Programs

Woollo 2011

Meet Chris Olsen, a lad from Woollo, who's out on bail. Chris doesn't want to go back to gaol, so for Chris, reporting every day up at Woollo Police Station is crucial. That is, until one day, his usual cop shop routine gets interrupted by a community of people who need his help.

Chris is then torn between doing the right thing for himself and helping out these people in his community. Can he manage to get up the cop shop and sign on in time, before it's too late? Or will helping out his Community cost him his freedom......Again!

WOMAN: # Picture me rolling, rolling
# All up in your zone
# Tell me, can you see me?
# Riding, sliding
# Cruising through the street
# Right, tell me, can you see me
# Rolling, rolling
# All up in your zone
# Tell me, can you see me?
# Riding, sliding
# Cruising through the street
# Right, tell me, can you see me

MAN: # Ha ha ha, the last laugh and content
# Intellectual developments
# It's God-sent
# Typically, hush up the streets like being a rapper... #

(Slap)

GAILY GIRL: Who's that?

CHRIS OLSEN: Shh, babe. Shh, it's only me.

GAILY GIRL: Oh, shh yourself.

CHRIS OLSEN: Good morning to you, too.

GAILY GIRL: Yeah, good morning.

CHRIS OLSEN: I hate going up there to sign on. But, then again, won't be long before... I'm right. No more reporting and, finally, no more police harassing me for nothing all the time. Shit, what's the time?

(iPhone message tone)

(Quiet snoring)

# HIP-HOP

CHRIS OLSEN: (Yawns) Ow!

GAILY GIRL: Shh. Don't talk to me for a sec. I'm reading something important.

(iPhone message tone)

# HIP-HOP

CHRIS OLSEN: Hey, babe, you want a cuppa?

GAILY GIRL: No, you're right. Stay there, babe. I'll make it. Here, babe. Can you do me a favour?

CHRIS OLSEN: Yeah, what?

GAILY GIRL: When you go around, can you take that vacuum around to Sandra's? I was supposed to take it back yesterday, but I never.

CHRIS OLSEN: Yes, I'll do that for you.

GAILY GIRL: Wait there! How long are you going to be up there?

CHRIS OLSEN: I don't know. Ten minutes or something? I've only got to sign on.

GAILY GIRL: Well, make sure, then, 'cause I gotta go up here and get my methadone. Someone's gotta be here for that FOXTEL man when he gets here and I can't be.

CHRIS OLSEN: Yeah, yeah, I know. I know! It's alright. I'll be back in plenty of time, alright? Kiss.

GAILY GIRL: Here, wait there! Don't forget that vacuum.

# HIP-HOP

(Gate screeches)

NORMA JEANNIE: Who's that? Is that you, Chris Olsen? Where you going in a hurry?

CHRIS OLSEN: Oh, I've got to quickly go up here to sign on, Aunt.

NORMA JEANNIE: Wait there. Have you seen what Sasha On Ice did to my fence?

CHRIS OLSEN: Your fence? No.

NORMA JEANNIE: Yeah, my fence! She smashed it to pieces is what she did! Must've been off her head on that ice stuff. No wonder she got that nickname! And she was screaming out your name, mind you! Chris Olsen this. Chris Olsen that. Like a bloody broken record! I got sick to death of hearing it! What's wrong with that girl? I mean, I know what's wrong with her, but I can't help her. I'm flat out trying to help myself, let alone anyone else. I've got houso and all coming around today to do an inspection on the house.

(Neighbours mutter)

NORMA JEANNIE: So I can't be getting charged with this fence damage by houso. 'Where money?' I got no money! I'm barely able to pay for this here, let alone a fence I didn't damage. And your Uncle Roy? Ha! He promised he'd come around this morning to fix it before houso turned up. But where? I'm still waiting. I haven't seen him, Chris. Have you?

CHRIS OLSEN: No, I haven't seen him either, Aunt. But if I do, I'll tell him, OK? But right now, I got to get going, eh?

