anywho, I've done exercises, tried meditation, tried jerking off a few times before anticipated sex, and the like. In earlier years the thing that worked best was spending my load twice or three times before having sex, but as I've gotten older I've learned that it just kills my motivation for sex at this point, leaving my wife waiting and going to bed with nothing.
So, for the past six months or so, I've come up with a new strategy. If I think of something that does nothing to turn me on, kind of like how I did when I got a spontaneous boner in junior high, I could delay ejaculation by a fair bit. It has actually worked surprisingly well. While it makes sex less enjoyable for me, I can go for 8-10 minutes most of the time, leaving my wife tired and satisfied.
Most of the time I think about garbage trucks. Sometimes I try to recite the alphabet backwards. One time I thought of Pi. Last week, though, I thought of sweet old Grandma.
You see, I love Grandma, but not in that way. With this strategy, I kind of have to use what works and what comes to mind, and on that day it just happened to be Grandma.
So we're going at it for about four or five minutes, both getting into it, and I'm thinking of the time Grandma bought me a game I had already jumped the gun and bought myself, and I had to return it and she was really disappointed. My wife is moaning at that point and I go to say her name (which she loves), but instead say "Grandma." Or, more accurately I say
Unfff... Grandma
She immediately pulls her head back and gives me the most bewildered feral look I've ever seen. My wife doesn't understand much English, but she does know what the word grandma means. I pull out and sit cross legged in front of her trying to think of my next move in dead silence.
The next forty minutes were spent explaining to her what I was doing. I had to answer the question "So when we're having sex, you're thinking of your grandmother?" several times. Eventually in a Full House touching moment sort of way, my wife told me to ejaculate whenever I wanted to because she loves it when I enjoy sex with her. We hugged and then took showers separately. Now I'm back to having sex the way God meant: a minute or two of pumping and an apology after.
tl;dr: tried to think of something unsexy to delay ejaculation, thought of my grandmother, said Grandma, had to save marriage
Actually yesterday, but whatever.
So I was at a sushi place with my girlfriend and we'd finished eating our lunch. (Side note: if your local sushi place has the Los Diablos roll, you should get it. Avocado, cream cheese, smoked salmon, fresh jalapeño, and bacon. Not very authentic, but super delicious). ANYWAYS. They had brought our food on four plates, each with its own pile of wasabi. We had eaten some of two servings of wasabi, leaving the other two untouched. I pointed at one (maybe the size of a large marble) and said I'd eat it for $10. I'd done this before, so I knew I could swallow it completely before it burned my sinuses out. Well, she said I had to eat all four things together. I told her I wouldn't do it for less than $30. She agreed. So I combined all four piles of wasabi into this mega-pile. Slightly larger than a golf ball. I was a little worried about the burn, but I figured I could take it. How naive I was. That was the least of my problems.
I bolted the wasabi, swallowed it whole, chased it with water, and almost immediately regretted it. I was so proud of myself because it didn't burn at all. Right away. But after about 15 seconds, it felt like I'd swallowed a firework and it had gone off in my stomach. I ran to the bathroom, thinking I was gonna puke, but all that happened was it liquified my insides and I painted the inside of the toilet. But that didn't stop the pain.
I drove home and chugged some pepto bismol, but it still burned. I spent the next three hours trying to get comfortable to sleep it off, but every time I moved, my stomach started churning. It took about four hours for the pain to subside and then I was queasy the rest of the day.
And today all my poop is black and smells like a Japanese restaurant.
Not worth $30.
tl;dr: Beware of betting to flirt. 'Cos too much wasabi will hurt. Your insides will erode, Your butthole explode, And you'll spend your whole night with the squirts.
So this TIFU happened about extending from last night till this morning. About a month or 2 ago I was diagnosed with kidney stones, I had to get one removed and I had to pass another and both were the worst experiences of my life. My doctor told me I will probably always have them, but I needed to cut out sodas to keep them from getting larger and so I could pass them easier.
Fast forward to last night, I was at a friends and after having a night out I was extremely thirsty. I have been drinking nothing but water (and some alcohol sometimes) for months and he had Cokes in the fridge, I thought why not, and had two,something I would come to regret. Later I felt a little pain in my abdomen similar to my kidney stone pain but decided to brush it off and I eventually went home and fell asleep.
Now I wake up this morning feeling mostly fine, pretty groggy but nothing out of the ordinary. I take my morning piss and I feel a little clogged up but that's been happening some morning because of my past stones I passed. Some time goes by and I start getting in the mood a little bit and decide to pleasure myself. It was going fine, maybe not great, but I start reaching my climax when everything went south. I get the sharpest shooting pain down my urethra, feels like somebody stuck a rock down in it. Completely ruins the feeling of the climax and has me about to scream in pain. Then I finally reach the end of my climax from hell to look down and see my substance is slightly pink, then upon closer inspection I see that I had passed a kidney stone (small one) during my ejaculation. I'm never drinking soda again.
