Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men

The Harper brothers Charlie and Alan are almost opposites but form a great team. They have little in common except their dislike for their mundane, maternally cold and domineering mother, Evelyn. Alan, a compulsively neat chiropractor and control-freak, is thrown out by his manipulative wife Judith who nevertheless gets him to pay for everything and do most jobs in the house. Charlie is a freelance jingle composer and irresistible Cassanova who lives in a luxurious beach-house and rarely gets up before noon. Charlie "temporarily" allows Alan and his son Jake, a food-obsessed, lazy school kid who shuttles between his parents, to move in with them after Alan's separation/divorce. The sitcom revolves around their conflicting lifestyles, raising Jake (who has the efficient, caring dad while having a ball with his fun-loving sugar uncle who teaches him boyish things), and bantering with Evelyn and various other friends and family. Other fairly regular characters include Charlie's cleaning lady Berta and his rich, self-confessed stalker neighbor Rose who often sneaks in to spy on Charlie.

Cast

• Jon Cryer
• Angus T. Jones
• Charlie Sheen
• Conchata Ferrell
• Ashton Kutcher
• Marin Hinkle
• Holland Taylor
• Melanie Lynskey
• Jennifer Taylor
• Courtney Thorne-Smith
• April Bowlby
• Ryan Stiles

• Season 1
• Play in Full Screen Episode 1: Pilot
  Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass".::Charlie: Here's $20. That should c...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 2: Big Flappy Bastards
  [Charlie trying to get rid of a bunch of seagulls]::Charlie: Shoo!...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 3: Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell
  Charlie: [Charlie's view on Disneyland after returning from a day spent there] "Happiest Place On Ea...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 4: If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap
  Alan: Charlie?::Charlie: What?::Alan: You kicked me in your sleep!::Charlie: Who said I was asleep?...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 5: The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump
  Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got "creamed", no one won, no one lost.::Jake: Yeah except for...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 6: Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?
  Olivia Pearson: You said I was very special to you.::Charlie: You were!::Olivia Pearson: Yeah, me an...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 7: If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake
  Alan: Charlie, when I moved in here, I said that is was vital that we create a wholesome atmosphere ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 8: Twenty-five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful
  Episodes are named for a line from the show, this one does not have an exact quote, "Not gonna face ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 9: Phase One, Complete
  Charlie: Look, Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I w...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 10: Merry Thanksgiving
  Charlie ('Charlie Sheen' (qv)) tells Alan that Lisa ('Denise Richards' (qv)) is the only person that...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 11: Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor
  Alan: Well you know what, it doesn't matter if I look cool, we judge a person by what's inside, not ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 12: Camel Filters and Pheromones
  Berta: [speaking of her granddaughter who is spending the day with her] She's playing with Jake.::Al...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 13: Sarah Like Puny Alan
  Alan Harper: [Alan has a bad case of the flu, Charlie wants to tell him some 'great news'] There is ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 14: I Can't Afford Hyenas
  [Charlie has run into some financial trouble]::Charlie: I can't do this anymore. I quit.::Alan: You ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 15: Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick
  Frankie: [Alan is scooping pancakes onto Frankie's plate] Man, deep tissue massage, pancakes... if y...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 16: That Was Saliva, Alan
  Charlie Harper: Ah man, I'm the *extra* guy!...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 17: Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats
  Alan: Charlie, let me tell you something; you-you-you can't keep Jake from ever getting hurt, he's a...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 18: An Old Flame with a New Wick
  Charlie: [Alan is looking at a photo of Charlie's old girlfriend who is now a man] Just *look* at it...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 19: I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You
  Judith: If you're determined to do something stupid, I'd actually prefer you to do Charlie.::Liz: So...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 20: Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
  Alan Harper: [Jake has been acting out; Judith wants him to go to therapy] He - He's just a normal 1...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 21: No Sniffing, No Wowing
  Laura Lang: Now.::Charlie: What?::Laura Lang: I want you... *now*!...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 22: My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet
  Rose: [Rose has been lying next to Charlie in bed for a while without him knowing] I just thought yo...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 23: Just Like Buffalo
  Alan Harper: [to Charlie] I'm going to go get Jake, but I'll leave the front door unlocked in case S...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 24: Can You Feel My Finger
  Charlie Harper: Well, Jake... Your uncle Charlie is getting a vasectomy::Jake Harper: Oh... What's w...