NORMA JEANNIE: Hey. Don't go cutting me off. I'm still talking here. Where's your respect for your aunty, eh?

CHRIS OLSEN: Sorry, Aunt, but...

NORMA JEANNIE: But nothing! Police station only up the road. You've got plenty of time! But go around and get Uncle Roy for me first, eh, please? I don't know why he's taking so long. Talk about slow!

CHRIS OLSEN: But, Aunt, I can't. I've got...

NORMA JEANNIE: Eh, come on now, my boy. Who's the one who's always accepting your jail calls when you're locked up, eh? Me! Not them coppers up the road. Me! So come on now, good boy.

CHRIS OLSEN: But, Aunt, I can't...

NORMA JEANNIE: But nothing! Wait there. Is that him down there carrying that ALDI's bag? And who's he with?! (Grunts) Who's he helping now? Chris! Go down for Aunty, please, and tell him to hurry up. Come on, Chris! Have some respect for your aunty! Now go down and get Uncle Roy. Go on! Good boy. Hurry up!

DEBBIE HOOKS: (Coughs)

HOOKS: Hey, are you alright, Mum?

DEBBIE HOOKS: Yeah, love. I'm fine. Just take these bags in before the ice-cream melts.

CHRIS OLSEN: Hey, lad.

HOOKS: Hey! How you doin'?

DEBBIE HOOKS: (Sighs)

CHRIS OLSEN: Eh! (Laughs) Hey, you seen Uncle Roy?

HOOKS: No, cuz.

CHRIS OLSEN: What, he's not here?

HOOKS: Nah. Me and Mum just got here ourselves.

CHRIS OLSEN: Must be around Eve's place.

(Mobile rings)

HOOKS: Hello?

CHRIS OLSEN: Alright, bro. Alright, sweet.

DEBBIE HOOKS: (Coughs)

CHRIS OLSEN: Right there, Aunt?

DEBBIE HOOKS: (Sighs) Yeah, yeah, Chris. I'll be right, love. But can you take these bags in for me, love? Just so I can catch my breath here?

CHRIS OLSEN: Yeah, no worries.

HOOKS: Hey, the door, the door! Aah!

DEBBIE HOOKS: It'll be right, love. Just go next door and ask the neighbour for the keys.

HOOKS: Oh, she's gone, Mum! Where's the back door key?

DEBBIE HOOKS: On the kitchen table with my other keys! You know, where you would've left it.

CHRIS OLSEN: (Sighs)

DEBBIE HOOKS: Go on, then.

HOOKS: I can't, Mum! My back!

(Mobile rings)

DEBBIE HOOKS: Chris, love. Would you climb in and open that door for us, please?

CHRIS OLSEN: Alright.

NORMA JEANNIE: (Groans) True?

CONSTABLE FERN: Everything alright here, Mrs Hooks?

DEBBIE HOOKS: Yeah, yeah. He ain't breaking in or nothing. Just got locked out. That's all.

SERGEANT GROWLY: What, and you've got young, can't-be-trusted Chris Olsen going in for you? Hmm. You'd be lucky to have a purse left by the time he's finished in there.

DEBBIE HOOKS: Don't you lot got anything better to do than come round here harassing us locals?

SERGEANT GROWLY: Well, don't say I didn't warn you.

(Radio chatter)

CONSTABLE FERN: Yeah, don't say.

(Radio chatter)

DEBBIE HOOKS: Aw, thanks, love. You're an angel. Now, get out of my way. I've got to go to the loo.

HOOKS: Oh, Mum!

DEBBIE HOOKS: Oh, knock off now! Chris knows what I'm like, don't you, love? And you? You get them bags and bring 'em inside. That ice-cream's melting out there.

CHRIS OLSEN: I gotta go.

HOOKS: Alright, cuz.

CHRIS OLSEN: Take it easy, eh?

HOOKS: Catch you later.

CHRIS OLSEN: See you.

NORMA JEANNIE: Hey, where's Uncle Roy?

CHRIS OLSEN: He's not down there.

NORMA JEANNIE: Well, go around to his place, 'cause that's where he'll be!

