By Jane Rocca
My grandmother, Nora, was born in Ireland and migrated to New Zealand with her husband and my mum, Mary, who was two years old at the time. All of my grandparents died quite young – aged in their 60s.
I have a memory of grandma Nora rolling the car in an accident with all four of us kids – me, my brother Neil and my sisters – in it. Out of sheer mortification and guilt she bought the family a piano and it's the piano that Neil and I learnt to play on. So there's a connection to her that goes way back and no matter how dark, it ultimately played a big part in our musical lives. I don't think buying a piano after having a car accident is a decision many people would make, but she did.
"I grew up in an age when boys and girls didn't have much to do with each other": Tim Finn.Credit: Bradley Kanaris
My mother had office jobs prior to having kids, and then she worked tirelessly as a mother. She was very involved in our lives and had a tremendous wave of enthusiasm for whatever we wanted to do.
Mum was the best audience we could ever have. She was also very musical. She'd get us to sing in harmony and coach us a little – we even sang in the local church. She was the sort of woman who'd take the priest to the beach, too.
Mum and Dad loved music and dancing. They were from the big band swing era. If there was a party, Mum would be up there singing while someone played the piano.
Mum died 16 years ago. She was Catholic to the end. When she was dying, I asked her if her faith helped in this time. She said yes. She had tremendous attachment to family. It was a titanic struggle for her to accept her own dying, especially for a mother who longs to be with her children.
When Mum married Dad, who was Anglican, it was a small rebellion on her part as she couldn't go through with the whole Mass at the time – the Catholic Church didn't allow it. They fell in love and they remained together.
My dad, Dick, is still alive and going strong at 94. He drives a car to the supermarket and enjoys music and sport. There was a feeling in the family that Dad was pessimistic in nature and we thought he would decline after Mum died, but that hasn't been the case.
We have my older sister, Carolyn, to thank for that, being his primary carer. She lives in the same town and visits him regularly. That is something that we are grateful for. It does take a load off the rest of us and she's been amazing.
I also have a younger sister, Judy. I'm still close with my sisters. As children, we'd put on concerts and sing Beatles songs for the family. Music was always a connecting force. I grew up in an age when boys and girls didn't have much to do with each other – it was like we were in parallel universes. My sisters didn't go to boarding school and my brother Neil hated it and came back home, but I stuck it out from the ages of 12 to 18 at Sacred Heart College, Auckland.
I experienced my first kiss at 16. Because I was at boarding school, girls were somewhat alien creatures to me. There was a girl who all the guys had kissed and she was kind enough to allow me to kiss her too – she was very generous. I was a late bloomer.
By the '80s, because I was touring in a band [Split Enz], relationships were difficult to maintain. But I had many and some were quite significant [Tim was in a relationship with actor Greta Scacchi from 1983 to '89]. But some of those relationships also involved a lot of chaos and drama and I fed off that for years until it exhausted me.
A female friend of mine described me as a serial monogamist, and I'd have to agree. Now I am happily married. Marie [Azcona, a TV presenter] and I married in September 1997 and had our son Harper a year later.
Marie is much younger than me. We met through a mutual friend who knew I had been struggling in the dating area for some time and thought to introduce us. He gave me a nudge.
Marie has a very strong moral centre and a great clarity about right and wrong. She is funny and extremely knowledgeable. I have memories of her playing the music of '60s bands I hadn't heard growing up. She would play them on cassette in her Honda Civic as we drove around town.
I always wanted to marry and have a family. It was an inescapable awareness in the back of my mind – very far back sometimes – but always there.
We also have a daughter, Elliot, who is 13. She is learning to play the guitar and can sing. She has a lot of her mother's sense of moral direction.
I always think back to when Elliot was little, holding her hand and being enchanted by that experience. There is a protectiveness that comes with being a dad. I remember the midwife holding her up and saying, "Look what you've got – it's a girl." I knew I was blessed from the time she arrived.
The musical Ladies in Black, with music and lyrics by Tim Finn, plays from January 3 to 22 as part of the Sydney Festival.