Sifting through online dating profiles can be depressing, if not downright terrifying, writes Christina Sexton.
As a single girl reaching the pointy end of her 30s, naturally I'm familiar with the horror (oh, the horror) of online dating. Good luck finding any singleton these days who hasn't spent time swiping left on Tinder, rejecting "kisses" on RSVP and answering eHarmony's tedious surveys.
I'm a dating veteran and I know a good profile when I see one – which isn't often.
Fellas, quite simply, you're killing me. You need to up your profile game. All the single ladies, now put your hands up if you agree.
Men, if you're not having any luck online, chances are, your profile is probably committing the following sins:
The bathroom selfie
Duuude, no. Seeing your sad shower curtain and grimy basin isn't doing you any favours – and yes, women notice these things.
Here's an idea: go outside. Find a tree to stand in front of, a fence, anything. It'll give the impression that you, like, leave your house.
Tough guy photos
A heads-up: that scowling selfie where you think you're channelling the roguish charm of John McClane mixed with the devil-may-care moxie of a shark-punching Mick Fanning, yeah ... no.
You just look like a serial killer.
Scaring us with your physical pursuits
Why is every man in Australia suddenly off scaling mountains every weekend or training for the Sydney to Hobart yacht race?
One trip on the Manly ferry does not an elite yachtsman make ... stop trying to be something you're not.
My guess is you enjoy Netflixing and Aldi wine, like everyone else.
Excessive talk about goal setting
Mate, you're trying to score with the ladies, not ace a job interview.
Emphasising you pursue your goals with an unstoppable Patrick Bateman-like rigidity doesn't lead to sexy times.
General randomness
An example: recently I received back-to-back emails on eHarmony where a modern-day Casanova wrote "Hey" ... and called it a day. Twice. With no word from me, he then sent me a video he had taken of some sort of big fish – and that's it. When no explanation was offered, and unable to determine the symbolism of questionable sea creatures, I quickly hit "block".
Randomness works better in person, when you can pass yourself off as quirky. I don't mind a man gone rogue, but it's a fine line and it often doesn't work in writing.
Oh, and spellcheck
Spellcheck goes a long way.
What are the worst online dating profiles you've come across? Comment below.
No issue is too small to raise Heckler's hackles. Readers can send pieces of about 400 words on what's got their goat to heckler@fairfaxmedia.com.au. Chosen submissions will be published online at smh.com.au/comment. Please include daytime phone details.
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