• Play in Full Screen Episode : Most Chicks Won't Eat Veal: Original Pilot
  In the original version of the pilot 'Blythe Danner' (qv) played Charlie and Alan's mother, but due ...
• Season 2
• Play in Full Screen Episode 1: Back Off Mary Poppins
  Elvis Costello: You know, Sean never speaks about his siblings.::Sean Penn: Back off, Mary Poppins! ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 2: Enjoy Those Garlic Balls
  Dr. Melnick: [Alan is returning the "The Harpers" welcome mat that he stole the night before] So you...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 3: A Bag Full of Jawea
  [first lines]::Alan Harper: [at Jake's school] I don't know what he did, Charlie, the teacher just c...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 4: Go Get Mommy's Bra
  Evelyn Harper: Now go get mommy's bra. [Charlie rises and pulls her bra from his pocket; pause] Oh d...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 5: Bad News from the Clinic
  Charlie Harper: [Alan asks Charlie why he isn't out on a date with his new lady friend] Sherri? I'm ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 6: The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance
  Charlie Harper: [Charlie's locks himself in the bathroom] There is no Bad Alan. I'm the one who stol...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 7: A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana
  Alan Harper: [after ignoring their Mother's phone call] I, I - I wish there were a better way to dea...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 8: Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers
  Charlie Harper: Jake, wake up.::Charlie Harper: [Jake is still asleep] Well, I tried....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 9: Yes, Monsignor
  'Denise Richards' (qv)'s character's daughter, played by 'Sam Sheen' (qv), is actually her and 'Char...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 10: The Salmon Under My Sweater
  Jake: [Charlie has been hired to write the theme song for the "Oshikuru" cartoon] So, I'll be like, ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 11: Last Chance to See Those Tattoos
  The website "www.charlieharpersucks.com" actually exists with all the pages included in the episode ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 12: A Lung Full of Alan
  Charlie: [making a deal with Alan while standing at a urinal] Want to shake on it?...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 13: Zejdz z Zmoich Wlosów
  USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 14: Those Big Pink Things with Coconut
  Judith Harper: [to Alan, who was trying to pretend he wasn't home] Why were you hiding?::Charlie Har...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 15: Smell the Umbrella Stand
  Charlie Harper: [about Alan's upcoming colonoscopy] But I hear there's nothing to worry about, it's ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 16: Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?
  [first lines]::Alan Harper: [shouting on the phone] Do you just get up in the morning, and figure ou...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 17: Woo-Hoo, a Hernia-Exam!
  Charlie Harper: [Charlie's in great pain after throwing his back out, and initially asks Alan to hel...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 18: It Was Mame, Mom
  Evelyn Harper: It doesn't matter, darling. You're here, you're queer. I'm used to it....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 19: A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise
  Alan: When you're with a woman like Sherri, who's sooo gosh darn beautiful that you get excited just...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 20: I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey
  Jake: [out of the blue] You know, if you guys were queer, we would be what they call an "alternated ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 21: A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On
  Charlie Harper: [their mother just came to visit] So, Mom, to what do we owe this unexpected, uuh......
• Play in Full Screen Episode 22: That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother
  Alan Harper: [to Trudy after Evelyn calls to cancel her double date] Uh, apparently, uh, your - your...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 23: Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab
  Charlie Harper: [about Jake] You realize, that in one night, he did what we couldn't do in a lifetim...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 24: Does This Smell Funny to You
  Alan Harper: [opens the front door to find Evelyn cavorting with "Uncle Norman", and blocks Jake fro...
