This was published 7 years ago
Peter FitzSimons' 2016 in Review: The year Bernard Tomic and I traded smashes
April 2016, Sydney
Dear Tomic the Tank Engine,
One of a kind: Bernard Tomic.Credit: AP
What are you doing?
You're a man already with a reputation for having a heart the size of a peanut, one who has been given extraordinary talent, but no gumption to go with it, no ability to guts it out.
Illustration: John Shakespeare
You've already been called out on it, by no less than John McEnroe, who takes the old-fashioned view that you either win the match or leave every last ounce of your being out on the court in your attempt to do so.
You're notorious in the tennis world for holding the post-war record for the quickest defeat in an ATP match – going down in just 28 minutes a couple of years ago to Jarkko Nieminen.
And yet, and yet, there you are in the Madrid Masters, on match point against an Italian player, receiving serve, and you turn the racquet around so you wave at the passing ball as if it were a wand. But, no magic, you missed the ball. Simply, you gave up.
At least Lay Down Sally was dinkum exhausted. But you?
Fresh as a daisy. The problem wasn't your body, it was your heart. Forget Lay Down Sally, they're calling you Weekend At Bernie's.
You not only gave up, you delighted in demonstrating your surrender by holding the racquet that way. The equivalent for a boxer would have been to throw your own white towel into the ring, before falling to your knees and begging not to be hit anymore, and …
And what? You have an answer?
"I don't care about that match point," you told the Tele. "Would you care if you were 23 and worth over $10 million?"
Yes. I care desperately every weekend, even when I'm down two sets to love and 5-0 in the third, when there is nothing riding on it at all. If we are going to lose, then by Gawd, we are going to go down with all guns blazing. Ninety-nine per cent of weekend hackers are the same. We just don't know any other way to play. We don't understand how, you, a pro, cannot care?
What is in it for you to carry on as you do? What is in your head? Is there no one in your entourage that grips you by the shoulders in the dressing room and says,
"Bernie, you looked like a complete wanker out there. You sound like a ten-ton tosser. Doing that s--t is inimical to the spirit of tennis, of sport, of manhood, of womanhood, and it embarrasses your country."
Did no one ever tell you that?
Well, consider yourself told.
Yours,
Peter
RANDOM ENCOUNTER DELIVERS SURPRISE
Yes, I had seen the yellow Ferrari outside the Palazzao Versace hotel on this Saturday arvo in July, but still, nothing twigged, and I had no clue that it was the first crack of lightning on the horizon for what looked like a mid-level storm approaching.
And here he is now! A tall, athletic, young man, in sunglasses, with a wingman on either flank, approaching the restaurant table where my Missus and I, shortly afterwards, are on the entrees. They're suddenly standing over our table.
"Mr Tomic, nice to meet you," say I, offering my hand, even as he removes his sunnies.
"Why do you write all that s--t about me?" says he, by way of return greeting, though he does shake my hand.
I tried to explain. Your job in life, Bernard, is to play as strong a game as you can, peppered with the odd vicious back-hander and crushing overhead smash and … as a matter of fact … that's my job too!
Listen, we were all brash and bumptious dickheads once, who disgraced ourselves here and there, but were mostly – as happened with me – pulled into line by older brothers and the like who told us, rightly, to pull our bloody heads in.
See, there was an outcry at the antics of Lleyton Hewitt early on, too, and I was in it with the best of them. But once Lleyton shut the hell up and played – and played his heart out, to the last shred of energy he had in him, and more often than not won – all us critics shut the hell up, too, and quickly jumped on his suddenly very crowded bandwagon. And that could still happen to you, Bernard.
You are a fabulous player, but your antics are tedious and the seeming lack of trying when it looks like you are going to lose, is troubling. We, the people, and the sponsors, can't give our all to someone not giving his all. Part of my job is to say all that. But the public perception could change quickly if you stopped playing up, and started growing up. Good luck.
He listened. He made more than his fair share of points in return – with far more respectfulness than I have ever treated him in print – and his thrust was that much of what he said and did was taken out of context by us in the media, as we relentlessly took the most negative angle possible, to sell our papers and lift our ratings.
I said that, too, can be part of our game.
We shook hands. He gave a polite nod of farewell to my wife. I liked him much better for the chat. In the distance, shortly afterwards, I could hear the low, growling purr of a Ferrari.
Shark through and through: Paul Gallen.Credit: Cameron Spencer
CONFUSING LEAGUE SPEAK
It was only a small grab, but interesting. In March, Paul Gallen told Channel Nine's Danny Weidler for the evening news: "I'll always do my best for the Sharks, as I've always done. They always come first." Again, I ask, and I mean it as serious question.
If the likes of Gallen refers to the Sharks in the third person, just who has the right to use the first person? Is it weird in the NRL that players who've been with a club for TEN YEARS, say "them" and "they", instead of "us" and "we"? Discuss.
THE REAL DEAL
TFF did a little bit of light palling around in Washington DC in April with my erstwhile rugby teammate and dear friend, Joe Hockey. He is enjoying his role as Australian ambassador, going well, and everything has gone smoothly, bar one thing. A couple of weeks ago he took his son to watch the Washington Capitals play in their big ice hockey match with the Pittsburgh Penguins and deciding to get in the spirit of all things American went to the booth to buy his lad a jersey, handing over his credit card.
