Shocking quote of the day...

Well, it is not the quote that is shocking, but the source; yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am about to quote, approvingly, everyone's favourite loony, socialist Councillor. Because, barking mad and possibly evil though Terry Kelly may be, there is one person who is lower than he...

Toynbee is an embarrassment to the Guardian’s great traditions.

She would chop down a tree and stand on the stump to make a speech about conservation.

Now, what is the poem that this reminds me of? Oh yes...

"So nat'ralists observe, a flea
Hath smaller fleas that on him prey,
And these have smaller fleas that bite 'em,
And so proceed ad infinitum."

Thank you, Jonathan Swift...

UPDATE: although it may have been overtaken by Frankie Boyle on this week's Mock The Week, talking about Gordon Brown.

Because... every other time that I've seen Gordon Brown smiling it looks like he's trying to shit a sea-urchin."

Class...

UPDATE 2: once again, Frankie Boyle in response to the suggestion "things you won't hear in a superhero movie".

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Well, whatever it is, it's headed right for the World Trade Centre.

Bad taste but...

Liveblogging the Scottish election

Mr Eugenides here with the news from north of the border.

By this time tomorrow Scotland could have a new government. Realistically, though, there will need to be protracted coalition negotations before a new administration can be formed. Whether it will be Labour- or SNP- led is the only variable in this equation: we already know that the Lib Dems will be bending over gleefully to take it where the sun don't shine, so it's only a question of whose hairy, sweaty arse ends up jackhammering away at their willing sphincters (and, by extension, our unwilling ones) for the next four years.

Recent polls, as you'll be aware, give the SNP a slender but nonetheless consistent lead over the pug-faced moron and his band of Labour dullards. One is tempted to recall Henry Kissinger's dictum on the Iran-Iraq war - "it's a pity they can't both lose" - but given the infinite capacity of my fellow Scots to elect lobotomised cuntwits like Terry Kelly time after time, it is perhaps asking a bit much for them to vote for real change, and it's clear that they don't plan to oblige anyway.

The only fly in the ointment is the Lib Dems' apparent refusal to countenance going in to coalition with the SNP if Salmond's mob insist on an independence referendum. Normally I'd suggest that by this time tomorrow they'll have dropped that proviso faster than a crack whore's drawers, but they do seem to have ruled it out, repeatedly and in terms. And Lib Dems don't lie, do they?

So we are faced with the prospect of the Lib Dems propping up a discredited Labour administration (whether it manages to win the most seats or not), or the SNP dropping its pledge to hold a referendum (which seems unthinkable), or either of those two trying to form a minority administration without formal coalition partners.

Now I know what all you Sassenachs are thinking: who gives a fuck? Well, you should. Never mind the potential breakup of the Union; serious as that is, there will be three years of boring articles, ill-researched columns and tedious TV discussions about that to sit through before the referendum (or referenda; because why shouldn't the rest of the citizens of the Union get a say in its future?). It's an argument for another day.

No, it matters because just as Gordon Brown becomes Prime Minister, his country may be about decisively to reject Labour, and elect in their place an administration dedicated to picking fights with him over every and any issue imaginable. Clunking fists will be no use; with the SNP bobbing to the left of him and the Tories weaving on the right, Gordo won't know which direction the next punch is coming from (and let's face it, his peripheral vision can't be the best). Alex Salmond is going to use every weapon at his disposal to make life uncomfortable for the one-eyed bandit and, much as I do not want to see the Union broken up, I am going to enjoy every damned minute of it.

In three years' time, far from an all-powerful Scottish cabal lording it over second-class English citizens as many of you seem to think, being a Scottish politician in Westminster could be the least fashionable thing in the entire world. And that'll be Broon fucked, Miliband in to replace him and another two decades of opposition for NerdLabour. At least that's how it plays out in my head.

But all this is contingent on the results of the election. I'll be liveblogging from about 11pm tonight as the people of Scotland line up to shit on Gordon Brown's chips, and I invite you all to join me.

Bloody Devil #14

The Bloody Devil: gratuitous? Yup. Hilarious? Usually. Wrong? Rarely...

As recommended by an email correspondant, a Bloody Devil goes to EShotgun for his post dedicated to ripping Terry Kelly a new arsehole. Councillor Kelly is unusual in that the comment threads are usually far more entertaining (in the same way as a Cumbrian train crash) than his actual posts; although, given that his posts are pretty much the equivalent of the pus dribbling from the diseased fanny of a 90 year old whore, that is hardly surprising.

EShotgun has taken a few of the classics and rebutted them with a verve, aplomb and dedication to the word "cunt" that one can only whistle and admire.