• Season 3
• Play in Full Screen Episode 1: Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts
  Charlie Harper: [tired of arguing with Jake] This conversation's over.::Jake Harper: Not if I keep t...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 2: Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover
  Alan Harper: The office opens at 8:00.::Charlie Harper: [shocked] O'clock?::Alan Harper: [sarcastica...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 3: Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark
  Charlie discovers he isn't presented to Alan's girlfriends because there is only his wicked ex Judit...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 4: Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs
  Alan Harper: Incredible! I've been living here for two years and you still consider me a house-guest...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 5: We Called It Mr. Pinky
  Charlie: Congratulations, Alan... your son is officially pastry-whipped....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 6: Hi, Mr. Horned One
  Charlie: [noticing he's the only male guest, at Isabella's party] So where are all the guys? How com...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 7: Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop
  Charlie Harper: [to Alan, the morning after getting drunk and sleeping with Rose] What I have to do ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 8: That Voodoo That I Do Do
  Alan Harper: [about Charlie] The man's got a heat-seeking missile in his pants....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 9: Madame and Her Special Friend
  Alan: Jake, are you praying?::Jake Harper: It's OK, I'm not in school....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 10: Something Salted and Twisted
  When neither Charlie nor their mother commends Allan for being named in the local rag as a 'good doc...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 11: Santa's Village of the Damned
  Charlie Harper: Hey, people who live in fat asses, shouldn't throw waffles....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 12: That Special Tug
  Dr. Linda Freeman: Father?::Charlie: Dead.::Dr. Linda Freeman: Mother?::Charlie: Killed him.::Dr. Li...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 13: Humiliation Is a Visual Medium
  Jake Harper: Hey, Uncle Charlie, what's green, has 4 legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tre...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 14: Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
  The title refers to a quote by 'William Shakespeare (I)' (qv) "Love is blind" from his play "The Two...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 15: My Tongue Is Meat
  Berta: [about Charlie's behavior around Mia] Considerate?::Charlie Harper: Yeah, see, I love Mia, an...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 16: Ergo, the Booty Call
  Charlie Harper: Well I've always said a 22 year old girl is like a good carpenter; no wood gets wast...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 17: The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer
  Charlie Harper: [Alan tells Charlie to ignore their Mother] Ignore her? It would be easier to ignore...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 18: The Spit-Covered Cobbler
  Alan Harper: [Talking about Kandi] She thinks I'm special. She thinks I'm smart.::Charlie Harper: Sh...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 19: Golly Moses, She's a Muffin
  Charlie Harper: So, how big difference are we talking about ?::Kandi: It's *huge*.::Charlie Harper: ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 20: Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro
  Alan Harper: [angrily, to God] I watch *one* donkey sex show, and you make me pay for it the *rest o...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 21: And the Plot Moistens
  Judith Harper: [Jake's teacher want to know if Jake has any hobbies outside of school] Well, I don't...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 22: Just Once with Aunt Sophie
  [first lines]::Alan: [sits next to Jake] Hey.::Jake: [playing a video game on TV] Hi.::Alan: So... w...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 23: Arguments for the Quickie
  Alan Harper: I think she caught the rabbit....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 24: That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
  Rose: Hello Alan.::Alan Harper: Rose. [Rose exits via the front door. Charlie and Alan stare at the ...
