Blunt Instrument | John Birmingham

Santa, we don't want to wait and wait and wait for grandkids to arrive before we get to see you again.

Naughty or nice ... could it really be that simple?

If you don't believe in Santa, how can Santa believe in you? The big man gets lost in the annual culture war over Christmas. Maybe he's hiding, his jolly heart broken. It's odd, I know, to say he's missing when his merchandising imagery and pre-stocktake sale discount signage is everywhere. But Santa lives in our hearts first – his condo at the North Pole is just a residency requirement of the job – and our hearts are increasingly hostile places.

The charms of a lousy Christmas

Sometimes the most unremarkable Christmas Days are the most memorable.

There's something to be said for a really lousy Christmas. A nice Christmas with family and friends can be a joy and a treasured memory forever. But a really shitty December 25? That can have its own charms too.

Ain't no party like a home office Christmas party

Merry Christmas, dog.

COMMENT

It has come to the attention of the CEO that some staff have been disgracing themselves before the appropriate time, that is, before the corporation's annual Christmas party.

Tyrone's death shines harsh light on political poofter-bashing

Tyrone Unsworth, 13, took his own life after being bullied.

COMMENT

I was only eight years old when I realised I was straight. Of course, I didn't think of it like that. My thoughts ran more along the lines of "Gee, I like Cheryl Bazely. I wonder if I could sit next to her?"

Hey Fitz, I too am off the grog - but not forever

Having a drink is an enjoyable part of dining out.

COMMENT

I've just had a year off the grog, or the better part of one anyway. I blame, or credit, Peter FitzSimons, writes John Birmingham.

How a Trump or a Brexit could happen in Australia

Republican president-elect Donald Trump.

Donald Trump is what happens when a country gets rich but its people don't.

Roberts' incredible climate report kicks science to the kerb

Senator Malcolm Roberts presented his report on Monday report slamming the CSIRO's climate science.

COMMENT

John Birmingham says he read Senator Malcolm Roberts' scorching indictment of the CSIRO's criminal conspiracy to ruin us all, so you wouldn't have to.

Cream cheese or eggs with your salmon?

Salmon with eggs, or perhaps you prefer yours on a bagel with cream cheese.

John Birmingham discusses the big salmon question - cream cheese or scrambles eggs.

Hidden danger looms after Trump loses presidential race

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump arrives at a campaign rally.

COMMENT

Donald Trump has done nothing wrong.

Smashed avo toast our rightful national dish

Avo-gate has exposed a chasm between the generations.

COMMENT

There is no such thing as twenty-two dollar avocado toast.

In a cynical world, can people still take us by surprise?

Sophie went missing for 24 hours.

COMMENT

Working in the media can make it hard to see the lighter side.

Our new reality: the rising politics of stupid

Thompson's book is focused less on Donald Trump himself than on the conditions that sustain him - and on what, if ...

COMMENT

The flat-earthers and denialists are rising.

Our cherished rights could be gone in a flash

When governments start banning moons there is a bigger right at issue.

COMMENT

We must stand, and bend over, for a precious Australian tradition.

Everyone is watching my personal fitness hell

Staying in shape can be an uphill battle.

COMMENT

How many exercise reminders can you stand?

Government to unveil pointless cost of pointless plebiscite

Mr Wilson said he apologised to Malcolm Turnbull after the meeting, and the Prime Minister accepted his apology.

COMMENT

How much will be given to sweating pig circus of morons?

Fair corporate tax? Hey look, a new iPhone!

Apple has not been big on paying corporate taxes.

COMMENT

Later this week, you'll be freaking out.

Everyday horror of our climate change future

Where will we get a decent latte after

COMMENT

Prepare to pay $8 for a flat white coffee.

Movie magic a smashing opportunity for Brisbane

What else could the Hulk smash around south-east Queensland?

COMMENT

Can we bring more destructive blockbusters to Brisvegas?

'Off his chops' cop stop could have been less funny

Josh Bavas recorded an encounter with a police officer who believed he was under the influence of drugs. "I have a ...

COMMENT

Most of us have been off our chops at one time or another.

They've taken fun out of the census

The biggest dilemma on census night used to be deciding whether to be a Frisbeetarian or a Jedi Knight.

Thanks Australian Bureau of Statistics, you've ruined everything.

Count the members of the Jedi, we must

Yoda.

COMMENT

Listen to humourless atheists a Jedi does not.

Ghosts of extreme free speech could haunt Twitter

Leslie Jones as Patty Tolan in Ghostbusters.

COMMENT

Twitter could suffer from extreme politicization of everything.

Sonia Kruger fed the very danger she fears

Sonia Kruger wants a ban on muslim migration to Australia.

COMMENT

It's hard to believe I have to do this again.

The think piece you've been waiting for on Pokemon Go thingies

Pokemon have taken over our streets.

Pokemon Go thingies have taken over our streets.

Instability's hardly normal, Gerry, but not all bad

Gerry Harvey would like Canberra to make life difficult for his overseas competitors.

A billion dollars doesn't make you smart. It just makes you rich.

Elite survive while young, poor to pay Brexit price

Former prime minister John Howard, pictured with wife Janet, at the Coalition's official campaign launch.

COMMENT

I have a confession to make.

How can Eddie McGuire still think it's funny?

Eddie McGuire.

It's Collingwood's decision whether to get rid of Eddie.

Orlando shooting: Prayers from hypocrites don't help

Friends and family grieve after a list of hospitalized victims was released, implying the death of those who weren't on ...

COMMENT

The enemy of my enemy is my friend, as the old saying would have it. Unless they're gay, in which case… awkward!

Men can be feminists, but there is a limit

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has declared himself a "feminist".

COMMENT

Can a man really, truly commit to ideal of gender equality?

Reef doomed but our dome will save us

When the dome goes up to protect us from an angry planet, the poor may be left outside.

It's a pity. That reef was beautiful. Oh well.

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