Fat useless waste of air Cuntcillor Kelly again...

He is pissing me off properly now and I may even make an official complaint as his ignorance is now bordering on insanity. This man is dangerously ignorant and just such a cunt...

And it kicks off from there: go read!

Terry Kelly and the adventure of the Renfrewshire Council fraud

Via Right For Scotland, who is rightfully laughing his arse off, it seems that four members of Renfrewshire Council are being investigated for possible fraudulent expenses claims.

Four Labour Councillors in Renfrewshire are currently the subject of a criminal probe by Strathclyde Police. It is understood that inquiries centre on expense and allowance claims made by among others, the Council's Lord Provost, Ronnie Burns. This afternoon the Crown Office confirmed a report has been submitted to the local Procurator Fiscal.

Of course, as RfS points out, one of our very favourite people is on Renfrewshire Council.

Of course this is particularly bad timing as only last week Councillor Terry Kelly made a “joke” about being involved in corrupt Labour politics at a local level for 40 years.

Did he really, you ask? Could he be so crass.

Having been involved in corrupt Labour politics for 40 yrs. I'm already rich, I don't need the money I've stolen enough, so I'm retiring, now crawl back under your stone.

Oh dear, oh dear. Alas, the story does not tell whether our favourite Terry is one of the councillors under investigation: one can only fervently that he is not because we will know that the fuzz have got the wrong man...

Terry Kelly and the adventure of the paedophile smear

Via Right For Scotland, Terry, you fuckwit, we can see your accusation right there in front of us in black and fucking white, you chimp!

This is from a comment exchange on Terry Kelly's blog [emphasis mine].

RightForScotland said...

Terry,
I worked for many years as a youth volunteer in Paisley. During my time a man I worked with was nominated for these awards at least once (but alas did not receive anything).

I was merely taking an interest in what she did to get herself nominated now the awards have been reminded to me. It never entered my mind to pour scorn on her. I pour scorn on YOU but I have no reason to attack this woman that has only just come to my attention.

I give you my word that I was simply pointing out that your loyal readership may have expected you to list her achievements in support of her nomination and that I was asking if you could correct that omission.

Grow up Terry, this is why we say you stifle debate on your site - you will not even provide further facts on a simple request. Pathetic.

Cllr Terry Kelly said...

RFS - You "give me your word" well, you're not listening, I don't trust you. This is not stifling debate, do your own research.

You worked as a youth volunteer, that makes me shiver, judging by your recent comments I assume that was in the days before disclosure checks.

I see. So, Right For Scotland asks a reasonable question of Councillor Terry Kelly, and the noble public servant then accuses RFS of being a paedophile. That's one for the Standards Commission, wouldn't you say?

Or possibly the libel lawyer...

Terry Kelly and the adventure of the Standards Board

Councillor Terry Kelly's blog provides a rich seam of inarticulate nonsense which can hardly fail to entertain those of us with a little syntactical awareness. His paranoia and stupidity seem only to be matched by his inability to argue coherently. Our Tel is also adept at shooting himself in the foot; a particularly amusing example of this was when he urged his readers to Google "Cllr Terry Kelly".

One of the first things that gets thrown up is the ruling against him by the Standards Commission Scotland. Here, for your delectation, is the beef of the ruling.

Written Decision Of The Hearing Panel Issued 18 November 2004

The Standards Commission for Scotland confirms its Hearing Panel finding that Councillor Terry Kelly breached the principle of leadership as set out in section 2 and the provisions as to General Conduct in the Chamber or in Committee as set out in section 3.14 of the Councillors Code of Conduct following the Council meeting on 29 January 2004.

1. The Hearing Panel considered that further to the accepted breaches of the Councillors' Code of Conduct by the Councillor Kelly that:-
   
   
   • i. It is wholly inappropriate for any Councillor to approach any member of the public in a "threatening and intimidating manner" - regardless of the provocation;
   
   
   
   • ii. That Councillor Kelly's conduct was, as narrated in the joint Statement of Facts, "inappropriate, improper and unacceptable";
   
   
   
   • iii. That Councillor Kelly's conduct has adversely affected the good standing of Local Government and Renfrewshire Council in particular; and
   
   
   
   • iv. that the actions of Councillor Kelly's, as accepted by him, strike at the root of the obligation of leadership of any Councillor, and further that his behaviour was wholly inappropriate and contrary to the behaviour that the Chair, fellow Councillors, Council Employees and any members of the public are entitled to expect in the Council Chamber.