• Season 4
• Play in Full Screen Episode 1: Working for Caligula
  Alan Harper: Rose.::Rose: Yes, sweetie?::Alan Harper: You're a stalker.::Rose: I prefer to be called...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 2: Who's Vod Kanockers
  Steven Tyler: [to Charlie, picking a fight over his night singing] Let's see what you got, jingle ba...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 3: The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress
  Alan Harper: [Evelyn comes in with her lips grotesquely swollen] What happened to your mouth?::Evely...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 4: A Pot Smoking Monkey
  Chester, the dog, is a Harlequin Great Dane....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 5: A Live Woman of Proven Fertility
  Jake Harper: [about Judith] She can be happy all she wants. I just don't need some jerk pretending h...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 6: Apologies for the Frivolity
  Berta: Choose your words carefully, Slim.::Lydia: Slim? Why thank you, I watch what I eat.::Berta: G...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 7: Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head
  Naomi: Hi, yeah, I think I have the wrong address.::Alan Harper: Oh, you have the right address. [lo...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 8: Release the Dogs
  Officer Roberts: [to his partner, after releasing Alan to Charlie at their house's door] At least th...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 9: Corey's Been Dead for an Hour
  Charlie Harper: And I said, why not? Two's a company, three's a sandwich....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 10: Kissing Abraham Lincoln
  Lydia: Oh Charlie, I almost forgot. I'm serving hors d'oeuvres for an open house tomorrow, so I'll n...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 11: Walnuts and Demerol
  Rose: [appears] Charlie!::Charlie Harper: Rose?::Rose: How could you have a party and not invite me?...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 12: Castrating Sheep in Montana
  In-joke: Charlie tells Alan his ear-ring would look great if he was escorting 'Molly Ringwald' (qv) ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 13: Don't Worry, Speed Racer
  Alan Harper: Jake can hear you two in bed.::Judith Harper: Oh God! Oh God!::Herb: He didn't hear tha...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 14: That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami
  Berta: She saw him for the mindless meat-seeking missle that he is....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 15: My Damn Stalker
  Charlie Harper: [to Rose as she gets in her Taxi] Yeah, right. I'll see you tomorrow. [goes into Ros...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 16: Young People Have Phlegm Too
  Charlie Harper: Let me tell you something, Alan, you're only as young as the women you feel... and l...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 17: I Merely Slept with a Commie
  Evelyn: Can you believe!... Two of Cynthia's three children didn't even bother showing up at her fun...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 18: It Never Rains in Hooterville
  Jake Harper: So, when are you gonna be on TV?::Kandi: I have to pass the audition first. Let's not p...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 19: Smooth as a Ken Doll
  Herb: Oh Myra. This is Judith's first husband, Alan.::Alan Harper: Hi.::Myra: So, how does this work...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 20: Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot
  [first lines]::Myra: [Charlie wakes up cuddled next to Judith's future sister-in-law] Thinking of ch...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 21: Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous
  Alan Harper: The depths of your degereracy continue to astound me.::Charlie Harper: [Looking puzzled...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 22: Mr. McGlue's Feedbag
  Alan Harper: Since when do you make chili?::Charlie Harper: [drunk] There's a lot you don't know abo...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 23: Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin
  Charlie Harper: You know the difference between you and me, Alan?::Alan Harper: I don't scream when ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 24: Prostitutes and Gelato
  Alan: Aren't you going to answer it?::Charlie: Nope::Alan: What if something happened to Mom?::Charl...
• Season 5
• Play in Full Screen Episode 1: Large Birds, Spiders and Mom
  Charlie Harper: I have a rash in... my private area.::Berta: Private? If it were any more public, yo...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 2: Media Room Slash Dungeon
  Alan walks into Evelyn's trap, so Charlie gets recruited as her male escort instead of spending the ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 3: Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo
  Alan Harper: You need a women who's more age appropiate.::Charlie Harper: What is age appropiate for...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 4: City of Great Racks
  Berta: [speaking of Rose] Of all the bare-asses that have come through these halls, she's the one th...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 5: Putting Swim Fins on a Cat
  Alan Harper: Are you aware that you haven't had a paying job in nine months?::Charlie Harper: Are yo...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 6: Help Daddy Find His Toenail
  Berta: Who's he listening to?::Jake Harper: Bucket of Hate.::Berta: They're good, it reminds me of t...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 7: The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room
  Charlie Harper: I don't pay you to mock me.::Berta: Charlie, you'd have to pay me not to....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 8: Is There a Mrs. Waffles?
