Diane Abbott — to stop texting when listening to speeches by her leader and ex-lover, Jeremy Corbyn. She looks so bored. Archbishop of Canterbury — to remember Monty Python's film Life Of Brian and look on the bright side of life instead of moaning about Brexit and Trump, as he seemed to in his Christmas sermon. Aslef rail strikers — go and find different jobs because they plainly think their current employment intolerable (see also Southern Rail managers, below, right). ...read
Jagger? Have the snip! Gary Lineker? Button it! Our razor-sharp sketchwriter offers some tongue-in-cheek New Year resolutions for those in the news
02/01/17 00:37