BLACK DOG: Boris's new hair cut is a bald move

Published: 20:11 EST, 15 October 2016 | Updated: 04:24 EST, 16 October 2016

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Boris Johnson’s diplomatic ditching of his dishevelled hairdo to mark his debut Commons speech as Foreign Secretary in the Aleppo debate has one downside: Dog’s lofty vantage point in the Press Gallery revealed a looming bald patch on Bozza’s bonce. No wonder he is always ruffling his tresses: it’s his version of the Donald Trump Comb-Over…

Dog’s lofty vantage point in the Press Gallery revealed a looming bald patch on Bozza’s bonce

Theresa May never had much in common with Michael Gove and George Osborne. When the pair urged her to watch the psycho-sexual history fantasy TV series Game Of Thrones earlier this year, Her ‘Mayjesty’ imperiously replied: ‘Sorry, I’m more of an Antiques Roadshow person, thank you very much.’

McGinn says: ‘Given the state of the party, I feel like taking paternity leave until 2020.’

Acerbic Labour MP Conor McGinn, who quit as a party whip last week after Jeremy Corbyn sacked his boss, Rosie Winterton – famed for her kinky boots and feud with Corbyn’s ex-lover Diane Abbott – is due to become a dad within days. Ulsterman McGinn says: ‘Given the state of the party, I feel like taking paternity leave until 2020.’

A welcome touch of glamour will be added to the Lords on Tuesday when David Cameron’s slinky half-French spin doctor Gabrielle Bertin, left – a key figure in his EU Remain campaign – takes her place on the benches as Baroness Bertin of Battersea. Asked for suggestions for Baroness Gabby’s coat of arms, a non-PC male Tory pal joked: ‘A pair of stilettos and a fleur-de-lis draped over the EU flag would do the trick!’

Under attack for the Marmite price rise, perhaps food giant Unilever will use its Marmite-style marketing expert, ‘Tatler Tory’ Mark Clarke, to woo public support. He was accused of bullying Conservative activist Elliott Johnson before his suicide last year and sexually harassing women activists on the Election trail. As one Tory MP said: ‘To say Clarke is like Marmite is only half true...’

At a launch party for Craig Oliver’s memoir, Unleashing Demons, David Cameron’s former spin doctor said he got a shock after Googling ‘books’ and ‘unleashing’. ‘There are lots of books with ‘unleashing’ in the title: “Unleashing His Bear”, “Unleashing His Tiger” and all sorts of unleashings which have nothing to do with Brexit...’

It was handbags at ten paces when Keith Vaz, the Labour MP mired in a rent boy scandal, came face to face with his Tory nemesis Andrew Bridgen – both Leicestershire MPs – at a Commons reception to promote the county’s fine food and produce. ‘Vaz tried to get me to pose for a picture with him,’ fumes Bridgen. ‘Of course I refused.’ Strangely, Vaz has no recollection of the photographic bust-up.

Selfie queen Karen Danczuk’s estranged priapic husband, MP Simon Danczuk, is sick and tired of people asking him about reports that he had sex with a young woman on a desk in his office. Dog is happy to put the record straight. ‘It never happened,’ says misunderstood Danczuk. ‘Anyhow, it would be dangerous. You might get pricked by a stapler!’ Quite.