  Charlie Harper: Remember those songs I recorded last week?::Jake Harper: Those songs sucked.::Charli...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 9: Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids
  Evelyn: So I just naturally assumed that something had come up that was more important than your fat...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 10: Kinda Like Necrophilia
  Charlie Harper: [Alan drools over Charlie's sexy, French one-night-stand] Nice, huh?::Alan Harper: N...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 11: Meander to Your Dander
  Charlie Harper: Wow... I get more tongue from my butcher....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 12: A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh
  Charlie feels as sick as a dog with a killer cold, but nobody comes to take care of him, until Rose ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 13: The Soil is Moist
  Charlie predicts correctly Alan's recently divorced ex, Cynthia Sullivan, a friend of Judith, will e...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 14: Winky-Dink Time
  Charlie Harper: [about Jake] I'm telling you Alan. One of these days, that kid's gonna fart, and bir...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 15: Rough Night in Hump Junction
  Alan points out Charlie's serial dating, daily, is getting excessive, even by his standards. Even bl...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 16: Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty
  Charlie ('Charlie Sheen' (qv)) mentions _Apocalypse Now (1979)_ (qv). Sheen's father 'Martin Sheen' ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 17: Fish in a Drawer
  Evelyn Harper: Jake, how many times I have to tell you? Do not eat the cake until they cut it.::Jake...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 18: If My Hole Could Talk
  Charlie Harper: I don't know why you get so worked up about it. The kid's obviously destined to sell...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 19: Waiting for the Right Snapper
  Dr. Linda Freeman: Look, Charlie. I've got my next patient waiting. If you like we can make a weekly...
• Season 6
• Play in Full Screen Episode 1: Taterhead Is Our Love Child
  Evelyn Harper: Oh sweetheart, take it from me, spending time with one's children is greatly overrate...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 2: Pie Hole, Herb
  USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 3: Damn You, Eggs Benedict
  Charlie Harper: [making breakfast] How do you like your eggs?::Berta: Sunny side up.::Charlie Harper...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 4: The Flavin' and the Mavin'
  USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 5: A Jock Strap in Hell
  Alan Harper: Oh Come on! This can't be the first woman who had nervous breakdown, lost her job and w...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 6: It's Always Nazi Week
  Berta: [Walking up to him while he reads a paper with his back turned to her] Charlie, you and me go...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 7: Best H.O. Money Can Buy
  USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 8: Pinocchio's Mouth
  Chelsea: What I mean is if we're going to see each other on a regular basis there should be some giv...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 9: The Mooch at the Boo
  USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 10: He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited
  USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 11: The Devil's Lube
  Charlie tells Alan that Andy ('Emilio Estevez' (qv)) is like the brother he's never had. In fact, 'C...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 12: Thank God for Scoliosis
  Berta: [describing Alan's receptionist Melissa] Tinkerbell with some knockers....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 13: I Think You Offended Don
  USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 14: David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie
  Melissa: All right. Well, now that we're all here, why don't we take turns saying something about Al...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 15: I'd Like to Start with the Cat
  Dr. Linda Freeman: Anything bothering you lately?::Charlie Harper: Well, there is this one thing, bu...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 16: She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime
  Charlie Harper: What's your problem?::Jake Harper: My problem is you're a sleazeball.::Charlie Harpe...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 17: The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?
  Charlie: [Referring to Chelsea] Last night, I told her 'I love you'. You know what she said?::Alan: ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 18: My Son's Enormous Head
  Alan Harper: Where did you meet a nine-year-old?::Jake Harper: She's in my math class.::Alan Harper:...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 19: The Two Finger Rule
  Chelsea: Can you explain this, Charlie?::Charlie Harper: I'd love to.::Chelsea: I'm waiting.::Charli...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 20: Hello, I am Alan Cousteau
  The title refers to the famous oceanographer and undersea explorer 'Jacques-Yves Cousteau' (qv)....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 21: Above Exalted Cyclops
  [Rose pulls alongside Alan as they drive]::Rose: [upset] You didn't call!::Alan Harper: What's that?...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 22: Sir Lancelot's Litter Box
  Charlie Harper: [Gives Chelsea a key] Here.::Chelsea: What is it?::Charlie Harper: Alan's house key....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 23: Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth
  The title refers to the character that promotes Mrs. Butterworth syrup that is sold by Pinnacle Food...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 24: Baseball Was Better with Steroids
  Charlie Harper: Alan, hit your kid for me.::Alan Harper: Do we really want to risk more brain damage...
