I call bullshit. I refer to Donald Trump's defence, after his unwitting confession to committing sexual assault aired. You know the confession I mean.
"When you're a star," the Republican Presidential candidate told George W Bush's cousin, Billy Bush, in reference to attractive women, "they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything … I moved on her like a bitch."
This, we have been told repeatedly by Trump, is "locker-room" talk.
It is a seductive notion for idiots to embrace, a self-exculpatory twist, along the lines of: "No harm done, this is just the way manly men speak to each other, when they are being really manly, doing manly things, and talking manly subjects. No big deal. Nothing to see here folks."
Morons like Pauline Hanson actually took it hook, line and sinker, and even publicly defended Trump, saying it was a decade ago that he said it and, anyway, a lot of men say things like that.
Bullshit we do, and definitely not in the locker-room, at least not serious ones. For once, I really do know of that which I speak.
I not only spent a couple of decades around some rough footballers in locker-rooms, but was a rough footballer myself, across Australia, Italy, France and the USA – the last of which I played across three sports, and "lettered" in American football. I heard, and engaged in, some rough talk in those locker-rooms, and up the back of the bus.
Did we talk about women? A bit. Touch on sexual matters? Occasionally, but not a hundredth as much as we talked about … football.
Did we, then, engage in talk that we would not want our mothers to hear at the time, or be reminded of now? No doubt.
But brag of sexual assault?
WHAT?
Are you out of your freaking mind??? NEVER.
Anybody who says that, or believes it, simply doesn't get it, has no clue what the essence of "locker-room" talk on women is actually all about.
When macho males are in women-boasting mode, there are two basic strands, each with the same garish goal. Mostly the preening turns on how attractive your most recent partner is, with the goal being to demonstrate what a slick bloke I must be to pull such a chick as this, don't you reckon, guys??! And the second strand is even more gauche, boasting how many attractive women you've pulled, hence how super slick you must be … dontcha reckon youse blokes, ragazzi, les gars, you guys?
Trump's confessional atrocities are an anathema to both notions.
Only a vulgarian without even the first clue as to how macho men interact on this front would think the use of force on otherwise unwilling women would impress other men.
As to the notion that the likes of Trump would even know what the talk is in a serious sports locker-room – far removed from the business board-rooms and entertainment world dressing rooms he has excelled in, where different cultures must prevail – please.
He is the brassy braggadocio who never shuts up, who prances and preens, and boasts and craps on, but does not actually deliver the hard yards when they count. He would be what is known in the trade as "a white-line phantom". He'd be the loudest one in the dressing room before the game, screaming and carrying on. But then you'd cross the white line to enter the field of play when … <
They don't last. Craig Bellamy would have Trump in reserve grade before he could blink. Blokes like him, who talk like that, have no place in real locker-rooms. And I am not the only one who thinks so.
Atlanta Falcons tight end Jacob Tamme talked to the New York Times on Monday, just after his side had whupped the Denver Broncos, and he had just left the dressing room.
"I showered after our game but I feel like I need another one after watching the debate," he said. "The attempt to normalise it as any type of 'talk' is wrong. I refuse to let my son think that this is 'just how men speak'." We don't. Not real men, anyway.
Sign of the times
Speaking of the Bible, however – as I actually was at the time – I do remember that famous line that, "in the future, the rich will be poor, the poor will be rich, the meek will inherit the earth, the Cronulla Sharks will win 14 matches straight, Malcolm Turnbull will swear allegiance to the Queen of England, and Eddie Jones will be on the Advisory Board of the richest investment bank in the world, and have his opinion on whether the Yen will rise or fall printed in the Financial Times."
Bank role: Eddie Jones. Photo: Getty Images
I once doubted that biblical prediction, but, sure enough, my children, it has indeed come to pass in late July, let the Lord be praised.
For as reported in that august journal, Goldman Sachs' Japanese CEO, Masanori Mochida, has appointed the one-time Randwick hooker to that very board to sprinkle a little "secret sauce" over the bank's affairs – and get them to perform like the Japanese team did under his stewardship against South Africa; like the English side did against Australia last month. Part of his role is lecturing Sachs' employees and clients alike on leadership over lunches and dinners, and, as reported by the Financial Times, at one of those dinners, "one of Japan's biggest industrialists asked Jones for advice on the future direction of the Yen. Jones told him it would appreciate."
And Eddie is scathing, ropable, I tell you, over the way Boris Johnson made his exit from Brexit.
"So Johnson didn't have a plan …" Eddie fumes. "He wasn't prepared." Eddie gives full vent to his fury as the Financial Times journo dutifully notes his thoughts down, to report to their readership of global financial leaders around the planet. For the journo knows, and he is right, that the FT's readership will be interested in Eddie's thoughts on just how badly the now British Foreign Minister blew it.
In short …
Eddie! Look at you!
And good luck to you. You are a credit to rugby front-rowers across the globe.
Cometti has the X factor
Even as the Olympics goes on, the great Denis Cometti continues his victory lap around the country, in his final year before retirement, being as brilliant as ever. Last weekend, as the Swans played Freo at Subiaco, Swans defender Xavier Richards – known as "X" – takes a great mark 30 metres in front of the Dockers goal, and prepares to take his kick. Now, although players doing that often scrape their boot on the ground on the exact spot they took the mark so as to keep their bearings, on this occasion Xavier doesn't do that.