CHRIS OLSEN: But... (Groans)

CHRIS OLSEN: Unc!

OLD ROY: Ah, you scared the goodness out of me! What are you doing here?

CHRIS OLSEN: Aunty Norma Jeanie sent me round to hurry you up. She's waiting on you.

OLD ROY: She's impatient, that woman.

CHRIS OLSEN: Look, I gotta go, alright?

OLD ROY: Hang on, wait a minute! You can help me round here a little bit.

CHRIS OLSEN: I gotta sign on, Unc. I gotta report before 12!

OLD ROY: It's not 12 yet.

CHRIS OLSEN: I know, Uncle. I wanna get it over and done with before...

OLD ROY: Yeah, before 12, I heard you the first time. But this is just a quick job, her fence. It won't take long. I built that treehouse for you, didn't I? When you were just little fellas, you kids. Well, me and your father. And it's still standing today! Well, until old Hooks fell out of it and hurt his back. You don't recover from something like that, I'll tell you.

CHRIS OLSEN: True, but look, Unc, I gotta go, man.

OLD ROY: But nothing. Once your back goes, that's it. He had some talent with his footy, you know. Here. Grab these tools. He could've played for Australia! Just like your father did.

CHRIS OLSEN: Yeah, true, but look, Unc, I gotta...

OLD ROY: But nothing! Your old man would roll in his grave if he'd seen you rushing off like this. Look, top man - your father. If he was here today, he'd help me. A freakin' legend. Had the respect of the whole of the Woollo, he did. Well?

CHRIS OLSEN: (Sighs and grunts)

(Distant siren wails)

OLD ROY: Remind me of your father, you know that?

NEIGHBOUR 1: There's that young lad the garbos was talking about this morning. Look. Are those teeth marks? In that wood part there! Look.

NEIGHBOUR 2: Dunno. Looks like it, but.

NEIGHBOUR 3: She'll be forking out a bit for this. Houso be charging her an arm and a leg for property damage. Gosh, she might even get evicted.

NEIGHBOUR 2: She won't be evicted.

NEIGHBOUR 1: The garbos said they seen that Sasha On Ice, running up and down this road here singing out young Chris Olsen's name, swinging a plank of wood around! Lover's tiff must be.

NEIGHBOUR 2: Chris Olsen? No! He's with Gaily Girl now, not that Sasha On Ice. Nice young lad, that Chris. But mixes it up with the wrong crowd a bit too much, that boy. I tell you what, if his father was alive today, different story, that's for sure.

NEIGHBOUR 3: Yeah, that's for sure.

SERGEANT GROWLY: Hello, Mrs Jeannie, isn't it?

NORMA JEANNIE: Oh, what now? Haven't you fellas got some paperwork to do or something?

SERGEANT GROWLY: Yes, we do. We do. That's why we're here.

CONSTABLE FERN: Yeah. That's why.

SERGEANT GROWLY: It's come to our attention that your fence damage isn't an isolated incident. You wouldn't know anything about that, now, would you?

(Radio chatter)

SERGEANT GROWLY: Hmm.

NORMA JEANNIE: Hmm.

OLD ROY: Chris, eh, you keep walking. I'll catch you up.

CHRIS OLSEN: Alright.

PASTOR PHIL: G'day, Chris. How are you?

CHRIS OLSEN: I'm good, Pastor Phil. How are you?

OLD ROY: Psst!

CHRIS OLSEN: Sorry, Pastor Phil. I gotta go.

PASTOR PHIL: See you Sunday. God bless!

NORMA JEANNIE: About time!

OLD ROY: Oh, stop your whinging, woman. Give us a rollie. Here, start hammering a couple of those pieces together while I have a spell over here.

CHRIS OLSEN: But, Unc, I can't! I gotta...

OLD ROY: But nothing. I'm the retired tradey. You're me apprentice. Now, make your dad proud and start putting these together. The quicker you get it done, the quicker you'll be out of here, son. Go on. I'll be there in a minute. Look, if your old man was here now, he'd be reading my mind. I wouldn't have to tell him what to do. He'd already be into it!