• Season 7
• Play in Full Screen Episode 1: 818-jklpuzo
  USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 2: Whipped Unto the Third Generation
  Alan: The problem is the women have established a beachhead. [Charlie chuckles loudly]::Alan: What?:...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 3: Mmm, Fish. Yum.
  Jake's birthday is March 14th. The alarm code in Judith's house is based on it (0314)....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 4: Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator
  Chelsea: You have a girlfriend, Jake?::Jake Harper: That's kinda personal, isn't it?::Chelsea: I jus...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 5: For the Sake of the Child
  Jake Harper: [driving, sticks his elbow out the window]::Alan Harper: What are you doing?::Jake Harp...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 6: Give Me Your Thumb
  USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 7: Untainted by Filth
  Charlie Harper: [Noticing Alan is wearing his boxers] Why are you wearing my underwear?::Alan Harper...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 8: Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
  USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 9: Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair
  USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 10: That's Why They Call It 'Ball Room'
  USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 11: Warning, It's Dirty
  Charlie Harper: [Alan's "Harper Christmas News Letter", read by Charlie] As this wonderful year draw...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 12: Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste
  Alan Harper: What are you doing? Watching the big game?::Charlie Harper: Nothing gets by you.::Alan ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 13: Yay, No Polyps
  USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 14: Crude and Uncalled For
  Charlie has to bail out Alan, whose misplaced senses of pride and chivalry made him hit a 'rival' fo...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 15: Aye, Aye, Captain Douche
  The title is the typical response by a crew member to the the Captain of a sea going vessel or a sea...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 16: Tinkle Like a Princess
  Charlie is a wreck after Chelsea moves in with her pa and his gay partner, so bitter over women he e...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 17: I Found Your Moustache
  Charlie and Chelsea have a post-breakup one-night stand....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 18: Ixnay on the Oggie Day
  Hearing Chelsea is in Mexico with Brad, Charlie considers himself a free dumpee. So when her best fr...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 19: Keith Moon Is Vomiting in his Grave
  Charlie's next composition, a jingle for TV series 'super-dad', is hindered by Jake and his first-ev...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 20: I Called Him Magoo
  Charlie ordered an Asian escort to cope with his break-up, but actually makes her act just as meanly...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 21: Gumby with a Pokey
  [Charlie and Berta are high on medical marijuana]::Charlie Harper: Wait, wait, wait.::Berta: What?::...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 22: This Is Not Gonna End Well
  The title is based on the 'William Shakespeare (I)' (qv) play, All's Well That Ends Well....
• Season 8
• Play in Full Screen Episode 1: Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud
  Charlie admits waking up without trousers, later found in his mailbox stamped, without any recollect...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 2: A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer
  USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 3: A Pudding-Filled Cactus
  Alan moves in with Lyndsey but continues to have a rendezvous with Melissa at Charlie's house....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 4: Hookers, Hookers, Hookers
  After Alan's pipe sets fatal fire to Lyndsey's home, Charlie is far from happy, yet takes in the cou...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 5: The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel
  The title refers to the original piano man, song writer and singer 'Billy Joel' (qv)....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 6: Twanging Your Magic Clanger
  First episode since the start that doesn't feature all three lead roles, in this case 'Angus T Jones...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 7: The Crazy Bitch Gazette
  Despite embarrassing input from Alan, Jake, Evelyn and Berta concerning Charlie's vices, his hot aff...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 8: Springtime on a Stick
  Lush uncle Charlie chases Jake's classmate-date just when the kids were getting physical. The promis...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 9: A Good Time in Central Africa
  Charlie is too drunk even to notice who asks him for cash and why, or to remember that Berta arrange...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 10: Ow, Ow, Don't Stop
  USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 11: Dead from the Waist Down
  Charlie finds a new boundary at his generosity towards Courtney when she spends his money lavishly o...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 12: Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead
  'Jane Lynch (I)' (qv) of _"Glee" (2009)_ (qv) reprises her character of psychiatrist Dr. Freeman. At...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 13: Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup
  Charlie and Lyndsey discover they have things in common, like gambling, but agree not to trouble Ala...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 14: Lookin' for Japanese Subs
  Charlie is amused, inspiring and genuinely supportive, unlike worried Alan, when Jake and Eldridge s...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 15: Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak
  Alan convinces Charlie to lend him $5,000 to start advertising, like a former college mate, for whom...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 16: That Darn Priest
  'Charlie Sheen' (qv)'s last episode before being fired by Warner Bros. in March 2011....
