congratulations on staying alive another year. this year has been the hardest one for me so far i’m praying it gets better from here, for me and for you. happy new years lovely humans
someone: so what are u doing this weekend
me: coping
jared leto’s birthday countdown: 2 days
top 5 movies (as voted by our followers): #1 suicide squad (2016)
I’m known to be quite vexing, I’m just forewarning you.
(insp.)
“My heart scares you, and a gun doesn’t?”
18224) This disorder is eating me alive. Food, calories, it’s all I can think about. I’m not living anymore. And it terrifies me so much, but I can’t stop.
This might be the first picture of myself that I’ve looked at and thought “shit, she doesn’t look okay”. I’ve been so tired and low the past few days, convincing myself that I’m covering it up well, maybe that’s not the case. I feel huge, when I look in the mirror I see nothing but disgusting fat, when I touch my body that’s all I feel. I feel too big, too much, sickingly disgusting. Even this morning with the dietitian, she was saying I have BDD and I refused to believe her because I KNOW what I see and feel to be true. Then again, if I saw this picture and it was someone else, I’d be a bit worried? BUT I look at this and I really don’t see it as being me. That doesn’t look like me. Is that even me? Who is that person? Or again is my perception warped, do I look fine? I’m so confused.
Maybe we just lived between hurting and healing.
| — | Benjamin Alire Sáenz, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe (via wordsnquotes) |
I hate how so many “inspirational” recovery posts rely on describing previous self-destructive behaviors. Do you really need to write about how you were forced to be inpatient seven times? Or how you now eat more in one meal than you did in an entire day? The majority of pro-recovery / “recovery is so worth the effort” posts have a tinge of “but remember how sick I used to be.”
It’s a hard thing to let go of, but I hope one day we all see that those things, those useless numbers and the carbon copy person that an eating disorder makes of us, is not our greatest achievement.
I don’t care how sick you were. Of course, I am concerned for you and I understand the challenges you have been through, but what I care about is everything you are and can be, when you are well.
This is super important. Many people suffer in silence, many people are forced to recover on their own. A lot of people can’t afford treatment or therapy, many doctors don’t understand eating disorders enough to accurately treat the physical consequences. Many treatment centres have waiting lists months long, which means they have no choice. A lot of us have been ill for so damn long that treatment teams have lost faith in you and leave recovery completely in your hands. The severity of an eating disorder isn’t reflected by weights or bmi’s or variations in treatment; the fact you’ve suffered is more than enough.
Sometimes - (sap that I am…) - I want to gather my tumblr friends together, rent a house where we all have our own space and plenty of pets, and we can all support each other and get adequate treatment, achieve financial stability, and leave shitty situations behind, and it’s all good from there on out.
We’ll have validation and pets and empathy and pets and understanding and pets and adequate treatment and pets and support systems and pets. The necessities in life :)
Can we do this plz?