NORMA JEANNIE: He would too. Bless him.

SERGEANT GROWLY: What's going on here, fellas?

CONSTRUCTION WORKER 1: (Sighs) Well, someone stole our wood.

SERGEANT GROWLY: How much wood?

CONSTRUCTION WORKER 2: A whole stack, eh?, Unc?

CONSTRUCTION WORKER 1: Yeah.

SERGEANT GROWLY: Just hang around here and then we'll come back later and ask a few more questions. OK?

CONSTRUCTION WORKER 1: Yeah, OK.

SERGEANT GROWLY: No worries.

CHRIS OLSEN: Oh, no! I gotta go, Unc. I gotta go!

OLD ROY: Yeah, go on, then, son. Your father would be real proud of you, seeing as you did this.

CHRIS OLSEN: See you, Aunt.

NORMA JEANNIE: Hang on! What about me fence?!

OLD ROY: Oh, let the boy go, Jeannie. I got it from here.

# HIP-HOP

SERGEANT GROWLY: Whoa! Whoa! What's the hurry, sunshine?

CONSTABLE FERN: Yeah, Chris, what's the special occasion?

CHRIS OLSEN: I'm just going down here to sign on. What else would I be doing?

SERGEANT GROWLY: I don't know. You tell me.

CHRIS OLSEN: Yeah, I just did.

SERGEANT GROWLY: So you did. So you did. Listen, you wouldn't know anything about the tools and timber going missing from the construction site, now, would you?

CHRIS OLSEN: No. I can't even work on a site 'cause of these bail conditions I'm on.

CONSTABLE FERN: Nice shoes, Chris. Knock 'em off, did you?

CHRIS OLSEN: No.

SERGEANT GROWLY: Hey, but you were seen at the site when the stuff went missing. You sure you don't know anything?

CHRIS OLSEN: No.

(Radio chatter)

CHRIS OLSEN: Look, go and ask Pastor Phil. The only time I was anywhere near was when I was talking to him.

SERGEANT GROWLY: Well, that's very convenient, isn't it?

CONSTABLE FERN: Too convenient if you ask me.

CHRIS OLSEN: Well, go and ask him, then! He's a man of God. He's not going to lie to youse.

CONSTABLE FERN: Actually, he's got a point there, Sarge.

CHRIS OLSEN: Well, is that it? Can I go now?

SERGEANT GROWLY: OK. On your way. Off you go. Hey! But make sure you sign that book. Don't think just because you've seen us you're right.

CONSTABLE FERN: Yeah, don't even think. Nice shoes. I'd get a pair myself.

SERGEANT GROWLY: Hey! What you mob looking at? Move along, nothing to see here.

(Radio chatter)

REZZIN: (Whistles) Hey, bro! When did you get out, lad?

CHRIS OLSEN: Hey, Rez. Not long ago adlay. Hey Jaz.

JAZZ: Admay bro, where you going? To report?

CHRIS OLSEN: Yeah, how'd you know?

JAZZ: Nah, I eensay Aunt Norma Jeannie there, lad. She told me.

REZZIN: Oi, lad. Check her out, lad.

CHRIS OLSEN: Mm.

REZZIN: That's a nice distractikinz, eh?

CHRIS OLSEN: Oh, yeah. Oh, check it out, lad, look.

CHRIS OLSEN: She's ockedlay her eykays in the arcay, lad, look. She can't get in!

REZZIN: Well, go on there. Go on, give her a hand, there. Go get her umbernays while you're erethay, adlay.

CHRIS OLSEN: Oh, esay. You alright, lady?

CHICKY: No, I'm not.

CHRIS OLSEN: Well, hang on a sec, eh?

JAZZ: What appenedhay, adlay?

CHRIS OLSEN: Ah, she's locked the keys in the car. Come, you're the mad car enthusiast. Help her out.

REZZIN: Nah, nah, she can't help you. Look at her andhay.

JAZZ: Yeah, I can't, bro. I'm not left-handed.

