As writer Erica Jong once said "show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I will show you a man", meaning that females the world over are almost automatically predisposed to feel guilty. Then when you factor being a mum into the mix, guilt can go to a whole new extreme!
Personally, I've been at war with my conscience for far too long. My "disease to please" has been running – and ruining – my life for 37 years. But now? I've made a long overdue breakthrough and decided it's time to break up with my guilt.
We all know that saying – "you can't pour from an empty vessel" but for so long I assumed that didn't apply to me. I was someone's wife, mother, sister, daughter and friend. If I couldn't be all things to all people, then what value was I bringing to this world?
It seemed normal to assume my needs were secondary to those around me. But after battling anxiety for years, finally my light bulb moment came as I sat across from my psychologist, slumped against the velvety chair, despair etched every word which tumbled out of my mouth that particular day.
"Isn't it tiring feeling so responsible for everyone's happiness every single day?" she asked me gently. And she was oh so right.
Every inch of my being was throbbing with exhaustion and I constantly felt weighed down by my self-imposed high expectations and pursuit of perfection. But, as she pointed out, there was no one holding gun to my head and demanding I behave this way.
It was purely the work of guilt which continued to reign supreme in my emotions. And while I had assumed it was pushing me to be the best person I could be, the reality was I could never be enough or do enough to appease its appetite, no matter how desperately hard I tried.
"It's high time you broke up with your guilt," she said simply – and finally I had to agree.
Suddenly, self-nurturing did not appear selfish. In that moment, the very thought of being able to forget regret and replace it with self-care shimmered like a tantalising oasis on the horizon. For too long it had seemed out of reach but now I knew the truth: this act was which could give me back my happy life.
I asked popular integrative psychologist, Leanne Hall, to weigh in on why there are so many mums, such as I, who are so conflicted by guilt. No surprises for guessing that some of the blame lays squarely at the feet of social media.
"Today more than ever mum's are faced with the pressures of trying to be all things to all people, especially their children," she agreed.
"They are also flooded with conflicting advice and information about parenting, and a whole world of potential (and real) 'critics' on social media. Consider the mum who posts endless pictures of 'perfect' bonding time with their 'perfect' children! Our natural tendency to compare ourselves to others only serves to fuel mother guilt!"
She reminds us all that there is no such thing as the perfect parent or perfect child – even if it may appear that way online. Furthermore, she suggests if we're open about our flaws and support each other unconditionally, it will no longer be possible to see self-care as a burden but as a bonus for our family.
"A happy and content mum equals a content and well-adjusted child," she enthuses.
"We feel so much better and can be more attentive to our children. We can be more patient, less stressed, and have better self-esteem. Less guilt also means that we can make better more well-informed decisions when it comes to parenting and less influenced by the opinions and judgement of others."
Two months on from that light-bulb moment in my life, I admit I've felt lighter and brighter since I began to shed the skin of guilt from my everyday existence. It's by no means a quick and easy process but boy, it does have some great advantages!
"With less time spent worrying about not being good enough, we can focus on developing a real connection with our children too, without external influencers," Hall explains.
"It also means that we can be a positive role model to our children – if they see their mum as a strong person who values her own health, then they are much more likely to do the same."
Ultimately, being a bold and brave example for my children makes breaking up with guilt an easy decision to make. I hope my fellow mums currently pinned down by the weight of expectation and responsibility soon find the same freedom. I promise you, it's so very worthwhile.