• Season 9
• Play in Full Screen Episode 1: Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
  Alan Harper: Well. Here we are, buddy. Just like old times, huh? I'm talking, and you're in the bott...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 2: People Who Love Peepholes
  Berta: I could bite that ass like an apple....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 3: Big Girls Don't Throw Food
  Alan Harper: You need to keep in mind that this is not like the old days. I'm a guest here.::Jake Ha...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 4: Nine Magic Fingers
  Walden Schmidt: He's gonna move out at some point, right?::Berta: [touching his face] You are SO cut...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 5: A Giant Cat Holding a Churro
  Alan Harper: [about Walden drinking] Is this about your ex-wife?::Walden Schmidt: No.::Alan Harper: ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 6: The Squat and the Hover
  In the opening scene where Walden jumps around naked there is a bottle of Green Machine Naked juice ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 7: Those Fancy Japanese Toilets
  Evelyn Harper: I must tell you, Walden, it's so nice to finally see someone in this house who serves...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 8: Thank You for the Intercourse
  Alan Harper: I didn't do the dog people-style....
• Play in Full Screen Episode 9: Frodo's Headshots
  Walden Schmidt: I'm sorry you had to find out this way.::Alan Harper: Oh, really? Really? How would ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 10: A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes
  Jake Harper: She was totally hitting on you.::Walden Schmidt: Really?::Jake Harper: Yeah, you should...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 11: What a Lovely Landing Strip
  Rose: [Bridget is spying on Walden and Zoey through the glass doors] Did he break your heart?::Bridg...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 12: One False Move, Zimbabwe!
  Walden and Zoey are now so comfortable in and out of bed that he gets her to agree to inviting their...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 13: Slowly and in a Circular Fashion
  Walden wants to steer his company into new investments, but is blocked within the board by his vindi...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 14: A Possum on Chemo
  Walden is surprised that after happy months with Zoe, she suddenly wants him to shave and have a hai...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 15: The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack
  Zoe's ex husband claims to be 107th in line to the (presumably British) throne. In actuality, Sophie...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 16: Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy
  Walden and Alan can't prevent their girlfriends starting a bitching war after commoner Lyndsey's vic...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 17: Not in My Mouth!
  Zoe's repeated inability to replay to Walden's sweet 'I love you' either when they fear his private ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 18: The War Against Gingivitis
  Alan is appalled when Walden shows him the utterly abusive YouTube posts his former business partner...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 19: Palmdale, Ech
  Walden takes pity on dating-clueless Jake and Eldrigde, even volunteering to drive the knaves to the...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 20: Grandma's Pie
  Walden enjoys Zoe's return all night, but as soon as she hears about his multi-billion partnership w...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 21: Mr. Hose Says 'Yes'
  As trial run for becoming a household, Walden invites Zoey to stay a weekend with daughter Ava, who ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 22: Why We Gave Up Women
  Although Ava's exhausting stay-over convinced Walden he would be better off living with Alan, he dar...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 23: The Straw in My Donut Hole
  Stage 25, Warner Brothers Burbank Studios - 4000 Warner Boulevard, Burbank, California, USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 24: Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
  Jake and Eldridge finally graduate, but have skills nor ambition. Against Walden's warning how usele...
• Season 10
• Play in Full Screen Episode 1: I Changed My Mind About the Milk
  Video correspondence alleviates Alan's worries about Jake as bumbling soldier, the Army ways seem to...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 2: A Big Bag of Dog
  As if Zoey's proposal decline and Stanhope's childish taunting weren't bad enough for heart-broken W...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 3: Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt
  Alan is delighted to hear that Lindsey shares his fantasy, a threesome. Alas, she means two men, and...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 4: You Do Know What the Lollipop Is For
  Berta: [after first meeting Missi] That, my friends, is what you get when hillbillies have unprotect...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 5: That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam
  In order to get over Zoe, Alan encourages Walden to start dating again. Lyndsey offers to match him ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 6: Ferrets, Attack!