"We can't accept this card, Sir," the nice lady told him.
"Why not? It was issued in Australia but works here? I've used it many times."
"Sir, it's not a real card."
"Why not?"
"Sir, Joe Hockey that is your real name?"
It took a little while but Joe finally convinced her, and walked away with the jersey, and a happy lad.
International diplomatic incident narrowly avoided!
THEY SAID IT IN 2016
Barry Humphries on what he gave the 84-year-old Rupert Murdoch and his three-decades younger bride, Jerry Hall, as a wedding present: "David Beckham, and some jumper leads …"
Bronco James Roberts, after his impressive debut for the club, which saw him being instrumental in Brisbane's 17-4 win against Parramatta, responds to a question from Channel Nine's Yvonne Sampson, about his blinding pace: "I've got more speed than Oxford Street …" Which is saying something, on the weekend of Mardi Gras. Yes, Roberts quickly found himself in a rut of tut-tut, but so be it.
Mitchell Pearce: "I totally shat on everyone I respect." A reader commented, "Thank Gawd video didn't emerge of that!"
Bernie Tomic during the Davis Cup tie in April: "Nick's sitting down in Canberra. Bulls--t he's sick. Two times he done it. Two times he's faked it." Me? I reckon things are grim when even Tomic says you're dogging it.
Kyrgios tweets in reply, referring to Tomic's 28-minute loss to Nieminen at the 2014 Miami Open – the quickest match in ATP history: "Let's not forget who holds the quickest loss on the ATP tour lol #how many minutes again. Just don't expect me to have your back anytime soon."
Fitzphile Joe Weller, on why sledging prevails in some sports, but not others: "Compare and contrast cricket, to the rugby codes, boxing etc. In the latter, smart mouths get jobbed. In cricket, blokes who could not rip the top off a rice custard, get to talk s---te with impunity. It's that simple."
Raymond Moore, the Tournament Director of Indian Wells, on a Sunday morning in April: "If I was a lady player, I'd go down every night on my knees and thank God that Roger Federer and Rafa Nadal were born, because they have carried this sport. They really have." He had resigned by the next day.
Serena Williams gave him an overhead smash before he went: "You know, there's only one way to interpret that. Get on your knees, which is offensive enough, and thank a man … We shouldn't have to drop to our knees at any point." Yes, I know. But wild horses could not make me make me go down that path.
Eddie Jones on what he spotted in Dylan Hartley to appoint him English rugby captain: "Those are the things you look for in leaders, it's not how well he speaks, what school he went to, can he write poetry, that has nothing to do with leadership. It is all about the ability to influence people."
What scares otherwise fearless English rugby star Billy Vunipola: "We haven't seen Eddie lose his rag with us and I hope never to see that in my life." You will, Billy, you will.
Richie McCaw, after posting a photo of the Australian and Kiwi flags side-by-side at the World Cup final last year: "This is the moment when I decided a new flag would be great for our country. Running out at Twickenham and seeing the two flags looking so similar. The silver fern has always been the special symbol on the All Black jersey that represents who we are as Kiwis, so the new flag with a silver fern as a part of it would be a great option I believe." RAH! Sadly, the referendum didn't get up, and the Kiwis, too, are stuck with the flag of another nation on their own.
Kevin Rudd on the booing of Adam Goodes: "I'm not exactly a connoisseur of the finer points of the game. But I think the claim that this was to do with Adam Goodes as a sportsman and not to do with his Aboriginal identity, I think that claim, is 100 per cent bulls--t."
Billy Brownless, on the Footy Show, shares his pain as the cameras roll: "It's just wrong. You don't touch a man's wallet, you don't touch his wife. Let me tell you, by law it's legal to do what they're doing, but morally it's wrong in all aspects." Excruciating, and watching it on tv, felt like peeping through someone else's bedroom window. Not right.
Huge year: Steph Curry.Credit: Getty Images
TEAM OF THE YEAR
Steph Curry. Broke his own record for most three-pointers in an NBA season – with 288 of them so for the Golden State Warriors – more than Magic Johnson did in his entire career. They are talking about changing the rules, and moving the three-point line further back. My own team, the Lizards, is against it. Too hard.
Todd Greenberg. The one-time boss of the Bulldogs, took over from Dave Smith as boss of the NRL, and seems to have done fairly well since.
Lauren Jackson. The greatest female basketballer Australia has produced, announced her retirement in April.
Afghan cricket. Defeated the West Indies at the World T20 Cup – a cross between how the mighty have fallen, and how the lowly have risen?
Mark Schwarzer. Won the Premiership league last year with Chelsea and this year with Leicester City, as reserve goalies. Schwarzer is a famed Socceroo, who was also in the Jerusalem side that beat Bethlehem in the Jesus Cup, stopping cold that extraordinary comeback attempt by Lazarus.
Chloe McCardel. The highly accomplished open water swimmer – she once crossed the Channel THREE TIMES, without pause, was inducted into the International Marathon Swimming Hall of Fame and also bestowed the Poseidon Award.
Adam Scott. After going winless in almost two years won back-to-back tournaments, early in the year.
Sydney Uni Women's Water Polo Club. Are now the celebrated National League Champions after taking down last year's champions, the Brisbane Barracudas, 12-8 in the grand final. One for the goodies, Won for the Goodies.
Twitter: @Peter_Fitz