This was published 7 years ago
Anxious about the result? Try the 2016 US Election Drinking Game
Why watch the end of American democracy alone when you can do so with your old friend Sweet Lady Booze?
By Andrew P Street
So, you've decided to watch the results creep in for the United States election because, presumably, you think that your life has been too laid back and blissful to this point and that the one thing that would really put a spring in your step is watching the end of western democracy play out in real time before your terrified gaze.
Naturally you need a little something-something to take the edge off, and it's with this in mind that a hive-mind of Australia's best and drunkest political observers have lovingly constructed The US Election Drinking Game in order that you, the desperate democracy-consumer, might appreciate the woozy, nauseous experience that is American politics in action.
Many of the polls close in the US about 11am (AEDT), so you'll possibly be rolling drunk before the sun is over the yardarm, but this is a moment to celebrate.
After all, the actual election is now pretty much the only period in which US presidential candidates are not on the campaign trail – although there's a good chance that Paul Ryan will have launched his campaign for 2020 by the time you read this.
Cheers to the red, white and blue.Credit: iStock
And, thankfully, by playing this game you'll probably not be conscious by the end of the process, thereby emulating America itself.
And just to be clear: no Carlton United Brewery products are to be used in this game, because good government requires respect for industrial relations.
You will need: US election coverage, booze, the ability to experience horror and/or relief.
Technique: Turn to said coverage, line up every alcoholic beverage you have in the house in front of you, and have at it.
[not pictured: Pestilence and Famine]Credit: AP
And remember, drink recklessly, responsibly.
The rules
Swing state shots: everybody drinks on mention of Florida, Colorado, Iowa, Nevada, North Carolina, Wisconsin, Virginia, New Hampshire. Or any other states, if the liquor's nice enough.
Pick your most expensive liquor and take a shot of it whenever Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson or Greens candidate Jill Stein is mentioned. Don't worry, you'll barely touch it.
Whenever you realise that you don't really know how the electoral college works, take a shot.
Whenever you realise that they don't really know how the electoral college works, take a shot.
Any time a Republican representative suggests polls are rigged, pour a brimming glass of red and down it in one.
Every time a Democratic representative hopefully indicates they could still take back the House, drink a sympathy shandy.
Every time a Republican representative suggests that a vote count is rigged, drink a stubby of beer and then hurl the empty bottle at the screen.
Take one shot of hard liquor every time there's a shot of a Republican with a fixed grin on their face and a look in their eyes that indicates that the horror has well and truly dawned.
Sip something potent every time a white pantsuit appears on television.
Take a shot of ouzo for every time the political analyst on screen is not a white dude. Note: you will probably not need any ouzo.
Every time HIllary Clinton pointedly refers to Donald Trump as "Donald", take a shot.
If the tally room throws to the tally room, take a shot.
Crack a bottle of something nice for every state that Nate Silver got wrong in FiveThirtyEight's predictions.
Take one shot for every mention of locker room talk, baskets of deplorables, email servers, and/or something being made great again.
Drink steadily through any coverage of an Australian politician giving a pointless non-insight into whatever's happening. Make them doubles if it's Cory Bernardi. Triples if he's wearing that stupid 'Make Australia Great Again' hat that he likes so much.
If Clinton wins: sip water for the period between when the result comes through and the moment that Trump concedes, because that ought to sober you right up.
If Trump wins: go next door and steal all their alcohol because clearly there is no such thing as natural justice and cause is no longer linked to effect.
Andrew P Street's new book The Curious Story of Malcolm Turnbull: the Incredible Shrinking Man in the Top Hat is out now through Allen & Unwin,