Tl;DR: I drank sodas with kidney stones when I wasn't supposed to and passed one while masturbating.
So naturally this happened months ago and not today, but here it goes:
I was working for a company whose main product was wedding rings for active people. I had recently been promoted to a position where my job was to use an engraving machine to engrave various messages on the insides of the rings for customers who paid extra for the service. Mostly people wanted their spouse's birthday, their pet names, or personal things like that. I'll also add that we never put any restrictions on the website for this service, so people could put whatever they wanted on the inside of their rings, as long as it was 12 characters or less. So over the next few months we'd get some weird ones here and there, and eventually we started writing down the "top" ones and took polls to see which ones we thought were the funniest (when you work in a warehouse you get bored easily). Anyway, one of the ones that made it into the final rounds was an engraving that read "Bitch 8===D". This was my supervisor's personal favorite, since the fact that someone would willingly wear that on the inside of their wedding ring is hilarious. Anyway, so this carries on for about 2 months as we're all slowly degrading from the repetition of engraving anniversary dates on rings when all of a sudden, the company decides to release new kinds of rings with a different material and stuff, so naturally they need to check and see how these new rings look once engraved.
Here's where the FU happens.
My supervisor walks up to me during a really busy day, where we're just cranking through orders. So she says she needs me to print anything onto these two new rings to check and see how they look. That was all i got, so i could put a date, a name, whatever. So, i thought that they were just for her to look at, and naturally, i decided to put her favorite engraving onto one of these rings, along with another engraving we had recently gotten: hijo de puta (son of a bitch in spanish). I entered it into the system, got them engraved, passed them onto her and forgot about it amidst the flurry of a monday morning. My supervisor not only doesn't see what's on these rings, but also ships them off to our corporate headquarters, which were at the time in a separate location. Those rings just happened to be on display for the entire board meeting, so all of the managers, supervisors, and even the founders of the company were there, and what is the focal point of the meeting? To see how the new rings look engraved. So, the rings i engraved get passed around the room until somebody speaks up and says there's a dick on one and "son of a bitch" on the other. I'm told the CEO threw an absolute fit and was super pissed for the rest of the day. Basically some 19-year-old kid just shat all over his newest product, so i don't really blame him. Anyway, word got back to us that day (this was thursday of that week), i took responsibility, and the next day i was fired by a manager who came to our location.
Moral of the story? Don't permanently engrave dicks onto products for your job kids.
TL;DR engraved rings for a living, engraved a ring with a dick on it, everyone saw it, and i got fired.
EDIT: Wow! Thanks so much for the gold u/Shattered_Fates!
So I was doodlin my noodle the other night, as one does. Mid flute solo, I realized I was going to finish way before the very sophisticated video I found was going to end, and I wanted to really appreciate it for its artistry. So I had the idea of pouring cold water on my heat seeking moisture missile to cool it down for a few minutes and maybe get some more reps in.
For those who dont know, brain freeze happens when the veins in the roof of your mouth constrict very quickly when you eat something cold.
Now, the water wasnt ice cold. It was just cold water from the tap. But to my hot pocket, it felt like the arctic. I tried going back to honing the bone but it was too late. The damage was done. My one eyed weasel felt like it has been slurping gallons of ice cream. I could barely move, let alone stroke the stallion. After a couple minutes the feeling mostly subsided and i finished my pump thumping.
Never again.
I'd been having some gut issues over Christmas and was finding myself with an awful combination of indigestion and constipation, the result of which had been putrid shits accompanied with rotten gas. Anyway, having spent Christmas with the in-laws I'd managed to escape using their awfully placed bathroom over Christmas and held it until we got home on boxing day. I guess I should tell you about the awfully placed bathroom. Anyone reading this who has been to meet a partner's parents will know how big a deal the first and any bathroom visits are. This bathroom is located on the ground floor of a bungalow with an attic renovation. It's situated right across from the living room with a frosted glass door. If that wasn't bad enough the actual toilet sits against a wall with a frosted window above it and has the galley style kitchen extension on the other side. You can pretty much hear everything from both the living room and the kitchen when you're in there which means they can hear you. Anyway, I've been going to the house for 10 years and only use the bathroom for poops if I am desperate.
