I thought I was sick. I was exhausted, I had no energy or motivation, and my concentration was shot. I was bad tempered with my loved ones, and unusually negative about work, life, and other people.
It must be chronic fatigue syndrome, I decided, or some sort of virus. Or perhaps I was anaemic, or deficient in vitamin D, or deficient in vitamin B, or deficient in something.
But the blood tests came back clear, and so I figured I must be depressed. Except ... I've been depressed before, and it didn't feel like this. Depression feels heavy. Depression hurts. And I wasn't in pain. I was just over everything. I was absolutely fed up.
And then I realised, with a flash, what the problem was. I wasn't sick, and I wasn't depressed. I was simply burnt out.
I Googled "burnout", and found I had all the symptoms: exhaustion, lack of motivation, frustration and cynicism, and poor concentration. Burnout, the articles said, arises from chronic stress, and I had certainly been stressed over the past few months.
And yet practically all the articles referred to job burnout, and my work was really only one part of the equation.
Yes, my job can sometimes be stressful – with deadlines, and word counts, and quick turnover, and the constant need to generate ideas.
But even more than burnout from work, I feel burnt out from life. I feel burnt out from parenting, from the endless counselling and negotiations. I feel burnt out from my divorce, from the ongoing challenges of maintaining good relations. I feel burnt out from dating, which requires a huge amount of energy and resilience.
I feel burnt out from adulthood, from the responsibilities incumbent on me as the only grown up in a household of four. I can sleep, I can take a short break, but I can never stop. Parenting is absolutely unrelenting. You can't take a hiatus from worrying about your kids.
It doesn't help that it's the end of a long year, in the middle of what feels like a very long decade. So many of us are limping towards the finish line, desperate for a holiday. And even when that holiday comes, it is frequently with children, which is a change of scenery, but not a break from responsibilities.
Still, there are things you can do to take care of yourself in the midst of burnout.
1. Exercise, even if you have to force yourself. I don't go to the gym, or play tennis, or even do yoga. I march around my neighbourhood listening to podcasts. Usually it's easy; these days it can take an act of great will, but I always, always feel better afterwards.
2. Get organised. Having a tidy home and a tidy inbox helps to quiet the mind, and creates a much more peaceful environment.
3. If you can afford to, throw some money at the problem. I have given my little one lunch money so I don't have to make her sandwich. I have bought takeaway food when I've been too tired to cook. And I have used the dryer more than I usually do, to save the effort of hanging towels and sheets on the line.
4. Spend time each day doing absolutely nothing. Being burnt out is a symptom of stress and overstimulation. I often spend 20 minutes just lying on the couch, not reading or listening to music, just staring at the ceiling and resting.
5. Say "no" more often. This is tough at the end of the year, what with kids' concerts, speech nights, sporting presentations and Christmas parties, but it's particularly important if you want to stay sane. I am very selective about what I attend, and let my preferences, not guilt, determine my schedule.
6. Step back from other people's problems, including your kids'. I am, and will always be, present and available for my friends and children. Right now, however, I am doing my very best not to absorb their stresses and anxieties. I need to be OK in myself to be helpful to them, and we both will suffer if I feel stressed too.
7. Plan for some time alone. Even 48 hours alone can do wonders to recharge the batteries.
8. Be kind to yourself. Read books you love. Indulge in your favourite shows. Take baths if you like, or showers if you don't. And remind yourself, often, that this will pass. Your energy will return. You're just a little burnt out.