I was never good at making friends. As a child, I was in a trio friendship and often treated as the third wheel. I was shy, meek and emotional; unable to stand up for myself. When I was 11, my family moved to a rural area and any friends I made lived a distance away.
At 15, I moved "to town" with older siblings as a way to get through puberty. My social status increased thanks to adolescent smoking and partying. I had one close friend and a circle of acquaintances. One of those acquaintances became my best friend in the early 1990s.
The shift came when we became flatmates. Over a span of 18 months, we became close, although we came from different walks of life.
She was a university student. I was a chambermaid. She'd had the same boyfriend since high school. I collected notches on my bedpost. She was outgoing and social. I was sensitive and private. But we hit it off and our friendship blossomed.
We fleeted in and out of each other's lives but I've always felt that she was the one, the bestie. We've lived on opposite sides of the world since 2001 when I left Canada on a holiday and never returned. Three years ago, we met in Bali for a girls' holiday. We haven't seen each other since.
We're not as close as we once were but when we get together, we pick up right where we've left off. And for me, that's the definition of a best friend: someone who can come in and out of my life with ease and grace. But it's not enough. I'm lonely and often feel alone, although I have a family.
I've been a nomad for much of my adult life. I've met many people I can call friends but they're not deep, meaningful relationships. I may have friends scattered around the globe but I don't have anyone near me. No girlfriends to go shopping with or ritual Sunday brunches. Nobody I can ring up when things are going wrong, or right. I wish I had a friend posse a la Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte. Then again, maybe I watch too much Sex and the City.
My friendlessness drop kicked me when I listened to the Straight and Curly podcast about adult friendships. The hosts, Kelly Exeter and Carly Jacobs both spoke about having a handful of close friends. My heart cracked a little and my loneliness spiked. I questioned my choices and lifestyle.
Travelling and living here and there has given me a colourful and exciting life. As I traipsed around the world, it never occurred to me that I didn't have deep friendships. But now, I'm on the other side of 45 and crave a friend who lives near; someone I can ring up and say "let's go to a movie" or "I need to talk".
When I see an acquaintance at an event or in the street, I talk their ear off. I tell them personal things that should for the bestie, or my psychologist. Then I ridicule myself for being needy and desperate for a connection. I often choose to stay at home.
There's no doubt about it, I'm an introvert. I like to be alone. I'm not a social butterfly. I like to socialise with one person at a time. I'm no good at group situations. It doesn't matter if I know the people or not. Put me in a room full of "friends" and I'll still feel lonely. It's hard for me to find someone that "gets" me. And that plays on my emotional and mental wellbeing.
My BFF and I had grand plans to have another holiday together but I had to cancel when my life took a turn. Now her life has taken a sharp turn and we could use another girly trip. It would be nice, but time, distance and money keep us apart.
Thank goodness for technology but let's face it, Facebook doesn't have the same impact as a hug or chime of wine glasses.
I'm not good at making friends, but I am a good friend. The loneliness of having no friends near me comes and goes. I may be lonely but I know I'm not alone.
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