REZZIN: Nah, bro. Don't look at me. I don't do cars.

CHRIS OLSEN: Oh...

REZZIN: Motorbikes, houses, back doors and safes - yeah, maybe. But not cars, bro. That's not my thing. Sorry, bruz.

CHRIS OLSEN: Yeah, right.

REZZIN: Nah, serious, bruz. I don't touch 'em. That's her thing, bro.

FISH'N'CHIPS SHOP OWNER: Rez!

REZZIN: Get umbernays, adlay.

CHRIS OLSEN: (Groans)

JAZZ: Here but. I carry it just in case, bro. You know. Just in case of emergencies.

# HIP-HOP

CHICKY: Thank you so much.

CHRIS OLSEN: No worries. Here you go.

REZZIN: Thanks, bro.

CHRIS OLSEN: Hey, make sure you call her!

REZZIN: Yeah, I will, bro.

CHRIS OLSEN: I gotta go.

REZZIN: Yeah, I will. Hey, Jazz. Got any credit, lad?

CHRIS OLSEN: Sorry, Nona!

NONA THE NINJA: (Groans) Help Nona, please. I need to get over there.

CHRIS OLSEN: What happened, Nona?

NONA THE NINJA: Oh, Michael's bread. I give for him.

CHRIS OLSEN: No, what happened to your eye?

NONA THE NINJA: Oh, nothing. Just a cataract covering my eye. I see this side... but not this side.

CHRIS OLSEN: (Coughs)

NONA THE NINJA: Chris, come help Nona, please. Cross here, Christopher. I give bread for Michael. He likes his bread. Vienna bread. His favourite.

(Snoring)

CHRIS OLSEN: (Sighs) Michael, lad, wake up. I got something for you.

NONA THE NINJA: No, Christopher. You no go wake him up. Like this! Hard! Hard! See? Good morning, Michael. I have your bread for you. Your favourite. Nice, fresh... (Sniffs) Beautiful!

MICHAEL: Thank you, Nona.

NONA THE NINJA: Oh. Ooh, watch my eye. Where's Christopher? Come, Christopher. We go over here. I take my oranges home.

CHRIS OLSEN: Oh, no! 10 to 12!

MICHAEL: (Coughs)

CHRIS OLSEN: Michael, you alright, lad? Here. Move forward. Ready? One, two, three. (Grunts) One, two! (Grunts) (Pants) Oh, man. Here. Here! (Grunts) One more, one more!

MICHAEL: (Coughs)

CHRIS OLSEN: You alright, lad?

MICHAEL: I think so, buddy.

CHRIS OLSEN: No worries. (Groans)

MICHAEL: I think you saved my life.

CHRIS OLSEN: Yeah, sweet, bro, yeah.

MICHAEL: Really, you saved my life.

CHRIS OLSEN: (Mumbles)

MICHAEL: Thank you so much. You really saved my life. Thank you so much.

CHRIS OLSEN: It's alright, lad. Take it easy, eh?

MICHAEL: Yeah.

# HIP-HOP

SENIOR CONSTABLE DOOBZ: He showed up yet?

CONSTABLE CRAX: Chris? Nup.

SENIOR CONSTABLE DOOBZ: Put the call out, then. Oh, here he is now.

CHRIS OLSEN: Did I make it? Did I make it?

SENIOR CONSTABLE DOOBZ: Ooh, just. Sure cut it fine this time, Mr Olsen.

CHRIS OLSEN: (Pants)

SENIOR CONSTABLE DOOBZ: Real fine. Cancel that. On your way.

REZZIN: Hey, sign on, bro?

CHRIS OLSEN: Yeah, yeah.

REZZIN: Hey, got any credit on your onephay, bro?

JAZZ: To ring that doob, adlay. He's got no credit.

CHRIS OLSEN: Nah, bro. I got none either.

JAZZ: Where you going now, naish?

CHRIS OLSEN: Gotta go round home and wait for the Foxtel lady to come around.

