Got him! Yes! Whether you've enjoyed Michael Clarke's commentary this summer or not, you'd better get used to him because you've got him, yes, for several years to come.
As the rain set in at the Sydney Cricket Ground on day three of the Sydney Test, minds wandered and press-room chatter shifted from national team selections to the other most talked about team in Australian sport …
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Plays of the Week
Punishing NFL hits, punishing cricket strokes and punishing tennis shots, it was a punishing seven days for the plays of the week.
The Channel Nine commentary team.
In October we pleaded with the Nine callers to obey the order of the late Kerry Packer and "call the bloody cricket". The story exploded online, such is the continual interest and debate about the make-up of the Nine team.
![Going nowhere: Nine's Shane Warne and Michael Clarke.](/web/20170105201416im_/http://www.smh.com.au/content/dam/images/g/t/m/d/u/2/image.related.articleLeadwide.620x349.gtmbwa.png/1483615554302.jpg)
"Are you happy with the changes we've made?" Nine chief executive Hugh Marks inquired when this column bumped into him at the annual Bradman dinner at the SCG in November.
It was too early to tell but now, with the Test series all but done, let's give credit where it's due: Nine's coverage has improved markedly.
That is no disrespect to former head of sport at Nine Steve Crawley and executive director of cricket Brad McNamara. The cricket coverage just needed a freshen-up, and that has happened under new head of cricket Brent Williams.
The move from three commentators to two has been a masterstroke. So have the slightly shorter stints calling the game. Most importantly, the "boys' club" chatter that angered Packer so much, so many years ago, has been limited.
Clarke was the punching bag for many years as a player and captain – this column has thrown a few jabs – and he's continuing to polarise with lip-mic in hand.
Social media has been particularly vicious, but many sports media veterans wonder if Nine can keep him when he is ostensibly so unpopular.
But understand this: he's not going anywhere. Clarke is signed to a one-year contract, but that has more to do with Nine's current deal with Cricket Australia ending this year than sports boss Tom Malone testing the waters.
Clarke's deal is likely to be extended when Nine does its deal in the next six months with CA. Then you can expect Clarke to become more prominent in the coverage in seasons to come. Nine sees him as a long-term fixture of its commentary team.
Some have dismissed his commentary as cliched. I don't think it's that bad.
Indeed, his analysis in the breaks in play, and particularly after stumps, has been erudite; an insight into why he was such a strong captain strategically.
And now, as we type these very words, the covers are coming off. Back to the cricket …
Boisterous Benauds, and a siren song
The soggy conditions on Thursday sedated the day-three crowd, but it was in fine form the previous day.
The 300 or so Richie Benaud lookalikes were getting rowdier as the day rolled on and the amber fluid flowed, as it does.
NSW Police used a novel approach when they asked them to calm down late in the day.
"Daphne's in that box over there," they said in reference to Benaud's widow, waving a finger across the ground. "How about you keep it down?"
The Richies, we're told, respectfully obliged.
Meanwhile, former Prime Minister Bob Hawke had everyone in a lather as he did what he does best: murder a schooner, much to the admiration of large crowds looking on.
Hundreds of fans tried without success to convince another former PM, John Howard, to skol his beverage.
They lavished praise on him him anyway, chanting: "We love you, Johnny, we do. We love you, Johnny, we do …"
As Howard joked from the comfort of the corporate suite he was in: "Where were you in 2007?" He was referring to the Coalition's landslide loss in the federal election.
And you may have heard that piercing sound ring across the ground late in the day.
No, someone hadn't accidentally bumped the siren at Allianz Stadium, adjacent to the SCG. That was the "Phantom Siren", the legendary Dragons supporter who created havoc with rugby league referees years ago when he prematurely called half-time in various matches.
The Siren – we won't reveal his real name – is good mates with David Warner and was in the corporate suite the Australian opener has each year at the Sydney Test.