Councillor Terry Kelly has been suspended from taking part in all meetings of the Council, its Committees and sub committees for a period of 6 weeks from Wednesday 1 December 2004, up to an including Tuesday 11 January 2005.

But that's not all, oh no; our fine Councillor has had yet another complaint upheld against him.

Written Decision Of The Hearing Panel Issued Friday 05 November 2004

The Standards Commission for Scotland confirms its Hearing Panel finding that Councillor Terry Kelly breached the principles of leadership and respect set out in section 2 of the Councillors' Code of Conduct during a meeting of Renfrewshire Council on 04 December 2003. Councillor Kelly accepted that at the meeting he had used the words "village idiots" and "workshy incompetents" in referring to SNP Councillors. The Panel concluded that the terms used by Councillor Kelly were a breach of the Code because he failed to show respect to fellow Councillors.

The Panel further concluded that Councillor Kelly's actions were a breach of the Code because he failed to demonstrate leadership by failing to support the principles of the Code by good example. He failed to maintain and strengthen the public's trust and confidence in the integrity of the Council and its Councillors in conducting public business.

Councillor Terry Kelly has been censured in terms of section 19(1)(a) of the Ethical Standards in Public Life etc. (Scotland) Act 2000 and there will be no further action taken.

Now, we all make mistakes (and Kelly first one was to start "writing" a weblog, methinks) but Councillor Kelly, when confronted with these cases, totally ignores them and, instead, refers to others (I assume).

I had a web site which did cause the occasional stushie ( reported several times to the standards comission by some gnat crawlers ) exonerated of course, but nothing like this.

Because I am sure that the good Councillor would never have claimed to be exonerated in such cases when this is, in fact, very far from the truth. Especially as he keeps referring to we bloggers as liars.

We aren't liars, Tel, we're just interested amateurs...

The true face of Labour

Aaaaah, Councillor Terry Kelly: what a piece of shit work is that man? He has truly been annoying some of my erstwhile fellows in Bonnie Scotland—Doctor Vee produces a roundup—and who can blame them? As the good Doctor says, Our Tel is one of the most eloquent arguments against representative democracy that one could ever make although eloquence is hardly a feature of Tezza's blog per se; further, his prose style elegantly explodes the claim that the Scottish education system is far superior to that of the Sassenachs'.

In today's featured post, Councillor Terry accuses bloggers of being sinister, perverted criminals...

The problem is the quality of what is written, it is depressing, most of it is reactionary stuff and very predictable but it seems to be written by inadequates who are consumed by hatred. I would compare most of them with people who, years ago before blogging, used to get their kicks by writing anonymous poison pen letters particularly to vulnerable people, ( someone is watching you type of thing ) I suppose though that blogging provides a kind of safety valve for them, who knows what some of them might get up to if they couldn't take out their frustrations in this way. I wonder if the figures for certain kinds of crime have dropped since the advent of blogging? there is the possibility of course that figures for these things might go up when some folk start blogging and get themselves into a state of, well, what kind of state ? you would need to read some of it to see what I'm getting at I can't say more in a popular family blog like this. I, and now, to a lesser extent my family, still get sent horrible stuff, mainly racist, lurid and threatening because some folk don't like my opinions and blogging has liberated them.

No, really, this stuff is not written by a severely dyslexic seven-year-old with a brain tumour and catastrophic learning difficulties; it is, as I have said, written by a grown man who is one of Scottish Labour's councillors. The mind, frankly, boggles.

However, don't take my word for it; after all, I am sure that you are dying to see what "racist, lurid and threatening" things people have written about Tezza (and his equally awful lovely daughter, Rayleen (which sounds like a cleaning product to me), upon whose idiocy I opined not so long ago).

Luckily, Tel has been brushing up on his Silver Surfer internet skills, and he can tell you how to locate these obscene materials (although you could start with Right For Scotland's summary).

Find out what I mean by accessing it for yourself, try googling Cllr. Terry Kelly and go into some of the blogs which are attacking me, use the links which are there on their blogs and make up your own minds, be warned though it's not for the faint hearted and could damage your opinion of your fellow human beings.

Poor Terry. But don't worry: this blog will happily follow Terry's adventures and wield the trusty Sword of Truth and Shield of Reason in his defence: it will only be a matter of time before those eeeeeevil bloggers are forced to offer up the Fishslice of Contrition!

And if you think that I'm talking bollocks, just browse Councillor Terry's blog: I think, ladies and gentlemen, that we have found a new definition for the phrase "howling-at-the-moon mad"...

P.S. You would have thought that prison was bad enough without a visit from Our Tel. No wonder suicide rates are so high...