So as my Mother is away for the New Year and we would usually spend New Years Day with her. We get an invite for dinner to my SO's folks instead. I say I don't want to go and that I'd rather just make something at home and relax but she wants to go and see her folks and do a little wedding planning while we are there. (Side note: we are getting married this year) We go for the meal and have honey glazed ham, roast potatoes, carrots and peas with a splash of gravy and lemon cheesecake for dessert. I get to drinking whisky with my soon to be father in law and listen to the new Rolling Stones album with him, a Christmas gift on vinyl from the SO and I. As we have both had too much to drink and can't drive home we decide to spend the night rather than get a taxi home. My stomach had been OK all day and I was relieved and thought the issue had finally passed. We went upstairs and climbed into bed and I fell asleep with no issues at all. I awoke sometime later to a vengeful stomach making sounds straight from Hell. It was gurgling, cramping, sloshing and most of all I was farting and they were unholy. My girlfriend who'd drunk entirely too much Champagne was comatose next to me and had no knowledge of my current discomfort. I slipped out of bed and crept down the creaky stairs and through the kitchen to the horribly placed bathroom. Even though nobody was up I was still considering holding it, but my stomach had other ideas. I sat down and immediately it started, I imagined it was like tar due to the heat down there, I sit for what feels like an hour with shit just pouring out of me. I decided to make a tactical flush but know I was in no way finished. I go again and it's the same, piping hot turd flowing from my anus like molten rock. I sat for a while after I've finished and I felt quite emotional I was shaking and sweating and I'll admit it. I shed a tear. Once the dust had settled and I gathered myself I wiped and flushed and the moment I stood up the ungodly stench hit me. The only comparison I can make is that it smelt like a slaughterhouse on the hottest day of the year. I actually wretched while I washed my hands. But here was the moment. Do I shut in this creature from my bowels or leave the door open and allow it to distribute around the house. I left the door open thinking the thick smell would thin out and disperse through the night. I climbed back into bed and fell asleep next to my drunken and snoozing wife to be.
Part 2: Fallout
I awake in the morning feeling ravenous and my stomach was making much healthier sounds and simply wanted feeding. My fiancee was already up so I got dressed and went downstairs. I opened the door and was taken back by a wave of stink, my stink. The back door was wide open ushering in the cold fresh air and it still reeked. My SO stood in the kitchen and simply said "We think the drains have backed up". I walked to the bathroom and the smell had engulfed the whole house. My soon to be father in law was stood next to the toilet surveying the damage. I asked if I could help in anyway, he said no and that a plumber was on the way. I went back to the kitchen and asked if my SO was ready to go as we would just be in the way. She said no and that she wanted to stay and help her Mum and sister. They were just stood there, there was nothing they could do but open windows. Some 10 minutes later the plumber arrived and surveyed the area and determined there was no sewage back up and everything was fine. Then he dropped the A bomb " Did anyone go to the toilet last night?". I shook my head but my SO's little sister said she had. The plumber laughed and said "Well this is on you then" he finished his cup of tea, handed over his bill (double the price due to the bank holiday) and left. My soon to be sister in law was mortified and actually started to cry because of the embarrassment of it all. I stood in the corner nursing a coffee and kept my mouth shut. On the drive home my fiancee said she had woken up in the night and I wasn't there. I said I got up for a whiz at one point so that could have been it.
She knows it was me but like me she is happy for her sister to take the fall. I doubt we'll ever discuss this again.
TL;DR Took a crap at my in laws that smelt like sewage and caused them to call an emergency plumber and let my soon to be sister in law take the fall.
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
Happened roughly 10 years ago, near this time of year.
I was in high school, and my parents utilized a wood burning stove to heat the house during the winter months, to reduce the electric bill. My daily routine included taking a morning shower, and quickly grabbing my clothes and towel and moving into the room where the wood burning stove was located to get some very pleasant heat while drying off and dressing for the day. One morning however, that heat got a little too hot to handle. After a night spent gaming, I awoke via my alarm with probably less than 2 hours of sleep. Groggy and pissed off, I willed myself out of the bed and into the bathroom to keep with my daily routine. Everything was business as usual, with a heavy bit of fatigue thrown in. I finished my shower, grabbed my towel and clothes, and scurried into the room with the wood burning stove. While drying off, I was yawning very frequently, and stretching as one does while being extremely tired. However, this time, I was a bit too close for comfort to the stove, so to speak. Mid stretch, I felt one of the most agonizing pains I'd felt in my existence. Within milliseconds, I had already realized the disastrous error that just took place. I threw myself into the floor, screaming and crying in pain. Moments later, my mother rushed to my aid, and by some sort of motherly instinct, and well, probably my hysterical reaction, realized fairly quickly what I had done. She quickly helped me to my feet and back into my bedroom. She brought me an ice pack and asked if it had broke the skin, or left a blister. To my amazement, it hadn't, but it was extremely sensitive to touch, and especially cloth. She realized that there was no going to school for me that day, and asked if she should let the school know. Thinking that I had a test that day, I told her that would be a wise idea. "Yes I am, -----, -----'s mom, he's not going to make it to school today." "Is everything okay?" The principle, (who was known for directly answering calls that came into the school, due to it being a considerably smaller school compared to other schools in the area) asked. "Well, he was getting warm by the wood burning stove while he was getting dressed and ready, and accidently got a little to close, and touched his privates to it." "MY GOD", I heard through the handset," "He's got all the time he needs!" My principal, a male, had a empathetic side after all. A couple of days passed with limited movement and a whole lot of questions from my friends, and I was able to return to school, unscarred, physically, and with quite the lesson learned. It doesn't feel nice when you touch hot metal with skin.