  After blissful weeks with Zoe, Walden invites her to move in. Just then Zoe returns, saying she dump...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 7: Avoid the Chinese Mustard
  In the library, Walden bumps into fresh, convincing would be actress Whitney and hires her to preten...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 8: Something My Gynecologist Said
  After dating now for several years, Lyndsey asks Alan for a commitment of some sort. If he can't or ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 9: I Scream When I Pee
  Walden Schmidt: Happy birthday! [shows Berta a brand new Chevrolet Camaro in her driveway]::Berta: S...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 10: One Nut Johnson
  Walden proves to Alan how systematically women, as soon as they Google his Fortune rank, switch into...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 11: Give Santa a Tail-Hole
  Walden Schmidt: Look what else Santa brought... broccol-toe!...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 12: Welcome to Alancrest
  Kate despairs about her fashion design ambitions, so Walden decides to invest $100,000. Alan, who sp...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 13: Grab a Feather and Get in Line
  Finding Walden a heart-broken wreck, Alan urges him to get fit again. The they fly to New York and t...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 14: Run, Steven Staven! Run!
  USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 15: Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It
  Alan panics when he learns that Jake's latest 'true love', Tammy, is a mother of three and much olde...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 16: Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby
  Walden is delighted when Kate flies to LA and asks an appointment on Valentine's Day. Alas, she only...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 17: Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries
  Walden considers it's time to go looking for a partner. Although Alan claims he's attractive enough,...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 18: The 9:04 from Pemberton
  In this episode Jake asks Walden if he is being Punk'd. Ashton Kutcher who plays Walden hosted the T...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 19: Big Episode: Someone Stole a Spoon
  Walden Schmidt: [Walden coming down the stairs in the morning after a wild party left his house a bi...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 20: Bazinga! That's From a TV Show
  Alan is just worried when Jake presents his new lover Ashley, hence given up a more promising adult ...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 21: Another Night with Neil Diamond
  Just now Alan believed to get his life in order, Lyndsey dumps him for a hot catch. Commiserating an...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 22: My Bodacious Vidalia
  Desperate to get Alan out of his hair, Walden breaks his heart-broken gloom by spicing the suggestio...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 23: Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped
  Stage 26, Warner Brothers Burbank Studios - 4000 Warner Boulevard, Burbank, California, USA...
• Season 11
• Play in Full Screen Episode 1: Nangnangnangnang
  Jenny: [hungover] Can we turn down the lights?::Alan Harper: You mean the sun?::Jenny: I hate the su...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 2: I Think I Banged Lucille Ball
  Stage 26, Warner Brothers Burbank Studios - 4000 Warner Boulevard, Burbank, California, USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 3: This Unblessed Biscuit
  Stage 26, Warner Brothers Burbank Studios - 4000 Warner Boulevard, Burbank, California, USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 4: Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank
  Walden decides to join Jenny and her friends during their wild escapades. But when he wakes with her...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 5: Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003
  Stage 26, Warner Brothers Burbank Studios - 4000 Warner Boulevard, Burbank, California, USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 6: Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants
  When Alan learns Walden knows Wonder Woman's LYNDA CARTER (guest starring as Herself), he asks him t...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 7: Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie
  Walden and Alan approach a couple of girls and ask them out. And the one Alan hooks up with is "easy...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 8: Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.
  When Larry hires a private investigator to follow Lyndsey, he tracks her to the beach house. But whe...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 9: Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer
  Stage 26, Warner Brothers Burbank Studios - 4000 Warner Boulevard, Burbank, California, USA...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 10: On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!
  Walden helps Jenny get a second date with a one-night stand (guest star ALY MICHALKA) and Alan's tra...
• Play in Full Screen Episode 11: Taze in the Lady Nuts
  USA:January 2014...