League's festive fiasco
So, how was your Christmas? Get what you wanted from Santa? Rugby league fans got the broken toy nobody wants to play with.
It's called the ARL Commission.
What an utter disgrace that turn of events in December turned out to be, when angry clubs wanted chairman John Grant's head on a stick.
In November Grant backflipped on a year-long promise of a 130 per cent increase in club funding. With his job on the line, he did a backflip on the backflip and gave them their money so he could survive.
The game either had the money or it did not. And if it doesn't have the money, why doesn't it have the money? They are relevant questions that haven't been adequately answered.
Some heavy hitters are still gunning for the chairman and they rightfully ask: how does the game trumpet a massive $1.8 billion broadcast deal, then suddenly find itself short? Expect a clearer picture of the NRL's unflattering financial position to appear at next month's annual general meeting.
Personality clashes aside, these fiscal problems have happened on Grant's watch. He is the inaugural chairman. If not his fault, then whose?
We also wonder what NRL chief executive Todd Greenberg thinks of Grant going around him to broker a deal that strips the game's finances but ensures Grant keeps his position.
Sandow's sorry tale
This is no defence of Chris Sandow, but his hideous street brawl in his home town of Cherbourg was in retaliation to a fight involving his cousin the day before.
Sandow has told others he was struck in the face with a fence paling. The next day another fight ensued, with video of the incident going viral.
The former Souths and Eels halfback has been charged with public nuisance. He has also kissed goodbye any real chance of playing in the NRL again.
It's another sorry chapter in Sandow's career: from rookie of the year to a constant source of frustration for coaches and officials who are aware of just how talented he is.
Foran plays with fire
The NRL has been privately saying for months that it won't clear Kieran Foran to play for the Warriors in round one – and if he doesn't stop hanging around his good mate, the former brothel owner and pro punter Eddie Hayson, it won't be happening at all.
Foran and Hayson – who is at the centre of a match-fixing investigation, albeit one that doesn't seem to be going anywhere – vowed to leave each other alone so the troubled footballer could pick up the pieces of his career after walking out on Parramatta to deal with personal issues.
Staying away from Hayson was one of the conditions the NRL set down for Foran late last year if he was to have a playing contract registered.
Head office hasn't been too pleased to learn of the pair being seen together during the off-season.
Green's greenery setback
Danny Green has suffered a setback in his preparations for his showdown with Anthony Mundine at Adelaide Oval next month, with long-time trainer Angelo Hyder suffering serious injuries while cutting down a tree.
Hyder was hospitalised and lucky to survive after the tree he was bringing down fell on him. Thankfully, he is OK.
While critics have branded the February 3 bout as nothing more than a "money fight", both Green and Mundine have been very quiet in terms of publicity.
The Week
THE QUOTE
"He transformed that goal, I would say, into art." – Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger on Olivier Giroud's "scorpion" goal against Crystal Place. Said Giroud: "I had maximum luck." Fluke or masterpiece? You decide.
THUMBS UP
Pink togas. Pink turbans. Pink bandannas. Pink milk in coffees. A man wearing a white T-shirt with "PINK SHIRT" emblazoned across the front. In the past nine years, Sydney has wrapped its arms around the Pink Test and made it something very special. Despite the rain, Jane McGrath Day at the SCG was a thumping success.
THUMBS DOWN
Like a Mariah Carey performance on New Year's Eve, the Pakistan cricket team has hit very few notes all summer: a hot mess with its dropped catches, misfields, batting collapses, ill-fitting stage costumes and tacky Instagram posts about broken relationships with Australian billionaires. Oh, wait …
It's a big weekend for … the NFL as the journey to Super Bowl LI in Houston, Texas, cranks up. The play-offs start on Sunday morning (AEST) with Houston hosting Oakland in the wild-card round.
It's an even bigger weekend for … Wanderers coach Tony Popovic, whose side at the halfway point of the A-League season have won just twice. It's away to Melbourne City on Friday night.
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