Tl;dr Didn't get enough sleep, touched my genitals to a hot wood burning stove.
So me and the wife were enjoying some early morning fun. When energy levels got a bit low, we pulled out the toy, to you know... help her arrive.
Anyway seems it hasnt been used for a while and the battery was dead. Being the man i opened it up... well seems this make of battery was thicker than others and wouldnt easily come out. So i whacked it on the side and it came out a little. Thinking, its clean and i can hook it with my teeth... nom, ive done it before...
Nope! I guess my teeth arnt as strong or i caught it wrong? Ive chipped a tooth. Its a front one too. Luckily isnt all that noticeable unless you know its there.
Only killed the mood for a short time you will be glad to hear! Plus the duracel we put in just falls out easy... wtf
TLDR: tried to pull a stuck battery out of a vibrator with my teeth and chipped a tooth. Dont use cheap batteries ;)
Ps. Tagging as nsfw just to be safe.
This was not today, more like 10 years ago.
Was an extremely horny teenager and I was hanging out with my girlfriend at a local mall. Neither one of us had a car at the time and it didn't take long to get bored of the mall.
As we are walking around the parking lot both of us just really wanted to have sex. It was still day time so there wasn't really anywhere that would make this easy. So we keep casing the area and about a hour later we finally decide on the perfect spot for our devious master plan.
A Taco Bell bathroom.
Now in hindsight, I realize this is probably one of the most raunchy decisions of my life and in no way, shape, or form a good plan.
We get there and there is someone already in the bathroom. Okay whatever, it's a single bathroom so not surprising. Then someone else comes up and waits at the door, then a third, and a fourth. At this point, I could feel the awkwardness begin to course through my body. We are just a young teenage couple who keeps telling people to go into the bathroom ahead of us. Eyebrows were definitely raised.
Finally it looks like the coast is clear of full bladders and clenched assholes. We get inside and instantly started regretting our decision. It smells bad, very bad. If you think in your head about how a Taco Bell bathroom would smell, well that's it exactly it. We had a short 10 second conversation about if we should just gtfo or not. At this point she wanted nothing to do with it but man let me tell you, she was a fucking trooper. I ended up convincing her "it wasn't that bad" and she somehow agreed.
Finally, she pulls her pants down and we start going at it. It was going great for about a solid 10 seconds until we could hear obnoxiously loud noises and talking coming from the bathroom. It instantly killed my mood (like the stench of shit didn't do it for me) and I lost my hard on rather quick. She pulled her pants up quicker than I've ever seen before and she kept saying "let's go, let's go right now". I was more than happy to.
So after about a minute I finally build up the courage to walk out of the door and face my fate for whatever lies in front of me. I open the door about two inches just to take a peek and I immediately shut the door and lock it. She hits me on the shoulder and says "wtf, let's get out of here!" I looked at her and said "you don't understand what's out there".
There was about 15 little kids standing there with their parents. All waiting to get in.
She starts freaking the fuck out and begins crying. Like this situation isn't bad enough. Saying things along the lines of "I can't believe you talked me into this!" and "I just want to go home!"
Another minute goes by and I'm beginning to sweat a little bit after one of the parents started knocking on the door and saying "hurry up". So I finally open the door and everything just goes into slow motion. The only thing I can describe it as like a bride walking down the isle, but instead of everyone smiling in awe and appreciation, it was menacing stares and head shakes of disapproval. The kids all go silent and stare in confusion. My girlfriend has her head down the entire time and refuses to look up. At the very end of the long walk of shame, there was one parent who seemed to have a sense of humor and he started laughing under is breath. As we walked past him, all I said was "it's not what it looks like" and he began laughing hysterically.
It was exactly what it looked like.
TL:DR: Was horny, girlfriend and I have sex in a Taco Bell bathroom, didn't finish, had to walk past a group of 15 kids and parents on the way out.