King of the one-liners: Dennis Cometti has retired from calling AFL games - but will be heard during the 2017 WAFL season. Photo: Pat Scala
What to do, Denis? You've got the killer line, but you've only got two months to go before it's all over. The moment might never come again!
And so he says it.
"I wish Xavier had scraped the ground," Cometti rumbles in that wonderfully deep intonation, "so I could have said, 'X marks the spot'."
Cometti, in space! He swivels! He shimmies! He shakes! He kicks! GOOOOOOAL!
JOKE OF THE YEAR
It seems that Little Johnny keeps asking his dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his dad keeps saying, quite reasonably, "No."
Anyways, after all the nagging, the dad finally agrees and says, "OK, Johnny."
Several nights later, Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's Love-Juice?"
Dad is horrified and, after looking at mum, who's also gobsmacked, he proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all.
Johnny now sits on the sofa with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks: "So, what is it you've been watching then, son?"
Johnny replies: "The Australian Open."
What They Said 2016
Cronulla captain Paul Gallen on Channel Nine: "To the people in the Shire, turn your porch light off 'cause we're comin' home with the trophy."
Andrew Moore to Kevin Walters on ABC Grandstand: "Alfie Langer was so nervous before a big game like the grand final that he always threw up. Did you have a pre-game ritual, mate?" Walters: "Yeah, I never sat anywhere near Alfie."
English soccer fan, @Jules___R after England were beaten by Iceland, a country that has more volcanoes than professional soccer players. "Not been this embarrassed to be English since Friday." (Friday had been the Brexit vote.)
Iceland players celebrate their victory over England with the supporters in Nice last June. Photo: AP
Eddie Jones, in an address to Hunters Hill Rugby Club, in July on how his mob had won their last nine Test matches straight: "There are only two statistics we look at. Firstly, how long does it take a player to get up off the ground and get back in his place for defence. Secondly, how long it takes a player to get up off the ground and get back in his place for attack." Gawd, I love that. Measure gumption – win matches.
Michael Diamond denies having a drinking problem in July: "Not at all. It was my birthday. If you can't have a drink on your birthday then what has Australia come to?" Exactly! Who hasn't behaved in such a manner – knocking back so much turps on your birthday – that you end up on DUI and gun-charges, your brother takes out an AVO against you, and you lose your spot on the national squad as a danger to shipping? It's happened to the best of us!
Jeanne Pratt, matriarch of the family worth $10.3 billion on her association with the Carlton Football Club, of which she is Vice-President: "Football is a terrific leveller, it brings the whole community together. I can't walk down the street in any part of Melbourne without someone with no teeth and tatts coming up and saying 'What are you doing to our club?'"
Nick Kyrgios: "I think the Canadians probably support their athletes a little better than the Australians do …" I think Canadian tennis players don't shout unpleasantly at ballboys. Somehow, rising to No.14 in world rankings, he still had a shocker of a year, and this one has started no better.
Mike Carlton, on Twitter, wishes Jarryd Hayne all the best after the news broke that he wouldn't make the Fiji Sevens team, even if they became the Fiji Seventeens: "Still hope that he'll follow his dream to win the US PGA, drive Le Mans, climb Everest or dance with the Bolshoi."
Jarryd Hayne: "It was hard to comprehend and understand at first why I came here. Why God put me here; but deep down I knew there was a reason and a purpose. God takes you places not so you can achieve what you set out for, but to play a part and help something greater than yourself." Preening pomposity pretending to be prayerful piety.
Illustration: John Shakespeare
NSW five-eighth James Maloney moved to bronze position on TFF's Medal Table of Best Mixed Metaphors of 2016, for this gem, after Wednesday night's State of Origin: "We had them on the ropes and we let them off the hook."
Geoff Lemon of the ABC describing Mitch Marsh's batting style against Sri Lanka: "The latter gives an overwhelming impression of heaviness at the crease; he clomps his hoof down the pitch, contorts his limbs, drags his bat through the line. Facing spin bowling's delicate arcs, he looks like a Clydesdale trying to pick blackberries with its teeth. . ." That bloke is so good he depresses me.
Western Bulldog Jack Macrae on teammate Jordan Roughead having an eye injury that could keep him out of the grand final: "It's just a wait-and-see game." We're done.
Team of the Year
Western Bulldogs. First flag since 1954.
Cronulla. First ever premiership. If only the North Sydney Bears were still around to have a chance to break their drought.
Andy Murray. Won his second Wimbledon title. Smiled a couple of times, too.
Mick Fanning. Returned to Jeffreys Bay, to win this time, making it 1-1 with the Sharks. Fanning is a notably good egg.
Victory: Mick Fanning has started with a win in his first surf back at Jeffreys Bay. Photo: World Surf League
Michael Phelps. Retires as the greatest ever Olympian, an astonishing 23 gold medals to the good.
Chloe Esposito. Wow. Just … WOW. The Sydney-sider nailed it in the pentathlon, starting in the position of seventh for the final leg, only to overhaul the entire field and finish with Olympic gold. She's the one.
RIP Max "Tangles" Walker. 1948-2016. Played 34 Tests between 1972 and 1977, collecting 138 wickets at 27.47.
RIP Arnold Palmer. Died aged 87. Winner of seven majors but was far more than a golfer.
RIP Norman May. Died in September, aged 88. May worked fulltime for the ABC between 1958 and 1984, and covered a total of 11 Olympic and 11 Commonwealth Games.
Twitter: @Peter_Fitz