JAZZ: Oh, Foxtel! Eeetsway, adlay. We'll be around later, enthay.

REZZIN: Mad, bro.

CHRIS OLSEN: Esay.

(Car horn)

NORMA JEANNIE: Yeah, thanks for that. I never expected to receive that award. I'm in shock. No, true. I think I'm in shock.

DEBBIE HOOKS: Well, you deserve it, Aunt. You always look after your property. There's never any damage here. You must have guardian angels or something.

NORMA JEANNIE: True, eh? I'll have to frame this. Who would've thought someone like me would've received something like this.

DEBBIE HOOKS: Nah, you're not wrong, Aunt. Oh, hang on. Come to think of it. You did get the best garden award last year. So this'll be another one to go on your mantel.

NORMA JEANNIE: What mantel? I got no mantel!

DEBBIE HOOKS: Well, get old Roy to make you one! He'll do it for you, Aunt!

NORMA JEANNIE: Yeah, true. I'll ask him.

DEBBIE HOOKS: After all, look how deadly he done with your fence.

NORMA JEANNIE: Shh, ninganah. They might hear you.

(Car horn)

(Both laugh)

DEBBIE HOOKS: See you.

NORMA JEANNIE: See you.

NEIGHBOUR 1: That was close.

NEIGHBOUR 3: I reckon.

NORMA JEANNIE: 'Norma-Jeannie, on behalf of the New South Wales Housing Commission...'

OLD ROY: Hey, Gaily Girl looking for you.

CHRIS OLSEN: Yeah, I gotta go up here and wait for the FOXTEL fella.

OLD ROY: No, no, he's already left.

CHRIS OLSEN: Where's she at now?

OLD ROY: Gaily Girl?

CHRIS OLSEN: Yeah.

OLD ROY: Waiting for you, I'd say. She don't look too happy either.

CHRIS OLSEN: Right, thanks, Unc.

(Door slams)

CHRIS OLSEN: Babe?

GAILY GIRL: Don't 'babe' me. Where was you?

CHRIS OLSEN: You wouldn't believe me even if I told you, baby.

GAILY GIRL: Well, come on, this better be good.

CHRIS OLSEN: Well, I dropped the vacuum off like you told me to, right. Then after I dropped it off, bump into Aunty Norma. Aunty Norma's fence is broken. Don't know how it was broken. Someone broke it. Take off up the road. Guess who I run into? Coppers. Look at me watch. Don't look at me watch - I got a receipt for that, you know what I mean? Mad gronks, mate. So I go up and talk to 'em. They just wanna harass me like always they always do. They knew I had to sign on. Run into the boys. There's this chick that locked her keys in...

GAILY GIRL: Hey? What chick? Who was she? Where was this?

CHRIS OLSEN: Fish'n'chip shop. Look, I don't know who she was. All I did was help her with the keys, alright? So I did that. She drove off. She was happy. So then I left the boys. Walk towards the police station. Guess who I run into? Nona the Ninja! Walking the cool, slow way, eh? I know who the lad is, lad. Sitting there asleep. Nudge him in the guts, eh? (Coughs) Big fella too. Squeezing his guts real hard! The bread went straight out! Straight on my new runners, lad. So... I saved his life, walk over to the cop shop, signed on, then I walked back down here, baby.

GAILY GIRL: Go away! Stop exaggerating!

CHRIS OLSEN: Oh, man... What?

GAILY GIRL: It doesn't take that long to get there! Gunji station's only up the road! You wanna wake up to yourself. If you didn't want to wait for the FOXTEL man, you should've just said!

# HIP-HOP

CHRIS OLSEN: (Sighs)

WOMAN: # Picture me rolling, rolling
# All up in your zone
# Tell me, can you see me?
# Riding, sliding
# Cruising through the street
# Right, tell me, can you see me?
# Rolling, rolling
# All up in your zone
# Tell me, can you see me?
# Riding, sliding
# Cruising through the street
# Right, tell me, can you see me?

MAN: # Ha ha ha, the last laugh... #

GAILY GIRL: Shh.

(Laughter)